


Addictions

by Gippeo



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Criminals, Angst, Crimes & Criminals, Depression, Gun Violence, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Robbery, Romance, Rough Sex, Smut, Some fluff too, Strangulation, jinyoung's dead or is he really?, swipe right to find out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2017-06-24
Packaged: 2018-10-22 16:06:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 47,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10700427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gippeo/pseuds/Gippeo
Summary: In the past, Jaebum only wants adventure, a sense of belonging and something to live for. He thinks he might’ve found it when mysterious but intriguing Park Jinyoung hands it all to him, along with a criminal career path.In the present, Jaebum is shaken from the event that broke his relationship, his sense of the world and himself. What happened, and what will he do to move on? Jaebum searches for answers as he, at the same time, gradually comes to terms with himself and what it truly means to live.





	1. Prologue

“Do you regret it?”

   Jaebum looked up at the interrogator in front of him. He was a vague reminder of Jaebum’s father; fat, disheveled, black hair, oozing of cigarette smoke, and pretty much everything else Jaebum had come to dislike about old men. All he wanted was to be thrown in jail, without going through these tedious interviews with someone breathing in his face and switching between acting nice and then telling him he deserved all of this. As if Jaebum didn’t know.

   He was too tired to answer, too tired to even nod. It had been close to an hour already – at least that’s what it felt like – and this wasn’t their first session either. When he received the question once more – this time in a harsher tone – he sighed, because to him, the answer was obvious.

   “I regret it,” he whispered, swallowing once to wet his dry throat.

   “And did you ever consider not going through with it?” the interrogator inquired, once again calm.

   Jaebum looked at the table between them. “Sometimes.”

   “Then, what pushed you to go through with it?”

   “Isn’t it obvious?”

   “Just answer the question,” the interrogator said tiredly, dragging a hand through his hair.

   “All I wanted was to be happy.”

   “There are plenty of ways to be happy that don’t involve committing a crime.”

   Jaebum ignored him. “I wanted to be truly happy. Committing these crimes isn’t what made me happy. It gave me an adrenaline rush, sure, but it never brought me actual joy. _He_ did.”

   “Park Jinyoung?”

   “Yes,” Jaebum asserted. Park Jinyoung, who he had fallen in love with. Park Jinyoung, who had given him everything he lacked in life. Park Jinyoung, who showed him an adventure. Perhaps it was hard for the man in front of him to understand, perhaps it was hard for the whole world to understand, but what else was Jaebum supposed to have done? How could he continue a living an unfulfilling life, when Park Jinyoung laid out a fulfilling one in front of his feet.

   When the interrogator moved towards him, sat down closer and put a hand on his shoulder, all he wanted was to back away, but there was a wall right behind him. And when he shrugged, the interrogator didn’t drop his compassionate smile and if anything, _that_ irked Jaebum the most. “There must’ve been something more to it,” the interrogator said after a long silence.

   “I needed an adventure,” he said, looking up at the interrogator once more. “I was ready to follow him anywhere.”

   “Look, I understand. Desperation makes us do crazy things-.”

   “Call it what you will,” Jaebum hissed, feeling his temper building up. The questions where getting increasingly more and more stupid. “Desperation is not the word I’d go for.”

   “Of course not,” the man replied, and he could clearly sense the sarcasm. “And you never considered the fact that maybe, just maybe, Park Jinyoung used you?”

   Jaebum shot up from his chair, the man in front of him doing the same and taking a step back. No one understood anything, so what was the point in trying to explain? He didn’t plan on ending up in this confined, dark room just to have his own feelings judged.

   “Calm down,” one of the guards warned, taking a step forward and staring him right in the eye. Jaebum ignored it and took a step forward himself.

   “ _How_ did you even get this job?” Jaebum wondered. “I’m tired of this shit. I’m tired of constantly being judged, I’m tired of people trying they completely understand the situation and I’m _really_ tired of having your stinky breath in my face all the time!”

   “Alright,” the interrogator sighed, “this interview is over,” he said, motioning for the guards to do their job. Jaebum felt the cold handcuffs suddenly surrounding his wrists again. He tried to fight back, for no reason in particular other than being absolutely pissed, but there was really no point.

   “Why would he use me, anyway? You don’t even know the full story, you’re just making assumptions and I-.”

   “Let me just put it like this. I think Park Jinyoung used you, got what he wanted, and now you’re in jail. Think about that until Friday when I see you again.”

   Jaebum wanted to reply with something snarky, but he had no chance to as he was suddenly dragged to his cell, most likely receiving bruises from their hard grips on his arms, and then thrown into the cell without as much as an ounce of mercy.

   Normally Jaebum would’ve done at least _something_ to fight back. Kick the door. Hit a wall. Scream. But this was not one of those times. He was helpless, depressed and so very tired.

   Most of all, he deserved this. He knew very well he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm back with another fanfic that I wrote during nanowrimo 2016. I'm almost completely satisfied with this one so I hope you'll enjoy it too. I'll be posting like 2 chapters every Saturday, just so it's up an running for a while even though I already finished the whole thing :)  
> Also, I made a playlist of the songs I listened to (and was inspired by) during the process. You can check it out in the link below if you're interested!
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLXb5RUXwmDeEY_Z2o9s62rYMNEiBEpz4H


	2. March 16th, 2015

The spring breeze was cool as it blew gently against his face, yet it didn’t leave him feeling cold. That was the thing about spring – you weren’t really sure of how to dress, but the refreshing mix of leaving winter and entering summer made it worth it. The faint smell of grass that had just started to grow, the trees slowly regaining their strength and the sun shining brighter than before. Seoul was, in Jaebum’s eyes, the most beautiful at this time of the year; people seemed generally happier. The world seemed happier. Jaebum definitely was; spring gave him more strength to leave his apartment, gave him more strength to do _something_ that wasn’t work or getting drunk.

   Normally he’d spend his day possibly oversleeping, then go to work and sit through eight hours of putting on a fake smile and greeting sour customers, unpacking boxes of tomatoes, tea and whatnot, or pretending to listen to his annoying colleagues. None of them had managed to get on his good side, and Jaebum himself never bothered trying to get along. One always spoke about his wife obsessively, a young girl kept trying to get in his way in an attempt to flirt with him, and his personal favorite: the older guy who constantly talked to Jaebum about all the chicks he had banged or not banged, as if Jaebum cared. After those delightful eight hours, he’d mostly meet up with Yoo Youngjae and the others, which – naturally – often involved drinking. He used to always remind himself to control himself better when it came to alcohol, but nowadays he never did because honestly, there was no point.

   It was Monday and Jaebum had just gotten off work. He had Youngjae’s motorcycle with him; he often borrowed it during the weekdays to avoid public transportation (with the added bonus of Youngjae constantly reminding him to “pay for it yourself, you thief” as if Jaebum had actually stolen it.) Youngjae never used it himself these days. Instead, he asked Jaebum to drive him around and Jaebum would only say no if he actually had something else to do.

   Since their shifts ended almost at the same time, Youngjae had told him to go by the liquor store, because drinking on a Monday afternoon was completely normal in their eyes. Jaebum had about twenty minutes to kill before Youngjae would arrive outside, so he might as well take his time.

   Jaebum had to admit, there was something special about visiting a liquor store in the afternoon. It was almost as if he belonged there, although he’d admit to himself that it sounded pretty sad. But there was a general feeling of kinship inside the liquor store, at least among the possible, or definite, alcoholics. Although he could admit he was one in the gang, he wasn’t very interested in dealing with his addiction.

   After entering, Jaebum grabbed a cart and as he was about to go straight to his usual aisle, he realized once again that there was time to kill. He might as well look around, maybe he’d find something interesting. Usually he drank either soju or beer, or whiskey during one of those days. Wine worked on special occasions, but only white wine, which is why he found himself at the red wine aisle this time.

   The liquor store naturally had its regular customers, so Jaebum often recognized them and sometimes ended up in a small talk situation, but he didn’t really mind. It was the kinship thing – it did that. However, the young man standing in the aisle Jaebum just entered, he had never seen before. If he had, he would’ve remembered, because the sight before him was definitely not bad. Not bad at all.

   Jaebum decided to ignore his own thoughts and instead looked around at all the different wines, just like the guy next to him. When Jaebum glanced to his side, he saw a slight piece of the guy’s face, and determined that he was definitely just as confused as Jaebum. Glancing down at the cart in the guy’s hand, Jaebum also managed to figure out that the guy was, much like Jaebum, planning something for more than just himself.

   Typically, in this sort of scenario, all Jaebum would do was to ignore his surroundings and possibly walk the other way. But perhaps it was the kinskip thing again, or the view before him, or the spring weather. Nevertheless, Jaebum decided to simply go for it. He cleared his throat before speaking: “You okay there?”

   The guy next to him came back from his trance. He looked back at Jaebum, slightly taken aback and slightly too long for comfort, and then flashed a smile. “I have no idea what I’m doing,” he admitted.

   The smile was light a beam of blinding light in his face, but Jaebum effectively dodged it by looking away and down at the guy’s cart again. “You seem more like a white wine type of guy, huh.”

   “Right,” the guy replied. “Any recommendations, then?”

   “Truth be told, I’m in the same position as you,” Jaebum confessed. He felt quite content with himself when the other guy chuckled in response; this was going well, considering Jaebum usually didn’t initiate a conversation with strangers. Plus, the guy was hot, so that was another bonus point.

   They greeted each other formally, and Jaebum finally had a name on the person in front of him. _Park Jinyoung._ “Jinyoung is a nice name,” Jaebum said.

   “It’s not that special, but thanks,” Jinyoung replied.

   “So, Jinyoung, I suppose those aren’t all for yourself?” Jaebum asked, slightly pointing at Jinyoung’s cart.

   Jinyoung seemed strangely startled by the question, as if he had no idea there were two packs of beer and one wine bottle in his cart, but Jaebum decided to pay no mind to it. “Of course not. It’s my friend’s birthday today,” he replied, but it didn’t sound completely convincing. “And you?”

   It’d be embarrassing to admit that there was nothing to celebrate and that it was a completely typical Monday, so Jaebum decided to lie. “Birthday party here as well, but it’s tomorrow.”

   Apparently Jaebum didn’t sound convincing either, judging by how Jinyoung raised his eyebrows for a split second, but the subject was quickly dropped. “So,” Jinyoung started, “maybe we should move to the white wine aisle.”

   Since he knew his way around, he let Jinyoung follow him there. Jinyoung seemed to take note of the fact that Jaebum knew where to go, and he just had to ask, of course. “Do you go here often?”

   Jaebum snorted in response, feeling increasingly more and more awkward. “What do you mean by that?” he retorted.

   “Well, is this your local store or something? You seem acquainted with it,” Jinyoung replied. “I meant nothing bad with it, of course.”

   “I work close-by,” Jaebum explained, stopping next to the wine he knew he wanted and looking at Jinyoung again.

   “Oh, really?”

   Jinyoung was practically asking “where?”, Jaebum knew it, he just worded it differently. But there seemed to be no harm in answering. If anything, Jaebum should stop overanalyzing things. “Yeah, at the supermarket down the street,” he replied.

   “Ah,” Jinyoung simply responded, nodding as if to show that he understood. “So, anything you’d recommend here?”

   It was a chance to turn the conversation into something good again, so Jaebum went on about it. He wasn’t sure why, maybe he wanted to make a good impression. It felt the complete opposite; he probably sounded a bit too informed, but Jinyoung didn’t seem to mind. In fact, Jaebum didn’t realize Jinyoung’s staring until after what felt like an eternity. Sort of a dreamlike, I’m-pretending-to-listen-but-I’m-actually-not kind of stare. Or maybe Jaebum was just imagining way too nice things.

   “You’re still listening?”

   “Yes, of course. Why?” Jinyoung retorted, raising his eyebrows.

   Right. Imagining things. “Nothing. So do you want the Pinot Grigio or the Chardonnay?”

  

Jaebum noticed two things while they stood in line: First of all, Jinyoung had a nice ass. It wasn’t on purpose of course, his sight just landed on _that_ spot. He looked at it a bit longer than he wanted to admit to himself, but it was enough to notice that it was big. Peach-like. And Jaebum, who hadn’t gotten laid in God knows how long, naturally became transfixed, because his thoughts were definitely going places. It didn’t turn him on per se, it just made him… interested.

   Secondly, he noticed that Jinyoung was a money type of guy. It wasn’t automatically a bad thing, but Jinyoung’s wallet was definitely thick, and when Jaebum had asked which wine Jinyoung wanted, Jinyoung had replied with “the most expensive one”. That had to mean _something._ At least he didn’t flaunt it.

   Youngjae was waiting outside, which made Jaebum realize he had probably taken longer than twenty minutes. Youngjae began whining instantly as soon as he noticed Jaebum, but Jaebum was too busy looking at the motorcycle parked next to his own. And apparently, it belonged to Jinyoung, because he was sitting down on it now. Jaebum couldn’t help but quickly notice that ass in those khaki pants.

   As if things weren’t heated enough already.

   “Did you at least remember to buy something for Himchan as well?” Youngjae whined. “We’re going to his place tonight.”

   Jaebum looked at Youngjae, then quickly at Jinyoung who was looking at him, then quickly away. “You didn’t tell me beforehand,” Jaebum muttered. Not only did he feel gross for eyeing Jinyoung twice; thanks to Youngjae he was also proven a liar.

   “Great,” Youngjae sighed. Yeah, _great._

   “I gotta go but uh,” Jinyoung said reluctantly, “I’ll see you around,” he finished, smiling slightly (which, in Jaebum’s eyes, looked pretty much apologetic.) “Alright?”

   Not quite able to comprehend whatever that meant, all Jaebum did was stare dumbfounded, waving slightly and nodding in an awkward transfixion as Jinyoung looked almost pitiful. As if Jaebum was completely stupid and couldn’t even utter a sentence correctly. His brain hadn’t malfunctioned this badly in a long time, and the reason for it was a mystery. Jinyoung was nice so far, more than nice in fact, but that was no reason for him to act like a caveman.

   “Yeah, see ya,” Jaebum managed to say, but only after Jinyoung had drove off.

   Youngjae, who had been looking at Jinyoung until he disappeared from view, quickly turned back to Jaebum with a renewed interest and he immediately knew where this conversation was going. “’See ya’?,” Youngjae mimicked with a grin. “Did I ruin your moment?”

   “Drop it, Youngjae,” Jaebum warned and put the alcohol in the motorcycle’s small storage space.

   “Dude, just go for it, you ought to find someone in your life.”

   “Yeah, let me just chase after his motorcycle,” Jaebum replied sarcastically and sat down in front of Youngjae, putting his helmet on.

   “So you _are_ interested,” Youngjae remarked.

   “What I’m interested in is drinking until I pass out. And stop talking like a 12-year-old. Now, let’s go,” Jaebum muttered, revving up the engine.

   “You’ve got issues!” Youngjae yelled over the sounds from the bike.

   “Yeah, no shit, but whatever,” Jaebum replied, mostly to himself.


	3. January 9th, 2016

Im Jaebum had a bad habit of overthinking. Perhaps it was stupid to refer to is as a “bad habit”; Yoo Youngjae used to say it made him smart. That there was nothing wrong with him.

   Or, there was.

   He hated himself for not remembering. Jinyoung’s face was a blur in his mind, because all he had thought about over and over ever since the very moment it all happened was whether or not he should have fought harder against the grip around him.

   Whether or not he should have run to Jinyoung.

   Whether or not he should have tried to convince them not to go through with it.

   Whether or not he should have ever given Jinyoung his attention.

   If Jackson asked – or if anyone else asked – he’d simply say “the past is in the past and the present is the present.” It was a complete lie, at least from his mouth, and everyone knew it but no one said anything. Perhaps they wanted to let him mourn in silence, but Jaebum had convinced himself that there was nothing to mourn over – even though he was constantly overthinking.

   He had, at the very least, stopped looking at this point. Stopped asking. Jinyoung was simply left in his mind – nowhere else. Jinyoung was no longer the cause of his actions. He was no longer the cause of the words coming out of Jaebum’s mouth. He didn’t even exist through the shed of a tear. Jaebum justified his habit of overthinking by concluding that if Jinyoung didn’t exist anywhere, at least he’d stay in Jaebum’s mind. As long as Jaebum kept overthinking and beating himself up over every single second of September 14th, 2015, it’d be fine.

   The others refused to do the same. They’d talk about it all day, after all these months, as if something similar hadn’t happened before. September 14th was nothing special.

   Jaebum took it back the moment he processed the thought. Jinyoung was special and Jaebum should stop acting as if he was anything but. But this was Jaebum’s way of coping. Everyone understood it, but they didn’t respect his silent wishes to not talk about it. To move on. Even though he hadn’t himself. Even though he’d never be able to.

   The sudden banging on the front door shook him out of his thoughts, but whoever it was could wait. Hopefully forever. Jaebum had no intention of getting out of bed, and the whisky bottle was right next to him. He had everything he wanted right there. Sort of, at least.

   “Shut up,” Jaebum muttered, turning around in his bed and trying to block the sound out with his duvet. He had enough of a headache as it was, and he was feeling slightly ill too – God knows why. Sadly, it was impossible not to hear the loud banging from the hallway.

   Sighing heavily, Jaebum turned around to look at the clock on the nightstand. He was reminded yet again that it stopped working weeks ago. The sunlight was beaming through the window though, so it must’ve been close to midday.

   After a lot of contemplation, he realized the banging would never stop, so he dragged himself out of bed. He took his merry time grunting and putting a T-shirt on since the person outside had no problem waiting. Slowly but surely, he made his way to the front door.

   He was met with Jackson sighing right in his face, as if _Jaebum_ was a nuisance.

   “What?” Jaebum blurted out.

   “Get out of my way,” Jackson replied, obviously annoyed (as always these days) and barging in without even giving Jaebum a chance to respond.

   “What?” Jaebum repeated, closing the door behind the other.

   “Close the curtains, Jaebum,” Jackson simply responded. Jaebum couldn’t do much but roll his eyes; Jackson had a tendency to be a bit too paranoid.

   Jackson was the leader of their gang, and he had been since the beginning of it. There used to be seven of them, but now they were down at six. There was Bambam, a young boy from Thailand who came to Seoul for God knows what reason. Liked to brag a lot and could be somewhat annoying, but he was like a little brother to all of them. Yugyeom, however, was a few months younger and just as fun to tease. He didn’t act like the youngest, though, and could probably beat all of them up if he wanted to.

   Youngjae was a year older than the two of them. He was similar to Jinyoung in the way that he seemed innocent, but was actually the complete opposite. Jaebum coincidentally got along well with him, just as he had done with Yoo Youngjae back in the days.

   Mark was the oldest one of them; one year older than Jaebum, but his quietness often made Jaebum feel like the older one. He was American-Taiwanese, but had moved to Seoul to study abroad. That plan lasted for about five months.

   But now that he didn’t have Jinyoung, Jackson was the one who took care of him the most. Before the incident, he mentioned several times that Jaebum should’ve been their leader. Jaebum, knowing very well they wouldn’t be able to do this without someone like Jackson to lead them, always refused the compliment.

   “Don’t roll your eyes at me, Jaebum-ah. Precautions are important,” Jackson scolded, and proceeded to the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

   “So are honorifics,” Jaebum pointed out, following after. “What do you want?”

   “We’ll get to that later, _hyung_ ,” Jackson responded, sounding like some little kid defying his parent. “How are you?” he then asked, sounding much more genuine and concerned.

   Jaebum stretched out his arms in the air. “Never been better.”

   Jackson raised an eyebrow. “Really? When did you last shave?”

   “A week ago. It’s a new look I’m trying.”

   “Right,” Jackson replied, obviously tired of Jaebum’s tone. “It doesn’t suit you though.”

   Jaebum ignored the comment and poured up a glass of water for himself. It got silent after the small joking and nitpicking, but Jaebum didn’t know what to say. Jackson seemed to have something on his mind, but visibly unsure of how to put it or where to start.

   “We miss you,” was Jackson’s solution to the problem. Jaebum knew they did, he knew he was closing in on himself, but he had no idea of how to cope with this kind of loss. He had no idea of what to do with himself, whatsoever. He used to be able to speak freely with all of them, but at this point he could barely hold up a normal conversation with a single person. Jaebum missed them too, but he’d rather sit inside all day than go out and meet them again.

   “We miss Jinyoung-ah too, of course,” Jackson continued, quietly as if he had to be careful. Him and the others usually refrained from mentioning Jinyoung around Jaebum, probably afraid it’d hurt him more. Whenever they did, he didn’t know what to say anyway.

   Jackson knew this, so he continued. “You should get out of here. To keep him off your mind.”

   “I’m fine. I’ve moved on,” Jaebum said, trying to sound as determined as possible. “But I suppose I didn’t have to close the curtains for this?” he continued, trying to change the subject.

   “No, it’s something else,” Jackson started, putting down his glass. “Hyung, I’m not sure how you’re gonna take this but I thought I might as well ask.”

   “Then ask.”

   Jackson seemed to think for a moment. Whatever it was, it seemed important. Jaebum was getting impatient though, so he drank some more water. If anything, it helped against the hangover.

   “Look, man, it’s not easy to say this but uh… we’re planning another score,” Jackson explained, turning to look at Jaebum fully, biting his lips slightly in anticipation of Jaebum’s answer.

   There was something about Jackson that made him quite convincing. Perhaps it was his looks, his tone or his strength. He was an attractive, kind and convincing guy. But not convincing enough to go through with a second score, not to mention a first. Jackson wasn’t Jinyoung, and Jinyoung wasn’t here. The thought of going through such a dangerous process again with the constant knowledge that everything could go wrong… Jaebum didn’t even know what to say to that.

   Jaebum stayed quiet, because he had no idea of what to say. They had kept it on the low since their last robbery and he liked it that way. A calm life was exactly what he needed right now, or at least thought he needed.

   “Another bank robbery,” Jackson added cautiously. “Outside of Seoul.”

   “You’re crazy,” was all Jaebum managed to say.

   “I know, man…,” Jackson sighed, running a hand through his hair. “But it’s what… It’s what we do, you know? It’s the way we live. And without you we’d be down at five people. If you came with us, it’d be a lot easier to pull off.”

   Jaebum shook his head. “I’m not doing it.”

   “Some of us believe it could help us move on. _You_ , most of all. Doing something with the guys again.”

   Jaebum looked at the floor and leaned against the kitchen desk. “If anything, I deserve to go to jail. We all do. We shouldn’t be out here, living our lives while Jinyoung’s dead. It’s not fair. It’s not fair against all the people we’ve stolen from, pointed guns at, whatever.”

   “Then why didn’t you turn yourself in?” Jackson asked.

   The conversation was becoming increasingly and increasingly more annoying, and Jaebum wanted nothing more than some more time alone, a glass of whisky and staying in bed all day. He didn’t want to talk about this, but Jackson was luring him into some sort of trap that consisted of an emotional therapy session.

   “Because I’m a coward,” Jaebum mumbled. Hopefully that’d be the end of it.

   It seemed like it, for a moment, because Jackson said nothing while they simply stood there, contemplating Jaebum’s sudden confession and wondering what to make of it and where to go from there. He obviously wasn’t used to Jaebum showing his feelings recently.

   It came as a sort of surprise when Jackson suddenly hugged him tightly, forcing Jaebum’s arms around his own waist and hugging so hard Jaebum had trouble breathing. He wasn’t sure if he liked it or not, but Jackson had a way of being as touchy as possible and Jaebum hadn’t had a choice but to get used to it.

   Even though he had trouble breathing, he came to the conclusion that he sort of liked it. Jackson always exuded warmth; something Jaebum used to really appreciate. He still did, in some way, but he’d rather avoid it these days. Jackson’s hugs were a perfect example; it made Jaebum soft and he didn’t want that at all.

   After coming to his senses, Jaebum pulled away. “I don’t think you need me anyway. You can find someone else,” he said, feeling a bit too awkward to look Jackson straight in the eyes.

   “Well, we trust you. You know what to do, you know the chemistry,” Jackson argued, and sighed slightly when he received no answer. “I get it. Conversation over.”

   “Sorry.”

   “It’s fine, man. I understand,” Jackson replied, giving Jaebum a pat on the shoulder. “So anyway,” he continued, looking around the kitchen. “You should clean this place.”

   “Maybe tomorrow,” Jaebum replied shortly and started looking for a leftover coffee filter somewhere.

   Jaebum’s apartment was a pretty small one, around 35 square meters with a main room, kitchen and bathroom. The kitchen was rather small; there was just enough space for a dining table and three chairs that stood by the window. At this time the sun would shine through it, but the curtains were down and had been down for quite long. All you could see now was a few glimpses of sunlight peering through.

   The living room was also his bedroom. On one side you’d find a partly secluded area with a half wall, and behind it a messy bed usually accompanied with a bottle of alcohol next to it. The rest of the living room was equally messy, if not worse. His sofa table was currently filled with used plates, glasses and cigarette buds, since Jaebum had recently gotten used to smoking inside.

   It was a pretty modern apartment in the end; when it was clean, it looked great. The walls were mostly white, the furniture were neat and there were fake flowers here and there to create the illusion of “fresh” or simply “not dead”. With the rest of the apartment looking like an explosion, however, it didn’t look quite convincing.

   “I’m out of coffee filters,” Jaebum concluded and closed the cabinet door a little too hard.

   Jackson ignored his whining. “Go out and catch some sunlight, why don’t you,” he said, putting his glass away. “Buy coffee or whatever.”

   “It’s fine,” Jaebum replied, slightly annoyed. “I still have whisky, somewhere…,” he trailed off as he started looking around him.

   “Right, okay,” Jackson said, obviously judging hard. “I gotta bounce, but I’ll see you around. Maybe I’ll come knocking tomorrow morning again,” he teased.

   “I’ll maim you,” Jaebum replied flatly.

   “Okay, easy with the empty threats. At least you still have some humor,” Jackson retorted. “See you later,” he said, then left Jaebum alone in his messy kitchen.

   Jaebum ruffled his hair and leaned against the kitchen table. If anything, he really needed that whisky bottle right now. Maybe that would make him prone to the idea of joining in on another score. He didn’t want to, God knows he definitely didn’t, but he felt bad. They counted on him, always had from the beginning, but he couldn’t bring himself to do such a thing again. It would be way too traumatizing.

   It was stupid how he was the only one still badly affected by what happened. He felt ridiculous, as if he was overreacting. It had been around three months; shouldn’t that be enough time to move on? Jaebum had no idea. He had no idea how to deal with his sorrow, no idea of what to think or do. Did you simply go on living your life, knowing that the one person you cared about the most is gone?


	4. March 25th, 2015

Jaebum would be lying if he said he hadn’t shared a single thought on what happened last week. March 16th, to be exact. Why did he even remember the date, first of all?

   Jinyoung knew where he worked, and Jaebum sort of expected him to suddenly pop up in an aisle, or waiting in line to buy something. Maybe he had visited during Jaebum’s break, and therefore they had missed each other. Or perhaps Jinyoung hadn’t visited at all. It’d be a pretty stupid scenario anyway, and far from as beautiful and romantic as Jaebum imagined it. Then again, their first meeting was at a liquor store.

   He wasn’t truly interested anyway.

   But on March 25th, 2015, it happened. In the personal hygiene aisle. Jaebum was completely out of it, mindlessly unpacking boxes of sanitary pads and putting them in their respective spots. He just wanted the day to end so that he could get home, strip down to his boxers and watch stupid television. Youngjae was busy with God knows what, and Jaebum normally spent most days inside composing music, but lately he had been completely out of ideas. It was the most annoying feeling. If he couldn’t create, he couldn’t do anything.

   He was quite startled when he heard someone clear their throat right behind him. Jaebum turned around quickly with an armful of sanitary pads, and was once again startled to see Jinyoung standing there.

   “Having fun with those?”

   Jaebum didn’t know what to respond, he was too dumbfounded but he tried to act cool about it. “Time of my life. Need some?” he replied as casually as possible.

   “Funny,” Jinyoung replied flatly, but then flashed a smile. “When does your shift end?”

   Jaebum checked his wrist watch. “In an hour,” he replied confusedly.

   “Okay, meet me outside in an hour then,” Jinyoung replied, then left Jaebum alone with his sanitary pads.

   Jaebum sighed heavily. Totally not awkward.

 

After a long, dreary hour, Jaebum quickly changed out of the uniform, grabbed his bag and left, swiftly managing to avoid the clingy colleague who kept trying to ask him out.

   Much like Jinyoung had said, he was waiting outside the entrance, leaning against a wall while smoking a cigarette. Whatever was so hot about a guy smoking a cigarette, Jaebum had no idea.

   Trying his best to act like he hadn’t rushed outside, Jaebum walked up to the other and leaned against the wall himself. “Here I am,” he announced, as if he was a present or something.

   Jinyoung looked up at him and smiled again. “Hey.”

   Jaebum instantly looked away. “Got one of those for me?” he said, nodging at the cigarette in Jinyoung’s hand.

   Without a word, Jinyoung took out a package from his jacket pocket and gave Jaebum a cigarette. “Wanna go for a walk?”

   “Sure,” Jaebum replied, still without any idea of what this meeting was about – if it even was about anything.

   They walked together in silence, Jaebum smoking his cigarette and Jinyoung kicking some stones. It was awkward but at the same time not. Jaebum thought that maybe he should say something, but he didn’t quite know what to say. It was all pretty weird, but also calming. The sun was shining, it was a warm March day and slightly breezy, which instantly made him feel better after a long day at work.

   At this point it felt like they’d just keep walking until Jinyoung decided he had had enough, but when they reached a park and were somewhat more secluded, he finally spoke.

   “How old are you, by the way?” Jinyoung inquired.

   “I’m 22, born in January,” Jaebum replied.

   “Oh, then you’re my hyung,” Jinyoung concluded, and the conversation ended.

   Jaebum got tired of walking in almost complete silence, so he offered to sit down on a park bench. If anything, they could at least appreciate the view like this. The sun was shining through the naked trees above them and before them was a lake, almost completely unfrozen. It was quiet and secluded, even though it was in the middle of Seoul.

   Once again, Jinyoung lit a cigarette and sighed slightly. “I should really stop smoking at some point. There’s nothing good about it.”

   Jaebum wanted to remark that if anything, Jinyoung at least looked attractive while doing it. Like one of those bad boy commercials. But he chose not to. “Same here,” was all he replied. “But it’s calming.”

   “Right. Like alcohol,” Jinyoung pointed out, looking at Jaebum. Jaebum simply raised his eyebrows in response.

   “So how was the wine?”

   Jinyoung smirked, turning around slightly on the bench so he was facing Jaebum. “It was good. You have a nice taste,” he replied, taking another inhale of the cigarette.

   Jaebum mimicked his actions, not caring that they were not sitting pretty close to each other. He leaned his head against the palm of his hand. “Thanks, I guess.”

   Instead of replying, Jinyoung simply studied Jaebum’s face. It was – once again – awkward; he had no idea where to look even though it only lasted for approximately five seconds, and then Jinyoung’s phone suddenly rang.

   The trance Jinyoung had been in was suddenly cut off as he looked down at his phone screen instead. Jaebum waited for him to answer, pretending he wasn’t going to listen, but Jinyoung simply looked at it in confusion, then pressed the red button.

   “Birthday party issues?” Jaebum asked, mostly in intent to check Jinyoung’s reaction.

   “What?” Jinyoung said, obviously confused by Jaebum’s question. “Oh, no. Nothing about that,” he added.

   Jaebum chuckled. “You’re a bad liar.”

   Jinyoung looked at him again, smiling back. “That’s the first time I see you smile,” he replied, ignoring Jaebum’s comment.

   “What?” it was Jaebum’s turn to say.

   “Yeah,” Jinyoung continued, once again studying Jaebum’s face, but it didn’t feel as awkward this time. “You should smile often.”

   “Why?”

   Jinyoung snorted. “Because you have like, a 1000-watt smile. Are you not aware of this?”

   Suddenly embarrassed, Jaebum couldn’t do anything but look away. He wasn’t much of a blushing guy, but Jinyoung seemed to be some sort of magician. “People have told me, but- “

   “Well, you have to agree,” Jinyoung interrupted, to which Jaebum just shook his head. “Come on,” Jinyoung prodded. “You’re just being modest. Guys like you know they look good.”

   “Guys like me?” Jaebum asked.

   “You know, leather jacket and all,” Jinyoung teased, suddenly reaching out towards Jaebum’s ear and touching the earrings. “And these.”

   It was surprising how warm Jinyoung was, considering the weather. He was freezing slightly himself, but Jinyoung’s touch helped. He was startled by it, but everything felt increasingly more and more natural, as if this wasn’t the first time Jinyoung touched him. It was, though, and Jaebum hated to admit that he’d remember it when going to bed tonight.

   “Did it hurt?”

   It was a perfect moment to make a lame, flirty joke, but Jaebum decided not to. He could just be interpreting things wrong anyway, and this was the longest conversation he’d had in a long while, outside of Youngjae’s friend circle. He better not screw it up. “Not that much, just the auricle.”

   “This one?” Jinyoung asked, moving his fingers up to the right one.

   Jaebum nodded slightly, carefully so that Jinyoung wouldn’t remove his hand just yet. “Your hand is surprisingly warm,” he mumbled.

   “Yeah?” Jinyoung responded, pulling back his hand, much to Jaebum’s disappointment. “And you’re really cold. This is why you don’t wear a leather jacket in March, dude.”

   Jaebum shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t own any other jacket.”

   “Really,” Jinyoung replied flatly.

   It felt like a perfect opportunity to tease the other, so Jaebum did. “Plus, it fits me pretty well, doesn’t it?”

   “See, this is what I’m talking about,” Jinyoung whined, and Jaebum couldn’t help but laugh. “You know you look good.”

   “Come on, I’m nothing special,” Jaebum replied, suddenly serious again.

   “Oh, you’re not? Go on, strike a pose,” Jinyoung insisted, pushing Jaebum slightly as if that would make him do it. Jaebum simply shook his head in response, laughing at the situation because things were definitely getting out of hand.

   “Do it yourself.”

   “Look at me,” Jinyoung chuckled. “I wear khaki pants for fun, I heard that’s not a thing anymore.”

   “It definitely is. You don’t look bad,” Jaebum mumbled, smiling with reassurance.

   Jinyoung snorted. “I also read books for fun.”

   “So do I,” Jaebum replied.

   “Oh? I’m sorry, I’ll stop judging you by your sharp jawline,” Jinyoung teased, and wow, Jaebum had never before received this many ridiculous compliments within 24 hours. “What do you read?” Jinyoung then asked.

   Ignoring the first comment, Jaebum began mentioning all the good books he could think of. Gone Girl, Norwegian Wood, Me Before You, The Great Gatsby-.

   “You read The Great Gatsby?” Jinyoung asked, immediately interested. If he was a dog, his ears would be sticking up at this point.

   Jaebum nodded. “I take it you like it?”

   “Are you kidding? It’s my favorite book ever,” Jinyoung started, and suddenly they were lost in a heated discussion about Gatsby, Daisy, whether Gatsby deserved his fate or not, the stupidity of love, and so forth. It gradually turned into a monologue, because Jaebum realized he didn’t need to talk. He realized he’d rather look at Jinyoung passionately talk about his favorite book as if nothing else mattered, and when Jaebum did this, he noticed things he hadn’t had a chance to see before. The fact that Jinyoung cleared his throat often, the fact that he couldn’t stop moving his hands around when he was excited. How smooth his voice sounded.

   By all of this, Jaebum also came to realize that Jinyoung was a very calming person to be around. They barely knew each other yet, but Jaebum felt comfortable. He’d grow to understand that Jinyoung was one of those kind of people; their whole aura was calming, even if you had just met. Even if you were angry at something or someone. It was as if you had known Jinyoung for years, and Jaebum definitely found enjoyment in it immediately. After all, he needed it, as bad as his temper could be.

   It felt like an eternity of Jaebum staring passed by, but he didn’t grow tired of it. And Jinyoung didn’t grow tired of having his monologue, probably because it seemed like Jaebum was still listening. Jaebum, on the other hand, was far too busy smiling to himself while enjoying the view.

   Apparently he took a bit too long answering, because Jinyoung now fully looked at him and realized Jaebum was staring intently. “Are you listening?” he asked, but his playful tone hinted that he knew Jaebum wasn’t.

   “I agree with everything you said,” Jaebum teased back, not ready to be pushed as hard as he was, because he barely managed to catch himself.

   Now Jinyoung was laughing, covering his mouth with his hand (another habit Jaebum noticed) instead of apologizing, and Jaebum’s body instantly got warmer.

   It was that cozy feeling. Interest is all it was at this point, but a pretty big interest.

   “Wow, I’m sorry,” Jinyoung chuckled, pulling Jaebum back in an upright position. “I didn’t want to push you that hard.”

   “Well now you’re just being modest, aren’t you?” Jaebum teased, mimicking the way Jinyoung said it earlier. “You probably think that was nothing, huh.”

   Just like the previous week, Jaebum once again felt content with himself because Jinyoung was laughing harder than ever. “Hyung, I was just teasing you,” he snickered, hitting Jaebum slightly on the shoulder.

   There was something about being called hyung that sparked his further interest, but Jaebum was too busy to focus on that right now. He couldn’t help but laugh at the way Jinyoung was acting. “You call me hyung and then you hit me!” he exclaimed, pushing Jinyoung away slightly because he was all over the place at this point.

   Thankfully, Jinyoung managed to calm down. “Sorry. I’ll stay calm now.”

   “It’s okay,” Jaebum smiled, which made Jinyoung look at him again. He was obviously about to say something, but then lost his trail of thought.

   “What time is it, by the way?” Jinyoung inquired.

   Jaebum checked his wrist watch. “Around fifteen minutes past five.”

   “Ah,” Jinyoung said, straightening up. “I should go.”

   They both stood up, and this was the moment Jaebum would remember the most from their second meeting. There was an awkward silence again, except it wasn’t awkward this time. Jinyoung’s face was painted with sunlight, and it made his eyes shine brighter as he looked straight into Jaebum’s. Jaebum had no idea of what to say and apparently Jinyoung didn’t either. The magic from before had yet to wear off, yet everything was back to serious again. Jaebum stared back as intently as Jinyoung, studying the other’s face partly in confusion, partly in appreciation because the man in front of him looked like someone you’d follow anywhere. Jinyoung seemed to feel the exact same.

   Jaebum was about to say something to break the silence, but he suddenly felt fingers trailing over his. A tickling but warm sensation. They were still looking at each other, and for some reason Jaebum didn’t dare to break the gaze, but those fingers were a good distraction. He had no idea what Jinyoung was doing until he felt a small, folded paper in his hand.

   He had no clue what it was, but he had his hopes and guesses. The fingers were still there, closing his hand and lingering, and Jaebum couldn’t help it when his breath hitched in his throat, forcing him to swallow once.

   Jinyoung’s face was way too close for normal comfort, but at this point Jaebum didn’t mind. He had noticed they were at almost the exact same height, so he didn’t feel little. Either they were equal, or Jaebum was superior. “Hyung” had little meaning at this point with the way Jinyoung looked at him, and the way he looked back. To Jaebum’s disappointment, though, the fingers slowly left his hand and Jinyoung seemed to be out of his trance.

   “I’ll see you around, hyung,” Jinyoung said quietly. Only Jaebum would’ve been able to hear it. He nodded slightly in response, gripping the paper in his hand hard as Jinyoung walked past him and left.

   For some reason, he didn’t move for a while until he guessed that Jinyoung was completely gone. When he turned around, there was no vision of the other, so he looked down at the paper in his hand, unfolded it, and saw a phone number scribbled down.

   He wasn’t sure what warmed him the most. The fact that Jinyoung had scribbled it down in advance and therefore planned all of this, or the fact that this was actually happening.


	5. January 16th, 2016

The phone next to him on the sofa suddenly vibrated, nearly scaring Jaebum to death. He had been so close to dozing off a second time, but the phone kept interrupting him. It was testing his patience, so Jaebum finally picked it up and squinted at the bright screen. Two messages from Jackson, three from Yugyeom. They all said the same thing: “Are you coming?” but with increased amount of caps and question marks.

   Jaebum sighed and locked the phone so that the living room was pitch black once again. Whenever the guys wanted to throw a party, it ended up like this; Jaebum saying yes at first, instantly regretting it, ignoring his phone for the whole night and keeping to himself. Funny how things changed. A year ago, all he did was partying. It was the most fun he could have.

   It was to be expected, but still caught Jaebum by surprise when he heard a knock on the front door. He seriously considered getting a restraining order at this point. For being a pretty lonely guy, he had people knocking on his door quite often. Too often.

   To his surprise, it wasn’t Jackson’s face he was met with. It was Bambam’s.

   “Jesus Christ,” Jaebum groaned, shutting the door instantly.

   “Ey!” he heard Bambam exclaim behind the door, then it was opened and closed again. “Bro, you should treat _me_ with more respect!”

   “I can’t deal with your energy right now, Bambam,” Jaebum replied, rubbing a hand over his face.

   “Look, I’mma just pop down on your sofa and chill here for a bit,” Bambam simply responded, moving into the living room, turning the light on and taking over the whole sofa. Like usual.

   Jaebum followed him into the room, squinting slightly because of the sudden bright light. “I’m not going to the party, so you might as well give up already,” he said tiredly.

   “You asshole,” Bambam retorted. “At least answer our texts!”

   “Yeah, _texts_. Stop spamming me, you know I never end up going.”

   Bambam made a sound as to say that Jaebum’s statement was wrong. “You never want to, but we pester you until you end up going,” he said, suddenly noticing the bottle of whiskey on the table. “Oh, mind if I take some?”

   “Yes.”

   “Great!” Bambam cheered, grabbing the bottle and taking a big zip. Jaebum would have to get it back fast, because it always ended like this. Bambam just acted like an asshole until Jaebum gave up and came along (well, he generally acted like an asshole), Youngjae made him feel bad for saying no, Jackson convinced him that it could be good for him, Yugyeom tried to act cute until Jaebum couldn’t take the cringe anymore, and Mark, well, he never came. No matter what, it always ended with Jaebum going out, and that always seemed to end in some sort of disaster.

   “Hyung, with all due respect, you’re pretty stupid,” Bambam suddenly said. It wasn’t the first time he had said exactly that, so Jaebum never really cared. He barely even cared about honorifics at this point, not when it came to Bambam. Of course, he’d never tell Bambam that.

   “What now?” Jaebum sighed, quite uninterested in hearing the rest.

   “You’re gonna turn into Gollum or some shit by living like this. To be honest, I think your hairline is going up.”

   They looked at each other for a long moment, until they couldn’t do anything but laugh. Jaebum felt his forehead and considered that there was a possibility. “I hate you,” he said, and Bambam simply laughed harder.

   “You’re 23 years old but you might as well be close to sixty soon,” Bambam continued, still giggling. Teasing Jaebum was probably his favorite hobby.

   Jaebum immediately wrestled Bambam down, pushing his head down the mattress until Bambam stopped laughing. When he let go, Bambam gave him some space to sit next to him, once again giggling.

   Even though the circumstances were as they were, Jaebum still liked every single one of them. Bambam was, in the end, a good dongsaeng, just a bit of an asshole as well. But Jaebum had grown fond of him, had grown fond of them all, really. The only older one than him was Mark, but he still treated them all like little children. Or, had. These days he was very absent and he felt sorry sometimes, but he didn’t know what else to do. They understood, at least, which was helpful. Jaebum just wished he could be less of an asshole himself. They all had their scars and their worries. He used to be a guy they could rely on with their darkest secrets. Now, he was just a selfish bastard who closed in on himself.

   Bambam seemed to have read his thoughts. “Stop sitting here like a lonely junkie and come to the damn party. Yeah, you’ll regret it tomorrow morning, but we all will.”

   Jaebum rolled his eyes in defeat. “Fine.”

 

And that’s how Jaebum found himself at one of the biggest clubs in Seoul.

   Mark and Jackson were all over each other as per usual, Bambam was on the dancefloor half dancing, half dabbing as fast as possible with Yugyeom quickly joining in. Youngjae was staying close to Jaebum – as he always did – and Jaebum was completely, utterly wasted.

   He kept hearing Youngjae screaming various things in his ear, but he couldn’t quite pick up what it was. He was obviously completely out of it, so Youngjae would have to accept that. Instead of answering, he put an arm around Youngjae and pulled him close, which was a good thing because right after, he almost fell.

   “You need to sit down!” he heard Youngjae scream, but he just shook his head.

   “Calm down, Young-,” he started, but managed to somehow trip over his own feet and fall, dragging Youngjae down with him.

   “Goddamnit, hyung!” Youngjae exclaimed, pushing Jaebum away. Jaebum was too drunk to even consider saying sorry, so he just laughed in response while Youngjae pushed him away.

   “You seriously need more alcohol,” Jaebum exclaimed, completely out of breath. He struggled to stand up again, so Youngjae helped him up.

   “Someone needs to take care of you all, since you won’t!”

   Jaebum rolled his eyes. “I never did that. Jinyoungie did.”

   “Well, he ain’t here,” Youngjae replied, quickly taking the cup from Jaebum’s hand that he had just found abandoned on a table.

   Jaebum snorted. “Whaddaya you know? You weren’t even there! Now get outta my way,” he sputtered, pushing Youngjae to the side. “Drink some alcohol, you pussy! Or better, eat some,” he finished, staggering forward to Mark and Jackson who were still busy with each other.

   “Excuuuse me,” Jaebum whispered, surprised because they didn’t hear him through the blasting music. He tried again, but their only response was Jackson sneaking a hand down Marks’s pants, which was Jaebum’s time to physically intervene.

   “ _What?”_ Jackson urged, looking at him for a split second and then continuing. “We’re busy,” he mumbled as his face disappeared into Mark’s neck.

   “I wanna announce something,” Jaebum sputtered, pulling them apart. “Listen _closely_!”

   Mark literally leaned in, which made Jackson push him in annoyance. “Get on with it!”

   “Threesome?” Mark asked, grinning from ear to ear, and Jaebum almost puked on the spot. Mark became that one ridiculously sexual person when drunk. It was pretty much an unspoken rule at this point to propose a threesome whenever the three of them got drunk together. Jaebum had no plans on saying yes, so he wasn’t sure why Mark bothered.

   “Still a no,” Jaebum replied. “I have something else to say.”

   Jackson looked like he was close to pulling his hair out at this point, obviously ready to go back to working on Mark’s neck (which Jaebum noticed was full of hickeys), but Jaebum interrupted him again.

   “I’m gonna fuck someone tonight,” Jaebum announced, giggling and giving Mark a high-five. “I’m gonna get so laid,” he continued mostly to himself while trying to keep his balance.

   Jackson had stopped in his motions and was now looking at Jaebum fully. “Are you sure?” he asked reluctantly.

   “Stop worrying about me!” Jaebum replied, slightly annoyed. “I’m all over it, man. Look, I gotta bounce. I need to find a victim,” he finished, earning another high-five from Mark.

   “Don’t come crawling back to me when it goes bad,” Jackson exclaimed when Jaebum started walking away.

   “Or do,” Mark giggled, but stopped when Jackson gave him a death glare.

   Jaebum decided to ignore both of them and managed to reach the dance floor. He saw Youngjae again, this time with alcohol in his hand and grinding the air vigorously along with Yugyeom. Jaebum should probably apologize for acting stupid, but right now he didn’t care. That was something to take care of in the morning.

   The dance floor was full of people. It was the only time Jaebum could handle it; he was too full to care about anything, and it was a part of the experience, after all. Everyone got sweaty together, everyone jumped in the air together, danced together, felt the music together. The music was usually bad though, and this club mostly played Western dubstep songs, but Jaebum couldn’t care less about that right now. He needed to dance.

   So he did. Jaebum wouldn’t call himself a bad dancer per se; alcohol made him do the stupidest things on the dancefloor, but no one cared and honestly, everyone looked more or less stupid. He actually had some experience with b-boying, meaning he knew a few good moves, but he was definitely not going to try that when drunk. It would only earn him a ticket to the pavement along with a concussion.

   The music was loud in his ears and he felt himself getting further and further lost in it as he closed his eyes. It reminded him of the trance he entered when creating music on his own; it was just like being drunk. Drunk on your creations and the simple fact that you had done that all by yourself. It was one of the greatest feelings Jaebum knew, really. And he missed it, of course. It wasn’t much, but it gave him a purpose. All he had now was thin air next to him in bed, too many alcohol bottles, cigarette stumps and way too much money to spend on nothing. _Dirty_ money, to make matters worse.

   Everything was spinning, more so than he could control. When he opened his eyes again, it was as if he was in a different world. He could barely hear the music now, and it seemed like everyone were moving slower than usual. Alcohol usually gave him these trippy feelings from time to time if he was drunk enough, but nothing like this.

   There was no sight of his friends around him. In fact, all he could see were the people around him dancing and jumping as well as some couples making out here and there. Jaebum probably looked stupid right now, he realized, because he was standing completely still in the middle of the dance floor. It was just that something didn’t seem quite right.

   That was when he saw him. Jinyoung. There seemed to open up a path between them, in the middle of the dance floor, so Jaebum could spot him perfectly. Jinyoung was looking at him too, with that intent look of his, and it instantly reminded Jaebum of that day in the park.

   Jinyoung moved closer, slowly, and Jaebum simply stared. Perhaps it wasn’t real, but it definitely felt that way. He didn’t even want to think about it; this was happening right now and he never wanted anyone or anything to take it away from him.

   When Jinyoung reached him, their faces were close to each other again. It felt like a mimic of their second meeting right now; Jinyoung’s look, the silence, the cold breeze that went through Jaebum’s body. He was even wearing his signature leather jacket, and Jinyoung was wearing his signature khaki pants.

   “Are you real?” Jaebum found himself asking.

   Jinyoung smiled in response. He didn’t verbally reply, and Jaebum didn’t really expect an answer either. Really, he wasn’t sure what to expect. All he wanted was Jinyoung by his side, and it was the only thing he could never have. The closest thing he could get to that was hallucinating in the middle of the dance floor at 2 A.M.

   “You’re so beautiful,” Jaebum mumbled, not sure of what to do or say. Jinyoung needed to go away, his brain needed to start functioning like normal again, but he had no idea how to fix it.

   Reluctantly, Jaebum reached out a hand, not sure of what would happen or what he would feel, but when his fingers met Jinyoung’s arm, he blinked and everything seemed to be back to normal. The music was full in his ears again, people were moving normally, and there was a girl in front of him.

   “You’re not so bad yourself,” she cooed, inching closer.

   When Jaebum looked down, he noticed her arm was the one he had grabbed. When he looked to the side, though, there was no open path there. The dancefloor seemed more crowded than before, actually, and he had no way of spotting his friends now.

   “Something wrong?” she asked, and Jaebum looked at her again. He instantly remembered what he had said to Jackson and Mark before. This was his chance, and it was a good one. Everything that just happened was a hallucination, nothing else. He needed to do this. Pressure himself for once. Perhaps it could help him move on, or at least think about someone else for a bit. God knows he needed it.

   Jaebum shook his head slightly. “Just the alcohol,” he replied, pulling her in close to him, and thus they began to dance.

   He was honestly kind of glad he had found a girl instead. If he was going to do this, he’d rather do it with someone who resembled Jinyoung as little as possible. She was short, brown haired unlike Jinyoung’s black, wore glasses and the hands on his back were soft and feminine. He generally preferred men, but it was easier to find a girl. Plus, it had been a long time and so far, it wasn’t so bad.

   The dance was getting increasingly more and more sexual, so Jaebum decided to shut off his mind completely if he would be able to do this. He stopped thinking and solely acted.

   When he felt her hand trailing down over his chest, he responded by moving his own down to her ass. She liked it, obviously; he could feel her smile against his neck. When he squeezed a little, she looked up at him, and it felt like an eternity before their lips finally connected.

   She was definitely not doing this the way Jaebum liked it, but he tried to ignore it. She was overly eager, kissing like there was no tomorrow, but Jaebum liked to take things slow. Liked to build things up. After all, the night was young and they were in no rush. Nevertheless, it was nice once he managed to shut off his thoughts again. Something he needed to practice more often.

   When he opened his eyes again as they switched sides (because they were already French kissing, much to Jaebum’s disappointment) the world started spinning again. However, he still managed to land his eyes on Jackson, who was standing on the other side of the dance floor.

   As to prove his point, Jaebum went in for it more aggressively this time, and she obviously liked that. He saw Jackson turn around at the corner of his eyes, but whatever. It didn’t matter. Jaebum had successfully proven that he could move on from Jinyoung.

   _Jinyoung_.

   She pulled away and looked into his eyes. She was obviously very much into it, but Jaebum wasn’t anymore. He needed to get away. He felt sick, disgusting and weird. The whole situation was unnatural; he couldn’t help but be sickened by the sight of her in front of him. As if it was her fault. It was his own, he knew, but he also knew he was a natural professional at blaming others. Right now, she stood right where Jinyoung should stand, but Jinyoung wasn’t there. He’d never be there.

   “Do you live nearby?” she said clearly into her ear, and Jaebum didn’t know what to say. Despite the ugliness building up inside of him, he didn’t want to be rude. She was obviously expecting something at this point; it would be awful of him to deny her now.

   He nodded in response, afraid of answering verbally, and she instantly smiled.

   “Wanna get out of here?”

   Jaebum was just about to choke out a “sure,” but then someone grabbed him as if on cue.

   “Sorry, darling, but he’s gonna have to come with me,” Jaebum heard Jackson say. Typicality of it. Of course Jackson would ruin the moment. Or save the day, as he would see it.

   “Fuck off,” Jaebum retorted, trying to push Jackson away. The alcohol made him weak though, and he wanted to get out of there after all. He mouthed a sorry to the girl as Jackson continued to drag him away.

   “Yugyeom’s getting kicked out, so we’re leaving,” Jackson explained.

   “What? Why?”

   “He tried to hump the dancefloor again. Goddamn, he never learns.”

   Normally Jaebum would laugh at that, but he was too upset right now to care. The cold outside made it feel like he ran into a stone wall. He groaned in complaint and managed to free himself from Jackson’s grip.

   “If you ask me, I’m on your side dude. It’s just a dance move,” Bambam argued, and Mark was in the middle of arguing against him. Youngjae was sitting on the ground next to Yugyeom.

   The cold continued to feel like a wall, and Jaebum felt ill again. Perhaps it wasn’t anything other than the alcohol, but he couldn’t shake all the feelings that he just experienced within ten minutes.

   Honestly, he felt like a cheater.

   Jinyoung was dead, yes, but they always swore to love each other forever. And Jaebum still did, but he flirted with someone else anyway, touched her, kissed her. Even bragged about it to Jackson, who was most likely disgusted with him right now. What kind of person was he to do such a thing? If the roles had been reversed, Jinyoung wouldn’t have flirted with someone else. He wouldn’t have ignored his friends either. What truly irked Jaebum, in the end, was that he should be dead. Jinyoung deserved to live more than he did. He was a much better person than Jaebum could ever be.

   “Hyung, are you alright?” he heard Youngjae ask while everyone else were busy arguing over something, or nothing. Jaebum couldn’t answer. He felt the saliva building up in his mouth, felt the tears coming too, and it was all too much to handle. The only thing he could do was stagger to the side and puke.

   Everyone were suddenly quiet and Jaebum hated that. He didn’t want attention, affection or _anything_ from them. He wanted to be alone, wallow in his self-hatred, drown in his own puke and end the suffering. But someone – probably Youngjae – had put a hand on his back.

   He puked again. And again.

   “Jesus,” Yugyeom whispered.

   Jaebum desperately dried his mouth on the arm of his jacket, a bit too harsh. The puking stopped, but the tears didn’t. It was like an unstoppable river at this point. It was a fucking embarrassment to everyone involved, he knew. He hated crying, especially in front of others. Generally, he shut out all feelings and left an empty shell that consisted of broken promises and alcohol. That was his way of coping. Not this. Not embarrassing himself or cheating or acting like a jerk to Youngjae just because he couldn’t manage to move on himself.

   Slowly, Jaebum managed to stand up. Youngjae tried to help him, but he shoved the other away. When he turned around, they were all looking at him, but he could barely see their faces with the tears in the way.

   “Why did we do it?” Jaebum screamed. “We shouldn’t have done it!”

   “Jaebum, calm down-.”

   “I won’t,” Jaebum wailed. “Don’t you regret it? You go on living your lives as if nothing ever happened. ‘Everything will be fine,’ I’ve heard it so many times I’ve lost count!”

   The others still only looked at him, some with shocked faces. Jackson and Mark seemed mostly upset and angry.

   Jaebum calmed down a little, leaned back against a wall and exhaled. “I wish I wasn’t here. I wish I didn’t feel anything. Ever,” he mumbled, his voice hoarse and broken.

   His cheek suddenly burned intensely, and it took him a moment to realize that Jackson had slapped him. He held his cheek and stared at Jackson with wild eyes, no idea of what to say or do.

   “After _everything_ I do for you,” Jackson growled, pointing a finger in his face. “After _everything_ , you continue to throw this shit at me. At us. You think we don’t care? We care more than you can imagine. We drag you out of your shithole to help you move on, we take care of you to help you move on, we visit your regularly to make sure you’re at least a little less lonely. You’re a selfish fuck and you know that, hyung. You want to kill yourself? Go ahead then, just know that we did everything to be by your side,” Jackson finished, still staring into his eyes, angrier than Jaebum had ever seen him.

   When Jaebum looked at the others, they looked away. He still had no idea what to say. He wanted to apologize, but he couldn’t bring himself to. It was as if something was blocked in his throat.

   “If you want to get laid,” Jackson continued, somewhat calmer. “If you want to get laid, fine. But don’t think I don’t know you. You’re only doing this in an attempt to prove to everyone else that you’re strong. It’s okay to not be, hyung. You need to realize that. Depend on us, open up to us. We want to help you, okay?”

   Jaebum dried his tears with his other arm and nodded, looking at the ground in front of him. “Sorry,” he coughed, and when Youngjae tried to touch him again, he allowed it.

   “Let me take care of you,” Youngjae whispered, pulling Jaebum closer. “You shouldn’t be by yourself tonight.”

   Jaebum couldn’t help but resume sobbing harshly, hiding his face in Youngjae’s neck as he did. “I’m sorry,” he repeated again. “I’m so sorry.”

   “Don’t worry, it’ll be fine eventually. You’ll see.”


	6. April 28th, 2015

The past few weeks had been a bit chaotic, so to speak. Chaotic in the sense that Jaebum’s life definitely didn’t follow the usual schedule; he had to cancel plans with Youngjae from time to time, stayed up late texting instead of drinking, discussed books and music with someone who actually cared, and took a walk or two in the park frequently.

   When Jinyoung had given him the little piece of paper and left, Jaebum hadn’t had a clue of what to do. He had walked home, continued looking at it, even turning it upside down as if that would give him an answer. He had wondered whether or not it was desperate to call immediately, and only managed to call after letting out a heavy sigh and shutting off his brain. Apparently it was the right choice, because Jinyoung had definitely been waiting. Jaebum had excused himself for seeming desperate, but Jinyoung just commented that it was cute.

   The park became their meeting spot. The temperature had gotten warmer, but Jinyoung still complained that Jaebum should wear something better than a leather jacket. At times like these, Jaebum couldn’t help but wonder who was really the older one. If anything, Jinyoung was like the mother he never had, and Jaebum loved the attention Jinyoung gave him. Actually, he relished in it. Even if it was just worries about Jaebum catching a cold.

   Sometime during these meetings, Jaebum started imagining things. Perhaps even early on. He couldn’t help himself as he began hoping something more would happen. He wasn’t stressed about it per se, but he also realized he didn’t want to lose his grasp of the other. If this relationship would suddenly end, he would at least want a chance to turn his imaginations into reality before that happened.

   He wouldn’t say it was easy for him to fall for someone, but it didn’t take long for his hope to turn into actual love. Feelings had sneaked up behind him, bubbled up inside of him, crept up from every corner as he laid in his bed late at night, fully awake. Something must’ve snapped, because the few hours of sleep he got that night were enough for him to realize. Perhaps it was the excessive touching, the way Jinyoung’s eye wrinkles showed when he laughed, all those deep thoughts they shared or simply all of the above and more. Nevertheless, he just knew.

   But Jaebum was too much of a chicken, so instead he beat around the bush. Jinyoung seemingly did the same thing, but Jaebum didn’t mind. He learned to appreciate a relationship that, for now, didn’t have a label on it. They could flirt mindlessly for hours without speaking the unspoken.

   Aside from the flirting, Jaebum learned quite a few things about the other, and it didn’t seem to be very different from his own life. Jinyoung worked as a waiter at a less well-known restaurant and shared a flat with a roommate named Choi Youngjae (something that secretly annoyed Jaebum, but only slightly, and he never mentioned it). Just like Jaebum with his music, Jinyoung used to dream about writing books for a living. What made him stop dreaming about it was all the people around him telling him it was impossible. Jaebum wanted to comfort him about it, but Jinyoung just insisted it was a stupid dream anyway, saying it was better to think realistically. Jaebum didn’t want to, but he couldn’t help but agree. He knew he’d never become a successful musician anyway.

   When it came to family, Jaebum tried to avoid talking about his own as much as possible. Jinyoung was special, sure, but Jaebum hadn’t even given Youngjae the details. It was the toughest subject to talk about, but that was all he needed to say for Jinyoung to understand. He had that worrying look, much like Youngjae, but he didn’t insist. Instead, he talked about his own, and Jaebum was happy to listen. Apparently Jinyoung came from a very poor family; his mother tried to support him and his two older sisters while his father did nothing.

   “I wanted to help,” Jinyoung explained as they sat on their park bench. “I wanted to help her but she refused it. She thought it shouldn’t be my job, even though I was the only male in the household who wasn’t a lazy asshole. Whenever she said that, I pointed out that she should just divorce him. But she never did.”

   “Why not?”

   Jinyoung ran a hand through his hair, thinking for a while. “He abused her,” he mumbled. “She was too afraid to do it.”

   “…I’m sorry.”

   Jinyoung smiled slightly, but it was more out of sadness than anything else. “Let’s talk about something else.”

   Since then, Jinyoung hadn’t mentioned it again, nor had Jaebum asked about it. He felt he had no right, in all honesty; Jinyoung knew none of Jaebum’s darkest secrets. He felt bad, of course, but talking about feelings and issues wasn’t his strongest point.

   That was a week ago. Today was April 28th, and they were going on their first official date.

   Jaebum was more nervous than ever. First of all, he felt like he should’ve been the one taking the initiative, for whatever reasons. Secondly, he had no idea what Jinyoung had planned – if he had even planned anything. Jinyoung didn’t seem to be a very romantic guy, but Jaebum was. Therefore, Jaebum made up his own plans. Just in case.

   Deciding on what to wear for hours, showering twice because of all the sweat and anxiously walking back and forth was all worth it in the end, because the date was perfect. The restaurant was good, the mood was cozy and the company was the absolute best. Jaebum eventually managed to calm down and sneak his hand over Jinyoung’s on the table, something he could feel good about for the rest of his life. If the rest of it went to hell, at least he managed to make some sort of move.

   “Hyung,” Jinyoung said quietly, almost whispered, looking deeply into his eyes.

   “Yes?”

   “Do you maybe… Ah, this is embarrassing,” Jinyoung sighed, but kept their hands intertwined. “You live alone, right?” he asked reluctantly, even though he knew the answer.

   Jaebum smirked. _Perfect._

 

Jinyoung had no way of transport, but it didn’t matter because Jaebum kept the second helmet with him. Plus, riding on the motorcycle together was amazing. Jinyoung wasn’t even nervous about riding one for the first time, but Jaebum wasn’t surprised. He had proven to be a pretty fearless guy at this point. All he did was hug Jaebum tightly from the backseat, resting his head on Jaebum’s back and Jaebum wasn’t sure if he was crying from the wind against his face, or pure happiness. Possibly both.

   The city around them turned into a blur as Jaebum sped up. All he could see was the road, if even that, and all he could think about was Jinyoung hugging him harder. Putting all his trust in Jaebum and enjoying this moment together, in between the date and Jaebum’s apartment. Jaebum smiled to himself, enjoyed the wind against his face and the beautiful neon lights lighting up the road in front of him. Jinyoung probably looked beautiful right now, neon pink and green shining up his face, his smile, the warmth radiating from his eyes. If only Jaebum could look back right now.

   Soon enough, they reached Jaebum’s parking lot and got off.

   “Why do you keep looking at me with that smug face?” Jinyoung asked as they walked from the parking lot.

   “You’ll see,” was all Jaebum replied.

   “Are you going to shower me in royalties?” Jinyoung teased.

   “No, but I should, since you insisted on paying for everything so far,” Jaebum teased back.

   Jinyoung snorted. “It’s okay, you can repay me sometime.”

   Jaebum wasn’t sure what Jinyoung hinted at, so he didn’t answer with anything but another smirk.

   After reaching his door, Jaebum invited Jinyoung to go in first, like the true gentleman he was. Jinyoung’s reaction to his apartment was definitely overboard, though. It was really nothing special to him, but perhaps it was to a guy who lived in a cramped space with a roommate.

   “You live a pretty good life,” Jinyoung said while trying out the sofa, looking like a little boy on Christmas Eve.

   “It’s just an apartment.”

   Jinyoung snorted. “Maybe,” he started, getting up from the sofa and walking over to where Jaebum was standing. “Maybe you should try appreciating the good things in life.”

   “I do appreciate the good things,” Jaebum answered, smiling.

   “Smooth,” Jinyoung smirked, inching closer.

   Jaebum saw where this was going, and he wanted a chance for his surprise before they went there. He simply wanted it to be the way he had planned it. “Jinyoung,” he interrupted, backing away slightly. Jinyoung seemed confused at his actions, so he hurriedly explained. “I want to give you something. Nothing bad, okay? Stay here,” he said, then left for the kitchen.

   When he came back with his hands behind his back, Jinyoung definitely looked suspicious. “What is it?” he asked, trying to see behind Jaebum’s back.

   “Look, you know I’m quite romantic, and I know you’re not, so that’s why I waited until now.”

   Jinyoung looked at him in amusement. “Did you buy me flowers?”

   Jaebum sighed heavily, because this was honestly slightly embarrassing. He didn’t say anything, just stretched out the bouquet of roses in front of him. “There.”

   Of course, Jinyoung laughed at him, but took the flowers nonetheless. “Wow,” he said, looking at them. “I was going to comment that you continue being smooth, but you really didn’t execute that well,” he chuckled.

   “That’s not how it was supposed to happen,” Jaebum mumbled.

   “They’re pretty, thank you,” Jinyoung said earnestly, and Jaebum found himself blushing for the second time in his life.

   “You’re welcome.”

   Jinyoung put aside the flowers and looked at him. “Im Jaebum,” he said quietly while inching closer, and that did something. Jaebum knew, once again, what was about to happen, and the way Jinyoung said his full name sent sparks through his body. It was quiet, sensual and almost felt slightly dangerous, as if they were doing something illegal. Never mind the loss of honorifics; Jaebum was way too busy thinking about other things.

   Jaebum really wanted to be the one in control, because he liked it that way, but Jinyoung had made it literally impossible so far. He had only felt in control once or twice, when he was the one doing the flirting, but that was way less than he really wanted.

   “Yes?” Jaebum managed to croak, backing away for no good reason. Jinyoung didn’t seem to mind this time, though. Actually, his plan was probably for Jaebum to hit the wall with his back, which is exactly what happened.

   The other still inched closer until their faces were only mere centimeters away from each other. Jaebum placed his hands securely on Jinyoung’s hips as they looked at each other without uttering a word.

   When Jinyoung slowly reached out to move Jaebum’s hair behind his ear, he couldn’t help but shiver. The touch was more gentle and intimate than ever before; Jinyoung looked at him intently as he stroked Jaebum’s temple with his thumb, other hand on his shoulder. Before this night, it had been solely flirting. Tonight, it truly meant something more.

   Jinyoung was the one who broke the silence. “We never kissed before,” he whispered. Jaebum noticed that his voice sounded shaky.

   “No, we didn’t,” he replied quietly, daring to pull Jinyoung even closer.

   “I guess we’ve been wanting to move slowly,” Jinyoung continued, moving his fingers over Jaebum’s neck.

   “Jinyoung.”

   “Yes?”

   “Kiss me,” he whispered, albeit desperately. It worked though; Jinyoung finally leaned in, but not before looking at Jaebum with a big grin on his face.

   Their lips finally connected, just like two puzzle pieces. Jaebum instantly felt calmer as he relaxed into it; tilting his head slightly as to not bump noses, going soft and slow while wrapping his arms around the other’s back. He instantly noticed several things: Firstly, Jinyoung’s lips were as soft as they looked. Secondly, he had to be somewhat fit, because his back felt strong against Jaebum’s hands. Thirdly, he was a good kisser. Gentle, just like Jinyoung often was, yet with an evident hint of desperation as well. Also, he was a bit of a noisy kisser.

   There seemed to be no room for a break. The small air they managed to recollect was between the kisses (which became increasingly more and more noisy as they lost more and more air), which turned into some queue for making things sloppier. It turned wet, filled with a mix of sighs, grunts and sloppy noises as things sped up and Jinyoung tried to move even closer.

   Jaebum was beginning to lose his cool at this point. Jinyoung was making way too sexy sounds for him to survive this making out session. He felt a need to take control over the situation, and therefore quickly spun them around so that Jinyoung was the one against the wall. Judging by the sound Jinyoung made, he was pleased with Jaebum’s decision.

    In desperate need of air, but also in desperate need of continuing, Jaebum left the other’s mouth to trail kisses over his jawline. Jinyoung responded with a grunted “oh, God” while swinging his arms around Jaebum’s neck. Things were definitely heating up, so Jaebum took the chance to do something he had wanted to do since the first time they met.

   He reached down and squeezed Jinyoung’s ass with both hands.

   Of course Jinyoung just had to respond by moaning. It didn’t do good for Jaebum’s nether regions. Neither did Jinyoung’s ass, because it fit way too perfectly in Jaebum’s hands.

   “Hyung,” Jinyoung panted, pushing at Jaebum a little to get him to stop.

   “Yeah?” Jaebum croaked, clearing his throat and looking deeply into Jinyoung’s eyes.

   “May I address the elephant in the room?” Jinyoung asked reluctantly.

   Jaebum ginned. “My dick isn’t _that_ massive.”

   Jinyoung laughed, luckily. “That was actually the elephant I wanted to address. You don’t think we’re, uh, moving too fast?”

   Jaebum shook his head. “We’re just making out.”

   “Right,” Jinyoung agreed, still panting slightly. “Right.”

   Something seemed off, so Jaebum felt he had to ask. Better clear things out as soon as possible, he reasoned. “Are you a virgin?” he asked reluctantly.

   Jinyoung’s smile indicated he wasn’t. “No, I’m not, you misunderstood. I just want you to feel good,” he explained, brushing his fingers through Jaebum’s hair.

   “I feel great,” Jaebum reassured him. “Do you?”

   Jinyoung nodded in response. “Yeah,” he added, pulling Jaebum closer again. “Now let’s continue.”

   He didn’t need to be told twice, so Jaebum quickly connected his mouth with Jinyoung’s again. The other responded eagerly; moving his hand under Jaebum’s shirt and gasping once he felt Jaebum’s stomach.

   “You… have abs?” Jinyoung managed to blurt out between the kisses.

   Jaebum chuckled, but didn’t respond. He was far too busy dragging Jinyoung to the sofa, careful as to not break the kiss. Jinyoung didn’t realize where they were until he was pinned down, Jaebum on top of him.

   “Our first time together is gonna be on the sofa?” Jinyoung asked.

   “Not if you don’t want to,” Jaebum replied, abruptly ending the kiss to work on the buttons of Jinyoung’s shirt.

   “I mean, I’ll do it pretty much anywhere,” Jinyoung replied, and if it wasn’t for the suddenly lustful tone, Jaebum would’ve noticed by the look on the other man’s face that he had completely let loose at this point. Before Jaebum could reply or do _something_ , Jinyoung was pulling at his tie.

   “ _Christ_ ,” Jaebum panted, partly because of what Jinyoung just said, partly because the tie was way too tight around his throat.

   Things definitely didn’t help when Jinyoung responded eagerly to Jaebum’s obvious desperation. He thought he’d lost it when Jinyoung suddenly licked Jaebum’s upper lip experimentally, but he barely managed to keep it together. He was still gasping for air, though.

   “I don’t think I’ve ever told you how absolutely sexy you are,” Jinyoung purred. “Your gaze, your smile, your earrings, your goddamn leather jacket… You might be the chicest person I’ve ever met.” He loosened his grip of the tie slightly to give Jaebum some chance to reply.

   “’Might be’?” he managed to say, voice dry.

   Jinyoung smirked. “Also, you’re cocky. I like that,” he said, letting go of the tie completely.

   Jaebum finally had a chance to cough and regain his breath completely. He gave Jinyoung a look, to which Jinyoung was about to reply. There had been enough of Jinyoung feeling like he had things under control, so Jaebum instantly shut him up with another kiss.

   Of course, Jinyoung responded eagerly; it was obvious how thirsty he was for this, how long he had waited. Jaebum wasn’t sure what was hotter – Jinyoung being so needy, or Jinyoung being such a power bottom.

   When Jinyoung parted his lips, Jaebum immediately took the invitation. Their tongues met for the first time and if Jaebum thought of the other as a good kisser before, this was definitely the real deal. Their tongues circled around each other in evident desperation, both trying to take control but neither of them quite succeeding. It turned sloppier and wetter by the seconds and when Jinyoung let out quite possibly the neediest and dirtiest moan ever, right in his mouth, Jaebum just needed _something_ more.

   He was about to take Jinyoung’s shirt off completely before he was stopped in his tracks, and Jinyoung was looking at him uncertaintly.

   “Everything alright?” Jaebum asked worriedly. Maybe they were moving too fast after all. Maybe Jinyoung wasn’t quite ready and Jaebum was _totally_ fine with just a movie night or whatever, but Jinyoung looked quite uneasy right now and honestly, he didn’t quite know what to do.

   “Just…,” Jinyoung sighed, “you understand. Right?”

   A very diffuse question and Jaebum had no idea where it came from, but yeah. Whatever it was, he understood. “Of course, Jinyoung. Don’t worry about it.”

   Jinyoung nodded in response, thought for a moment, then let go of Jaebum’s hand that was still grabbing onto his shirt. He received a peck on the lips that indicated he was free to continue, so he did.

   It would be a lie to say the cigarette marks on Jinyoung’s arms didn’t shock him. He thought the mother was the only victim. He was angry about it, for sure, upset to say the least and most of all he felt sorry, but Jinyoung didn’t seem like he wanted sympathy. Right now was not the best moment to turn the event into a psychological talk, so Jaebum only looked at him. Smiled slightly to indicate it was alright, because why wouldn’t it be? He had no such visible scars himself, but he pretty much knew what it was like.

   He definitely understood.

   Jaebum traced Jinyoung’s left arm with his fingers, slowly but surely moved to his collarbone and eventually down his stomach. He noticed Jinyoung was ticklish, but still kept as still as possible to appreciate the moment. And when Jaebum’s hand drifted over his body and down his pants, Jinyoung’s sudden loud moan was enough indication that they were back on track.

   “Shit,” Jinyoung exhaled, looking up at Jaebum and then down at his hand that was rubbing against the abdomen. Jaebum saw the way he wetted his lips, the frantic look in his eyes as he guided Jaebum’s hand under his boxers, and the way he shivered against the touch.

   “You’re so cold,” Jinyoung whined.

   “Or maybe you’re just very warm,” Jaebum grinned. Jinyoung was about to answer, but he suddenly elicited another moan because of what Jaebum’s hand was doing. “And very loud,” Jaebum established.

   “You love it,” Jinyoung mumbled, undoing Jaebum’s belt on his way to deliver the same pleasure.

   “Wait,” Jaebum suddenly stopped him. “Let’s continue this in bed, okay?”

   Jinyoung rolled his eyes. “You’re such a hopeless romantic.”

   “You love it,” Jaebum replied, smirking.

   Jinyoung didn’t deny it. “Are you at least rough?”

   Jaebum leaned down close to his face, looking deeply into his eyes. “If you want me to be,” he replied in the calmest, sexiest voice he could muster. Apparently it worked; Jinyoung looked as if his soul had been sucked out of him. He didn’t even receive a reply before Jinyoung was dragging him to the bedroom.

   The evening was perfect, the night that ensued was perfect. Everything felt good, almost a little too good. Nevertheless, Jaebum sincerely hoped it would stay that way.


	7. January 20th, 2016

After the party the previous week, Jaebum vowed never to get drunk again. It was an empty promise, he knew, but he had never experienced anything like what happened four days ago. Things were going overboard, he realized, and he had no idea what to do about it. How to forget. How to move on. He kept trying to solve the puzzle in his head, but it mostly felt like a constant loop.

   All he knew was that there was nothing normal about seeing your dead lover in front of you. If it ever happened again, he might just go permanently crazy. There was no apparent solution to it, so all he had to do was hope he’d never hallucinate again. Psychologist was out of the question; talking about it to anyone outside the group would result in either a lot of incoherent plot holes, or jailtime.

   Not that Jaebum didn’t deserve it.

   He was also well aware that he treated the others unfairly. They all lost a friend last year. Youngjae lost a roommate. It had been difficult for all of them, of course, but Jaebum was too caught up in his self-pity and alcoholism to show his support.

   Jackson’s slap shouldn’t have come as a surprise, but it did. It upsetted Youngjae greatly, as he confessed later, and Jackson eventually felt ashamed of what he did. He kept apologizing over and over, but it was fine, Jaebum understood the situation. He would have slapped himself too, because he needed a wakeup call. Being hit on the face seemed to be the only solution at this point.

   Then again, that didn’t stop him from continuously pitying himself and drowning his shame in more alcohol. It was absolutely pathetic how he had changed as a person. Normally he was a smart, good guy. Now he couldn't solve any of his problems, even if his life depended on it. There wasn't a logical solution to anything anymore. And perhaps saddest of all, his life didn’t depend on happiness anymore. His life depended on alcohol.

   Youngjae forced him to stay close that night as they shared a bed, but it was okay. Before everything went down the drain, he had grown close to the other; they took care of each other, protected each other, made sure everything was okay. Jaebum was his hyung, and he always felt it important to take care of the younger ones (one of the traits that made Jackson think Jaebum should’ve been the group leader). Now it was Youngjae’s turn to take care of him.

   When they lied there on the bed, close to each other, Youngjae suddenly started whispering under the blanket. He told Jaebum all sorts of things; how he had dealt with the pain, how much talking really helped, good things about Jinyoung, good things about Jaebum and eventually Jaebum couldn’t handle it anymore. Youngjae was too pure; it was a wonder he ended up in a criminal business. It was a wonder for the whole group, honestly.

   Their talk made him miss his own Youngjae. Yoo Youngjae. The one who had been his best friend for so many years, but wasn’t anymore. Everything from that part of Jaebum’s life – his innocent life – had been thrown away. The worst part was knowing that he could never get it back. He could never say anything to Youngjae and he could never go back in time to change what he did and didn’t do.

  

He hoped it would never happen, but it did. He had no idea how, because Seoul is a big city, but perhaps it was destiny working against his favor again. Yoo Youngjae was the last person he needed to see before him. Cutting those ties was permanent, even though it happened in a way that – once again – left Jaebum ashamed.

   Jaebum pretended he never saw the other and continued walking along Han River as if he was busy with his own thoughts. Of course it didn’t work. Of course Youngjae saw him. Of course he wanted to try initiating a conversation. Then again, Jaebum shouldn’t blame him.

   Through a glance to the side, Jaebum noticed Youngjae walking across the grass to get to him. When he called Jaebum’s name, he pretended not to hear. When Youngjae called a second time, it would be way too rude not to stop. So he did.

   Youngjae caught up to him. “Hey,” was all he said, slightly out of breath.

   “Hey,” Jaebum replied dryly.

   Youngjae shrugged as if to say “is that it?”. “How are you?” he tried, looking curiously at Jaebum.

   “I’m fine, thanks,” Jaebum lied. “And you?”

   “Well, man, I don’t know,” Youngjae replied a bit too honestly. “I’m good, I guess. Still a bit mad, you know, but well…,” he trailed off.

   Jaebum only sighed in response.

   “Aren’t you supposed to walk by the Han River together with your loved one?” Youngjae suddenly taunted. He had no idea. No idea about anything that had happened after Jaebum fell in love and forgot all about his best friend.

   “Jinyoung’s busy,” Jaebum lied again, as if it was nothing.

   “With?” Youngjae persisted.

   “He has work.”

   Youngjae nodded slightly. “So you didn’t break up? Because you seem more depressed than usual.”

   Jaebum sighed a second time, fairly irritated at this point. “What exactly do you want, Youngjae?” he sneered.

   “Hey,” Youngjae said, equally annoyed. “You don’t get to be mad at me. If you even remember what happened? Perhaps you’ve completely forgotten about me, who knows.”

   “Look,” Jaebum said impatiently. “I’m ready to try and be a better person, okay? But you’re testing my limits so hard right now. I understand, I really do, but I can’t deal with this. You need to back off.”

   Youngjae rolled his eyes. “You don’t understand shit, honestly,” he said. Jaebum started walking again. “Hey, dude,” Youngjae called after him, quickly catching up. “Can you listen to me for _once_ in your fucking life?”

   Jaebum didn’t answer.

   “Hey!” Youngjae repeated, pushing him. Jaebum tumbled slightly, stopping in his path and turning around to look at Youngjae.

   “Go on then,” he said as calmly as he could muster.

   “I want to say everything I ever wanted to say, and this time I want you to listen closely,” Youngjae demanded, piercing through Jaebum’s eyes with his gaze. “Falling in love is a pretty cool thing, isn’t it? What you and so many others don’t realize, though, is that _love_ isn’t for sure. Friendships, however, are. Ours should’ve been, at least. But then you felt some reason to go and shit all over that – everything we built up for all those years. I just don’t understand you. It’s nothing like you at all.”

   “Maybe you never really knew me then,” Jaebum muttered.

   “You think I don’t know you?” Youngjae mocked. “ _I_ don’t know you? You can’t fool me with that perfect, stern asshole face of yours – I know the way you think. I know the way you feel. I see that something’s wrong, and I know it’s something you don’t want me to know about. Don’t think of me as just another dude. I was your best friend. _That_ means something!”

   Jaebum didn’t know what to answer, so he kept quiet.

   “Now, you said you’re trying to be a better person, so prove it. Say exactly what I want to hear you say, and say it like you mean it. I want you to mean it.”

   They stared at each other for what felt like an eternity, but Jaebum eventually gave in. “I’m sorry,” he confessed, looking at Youngjae softly now. “I mean it. This hurts for me too, you know. I have fucked up in more ways than you know, and I wish things were different. But this is the way it is right now, and I have to live with that.”

   Youngjae shook his head. “You don’t. I haven’t always been the best of friends, but I want you to know I care and always will,” he said. “There’s always help to get.”

   “Youngjae,” Jaebum started, “if you really know me, you’ll understand this eventually: It’s too late for me to seek help.”

   Youngjae looked at him in confusion. “Why?”

   “I can’t say anything more,” Jaebum answered. “I miss you too, I really do, but this is how it has to be right now. Next time we meet, maybe things will be better. But I can’t right now. I’m sorry.”

   The other seemed to be thinking about this for a moment, but eventually nodded. “Okay. I’ll accept that,” he mumbled. “Take care of Jinyoung, then. And take care of yourself most of all.”

   Jaebum smiled, disheartened. “I will. You too.”


	8. June 8th, 2015

Things didn’t stay perfect for very long. Hoping was useless, Jaebum realized, because Jinyoung had been lying the entire time.

   He remembered Jinyoung say that he worked at a restaurant. He specifically remembered the name. He had gone through that moment several times just to make sure, and he was. He had not heard anything wrong. Jinyoung proved it to him without knowing. When he visited after “work”, Jaebum couldn’t help but ask if he had a good day. “It was okay,” Jinyoung answered, giving a lengthy answer of how the boss was annoying, how some customers were blatantly rude, how he had accidentally dropped two plates on the floor. It sounded so believable Jaebum almost doubted himself.

   Almost.

   Jaebum had gone there himself, on a day off. He wanted to see Jinyoung’s workplace for himself, since Jinyoung had seen his. He wanted to know what it was like. What Jinyoung looked like in an apron. So many things he tried to refuse thinking about now.

   When there was no sight of Jinyoung there, he waited a bit. A bit turned into forty-five minutes, and still no sight of the other. Perhaps he had a day off after all, Jaebum thought. Maybe he had the dates mixed up. Maybe he was sick. Still, something compelled Jaebum to get up and ask the cashier. After those forty-five minutes, excitement turned into creeping, anxious doubt and something didn’t feel right. He needed to know.

   “Park Jinyoung?” she asked, looking at him confusedly. “No one with that name works here, sorry. Maybe you should check the café across the street?” she offered apologetically.

   “Thanks, I’ll do that,” Jaebum muttered, opening the door a bit too hard as he stormed out.

   He considered different possibilities, but all he could think of was that Jinyoung was cheating. He knew no other reasonable opportunity. Why he’d lie about work just to run off and fuck someone else, Jaebum didn’t know, but cheaters had their so-called reasons and Jaebum didn’t know what else to think.

   Jaebum chickened out a few too many times already. He tried to act like normal, which mostly worked, and if Jinyoung asked if something was wrong he just drew the “tired” card.

   However, today was the day. He never expected that he’d have to do this, but this was it. He was doing it.

   Jinyoung knocked on his door, as he so often did after “work”, and always walked in without waiting for Jaebum to open. Jaebum was sitting on a kitchen chair, looking out the window absentmindedly, hoping to God Jinyoung had a good explanation to his lies. Hoping it was all in his head. Perhaps the cashier had hit her head. _Whatever._

   “Hey, sexy,” Jinyoung smirked when he entered the kitchen. “How was your day?” he asked, stroking Jaebum’s hair. He tended to do that. Of course he had to do it now.

   Jaebum felt instantly weak. He always felt weak around Jinyoung, in an unhealthy way. Perhaps this was for the better then, he argued. But it was hard to initiate _the_ _conversation_. Jinyoung just seemed so… innocent. Not like the kind of guy who fucks his boyfriend over. Which definitely wasn’t an excuse, Jaebum reminded himself.

   “Jaebum? You okay?” Jinyoung asked worriedly, tilting Jaebum’s chin up to look back at him.

   “Don’t touch me,” Jaebum mumbled, almost so low Jinyoung wouldn’t be able to hear it. His touch was gentler than he had planned when he moved Jinyoung’s hand away, and he internally swore at himself because of it.

   Jinyoung was definitely worried now. “What? Why not?”

   Jaebum stood up so that he could create some distance between the two of them. His anger was building up now, and he felt he was ready to face his fears. “Because I don’t want you to,” he answered sternly.

   “Okay?” Jinyoung replied, slightly frantic at this point. “Care to explain further?”

   Sighing, Jaebum leaned against the table and crossed his arms to create some sort of shelter and sign of defiance. “You don’t work at a restaurant.”

   Jinyoung was panting in pure panic, Jaebum could tell, but he still refused to be honest. “What?” was all he let out.

   “If you don’t want to admit it, then get out already,” Jaebum said as strongly as he could manage. His voice broke slightly, he realized, but he couldn’t, shouldn’t, focus on that right now.

   “Admit _what?_ ” Jinyoung questioned, trying to reach out to take Jaebum’s hand.

   Jaebum immediately flinched. “I said _don’t touch me_ ,” he seethed. “Stop asking me questions and start explaining! Who are you fucking, hm?” he shouted, staring at Jinyoung angrily, sadly, and with all the other emotions he felt. They were too many to handle right now.

   It was hard to see Jinyoung spill tears. It was so hard he did it himself, and Jaebum usually didn’t cry when angry. He wasn’t much of a crying guy in general, but this hurt. It hurt more than anything else. However he had managed to fall so deeply in love with the guy in front of him in a few weeks, it was clearly a mistake.

   “I haven’t been with anyone else,” Jinyoung insisted. “Please, hyung,” he pleaded, trying to move closer.

   Jaebum backed away.

   “I would never do that. You’re the only one I care about,” Jinyoung continued desperately. “Please believe me.”

   “Then what did you do?” Jaebum shouted. “You did something! I went there myself, I waited for you, I asked the cashier if you worked there. You’re doing something behind my back, so just say what it is!”

   “I wanted to tell you, okay?” Jinyoung replied, quiet tears streaming down his cheeks. “Eventually. I just didn’t know how to.”

   “Just fucking _tell me_ , Jinyoung. What is it?”

   “Can we sit down, please?”

   “No,” Jaebum growled. “Say it.”

   “Just promise not to run away,” Jinyoung sighed, trying to calm down. “I’ll tell you.”

   Jaebum waited for it impatiently, bracing himself for whatever Jinyoung was about to say. He knew it’d be bad.

   Jinyoung took a deeper sigh. “I’m a criminal.”

   It was definitely far from what Jaebum expected. He knew Jinyoung was a powerful guy, in that sense. He had that sort of personality. Confident, intelligent, persuasive. It did make some sense, but it was still surprising. Jinyoung was also sweet, caring, sometimes innocent and nothing like what a criminal would be. Then again, he didn’t know what exactly Jinyoung did.

   “Meaning?”

   Jinyoung looked relieved, probably because Jaebum hadn’t left or thrown him out yet. Which was, in itself, another weird thing. “I’m a robber,” Jinyoung whispered, suddenly afraid of anyone listening in. “I rob banks,” he explained further. “My roommate’s in on it. We’re a group of six people. It’s, you know, what we get by on.”

   Jaebum looked at him for a second, perhaps more than that, then ultimately sighed heavily. He didn’t know what to do, what to say to that, how to act. “So you don’t need to work,” he stated, feeling dumb but also confused.

   “No,” Jinyoung replied. “I wanted to tell you.”

   Everything was clicking into place in Jaebum’s head. He somehow instantly thought of their first meeting. He never found out why Jinyoung bought so much alcohol. He said he wanted it to be expensive. Jaebum didn’t need to ask now; he knew what it was about.

   And Jinyoung’s obsession with money.

   He didn’t know what to say.

   “To be clear, this is the only thing I’ve lied about,” Jinyoung added. “I love you so much it’s ridiculous. I don’t want to fuck this up because I _care_ about you, okay?”

   “You should’ve told me earlier,” Jaebum mumbled, looking at the floor.

   “And scare you off? I liked you too much from the beginning.”

   Jaebum grew irritated again. “You know, don’t you? You know exactly what you’re doing. Telling me now makes it harder for me to leave you.”

   “Do you think I’m _manipulating you_?” Jinyoung questioned, evidently hurt. “I expected you to leave me no matter what, no matter when I told you. Why would you want to be with someone like me, after all? I’m not exactly the type to provide you with a happy family with four children.”

   Jaebum sighed. “To be fair, I don’t understand why you’d want to be with me either. I’m a complete train-wreck. I’m an alcoholic who does nothing but work,” he said, still looking at the floor.

   “You’re perfect,” Jinyoung objected. “Which is why I don’t want to ruin you.”

   “I’m far from perfect, you know that,” he mumbled.

   “Well, neither am I. I mean, look at me,” Jinyoung said, stretching out his arms. Jaebum looked at him. “I don’t know why I’m like this. This is the only solution I’ve ever had for dealing with all the issues I have. All the anger, the neglect and abuse,” he choked, looking out the window instead. “You know what it’s like, your parents never gave a shit,” he added, trying his best to calm down. “ _This_ works for me. I know it’s morally wrong and I know I should’ve probably gone to a psychologist like everyone else. But that’s nothing, _nothing_ , compared to how this feels. I finally get to live.”

   “Jinyoung- “

   “I really… I think I just need someone to protect me,” Jinyoung finished, drying his tears hastily.

   “I want to protect you,” Jaebum replied honestly.

   After a moment of thinking, Jinyoung moved closer again, stretching out a hand. “Jaebum hyung, take my hand. I’m not trying to create a pact or… whatever. I just want you to trust me.”

   Jaebum looked at Jinyoung’ hand in front of him, then at Jinyoung. He had to assess the current situation and his options for a second. Jinyoung might not say it, but allowing him to get close again simply meant Jaebum accepted it all. The scariest part was that he felt ready to do it, just like that. As he said, he was a pathetic alcoholic. Jinyoung was the only thing he lived for. The only person he cared for, and he wanted to protect him. He’d rather be with Jinyoung than not; he knew what his life before Jinyoung amounted to. Nothing.

   “You have no idea what you do to me,” Jaebum mumbled. “I barely know myself,” he sighed, taking Jinyoung’s hand. “And I have no idea what I’m doing right now, or ever.”

   “I guess I don’t know, but I want to be there for you,” Jinyoung explained, stroking Jaebum’s hand with his own. “First and foremost you’re my boyfriend, and I’m yours. You have no idea what you do to me either.”

   Within a second or two, the thought of Jinyoung manipulating him entered his thoughts again. He just accepted Jinyoung’s love, just like that, as if these news were nothing. But just as quickly, it brushed past him.

   “I probably don’t,” he answered.

   Jinyoung dared to wrap his arms around Jaebum’s neck, but it was okay. “You do whatever you want with all this information. I want to ask you not to tell anyone, but you’ll probably do whatever you want,” he said sadly.

   In return, Jaebum wrapped his arms around Jinyoung’s lower back. “I won’t tell anyone,” he reassured, even though it felt slightly wrong. “I’m going to be brutally honest, and I feel so bad for saying this,” he started, sighing.

   “What?”

   “I’ll follow you anywhere,” Jaebum said. “Being a criminal isn’t right, no, but I’m not the person who cares.”

   “So?” Jinyoung asked, unsure of where this was going.

   “I want to meet your friends,” Jaebum explained. “I want to know what kind of life you live, one hundred percent. I want you to give me the details.”

   “Hyung, I’m not encouraging you to-.”

   “I know,” Jaebum interrupted. “As I’ve already said, I have no idea what I’m doing, because I do nothing. You’ve given me a life and a purpose, and I mean it when I say I want to protect you. I can’t do that from the TV sofa.”

   “Are you saying you’re considering joining?” Jinyoung asked, uncertain.

   “I guess I am,” Jaebum replied.

   Jinyoung was silent for a second. “Is this about your mother?” he asked suddenly. “Your family situation? Where is all this coming from? You’ve never seemed like that type of guy.”

   “I grew up without a father and with a constantly drunk, negligent mother. What can I say? It doesn’t give you a very good view of life.”

   “No, it doesn’t,” Jinyoung answered silently. “I know what you mean.”

   “And I love you,” Jaebum added, looking at Jinyoung. “A bit too much. I’m crazy about you,” he said, stroking Jinyoung’s cheek.

   Jinyoung nodded, smiling slightly. “I love you too, just as much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm glad so many of you - both on asianfanfics and archiveofourown - are enjoying this so far!! I'm growing increasingly more and more satisfied with this work so I really appreciate all the kind words etc. :)   
> Things are building up now, both for past and present Jaebum so I'm excited to share the rest of it!! 13 chapters to go!


	9. January 26th, 2016

Jaebum had never visited Jackson and Mark’s place before. Weird, considering how close they were. Jackson was always the one banging on his door, but never the opposite. He had been invited several times, but always ignored it.

   Today, he wasn’t going to ignore it.

   It was weird to think about, but the past one and a half weeks seemed to have done at least _something_. He was still the same – painfully much so – but he at least left the house more often. He didn’t ignore those times his phone was spammed with text messages, and he tried to smile more (per Jackson’s request.) Perhaps one could see it as going through some sort of painfully slow change. Jaebum had a lot to work on, but he was done with acting selfish. He wanted to do more for those around him.

   Jackson opened the door before Jaebum could even knock. He was instantly met with squealing in various tones and Mark telling Jackson to shut up before being pulled inside, door shut behind him.

   “You’re going to make him leave already,” Mark sighed, locking the door behind them. Either Jackson’s paranoia had worn off on Mark, or the other way around. Jaebum shouldn’t see it as a bad thing, but they were both really upside down sometimes. Partying was fine, but locking the door and closing the blinds were a must.

   “Nah, he loves me,” Jackson grinned, pulling in Jaebum for a hug.

   Jaebum sighed. “The others aren’t here yet?” he asked Mark.

   “Nope,” Mark replied, putting an arm around Jaebum’s shoulders when Jackson had finally released him. Whatever was with the excessive touching, Jaebum had no idea.

   “So I’m left alone with you two,” Jaebum noted, trying to get Mark to release him, but Mark didn’t want to budge.

   “That’s right,” Jackson beamed, ruffling Jaebum’s hair before disappearing into another room and Jaebum really wanted to smack him.

   “Is this a part of your whole threesome agenda?”

   “Are you asking because you’re interested?” Mark teased, leading Jaebum into the kitchen where Jackson was and finally letting go.

   Jaebum felt done with all of this already. “Jackson, where’s the alcohol?” he asked.

   “Oh, right,” Jackson mumbled, giving Mark an uncertain look. Mark simply shook his head in response.

   “What?” Jaebum asked, watching the two seemingly have a conversation without him.

   Jackson seemed unsure of what to say, so Mark helped. “We’re not going to drink alcohol tonight.”

   “Why not?”

   “ _Well_ ,” Mark started, as if the answer was obvious. “You’re an alcoholic.”

   Jaebum didn’t know what else to do but raise his eyebrow in question. “And?”

   “And,” Jackson tried, “we just don’t think we should support that… side of yours,” he mumbled, looking at Jaebum apologetically. This was obviously Mark’s idea, and Jackson probably had no issue with it.

   Jaebum was about to reply, but Mark interrupted him. “Jinyoung once said you drank heavily even before you guys met.”

   Mark had an annoying habit of saying whatever was on his mind, something that didn’t quite match his habit of not talking very often. Whenever he talked, it was usually something smart, and Jaebum often hated that. Mark was always right, pretty much, and sometimes there was no way of coming up with a good retort.

   “Doesn’t matter what Jinyoung said,” Jaebum muttered.

   “Let’s not end up there already,” Jackson objected, holding his hands up as if to signalize a truce. “You just got here.”

   “I’m not forcing you to drink, so you shouldn’t force me not to,” Jaebum argued.

   “Look, all we’re saying is this: Let’s have a nice, comfy evening together without alcohol. We can do that, right?” Mark asked.

   Jaebum looked at Mark, who was looking at him with a stern look, then at Jackson who was practically giving him the puppy eyes. “Okay,” he sighed. “Whatever.”

   Jackson went straight back to chopping up vegetables, smiling contently.

   “Let’s not turn this into another therapy session, though,” Jaebum added, sitting down on a kitchen chair. “I’m done with that.”

   “No, no,” Jackson insisted. “We won’t. For once, hyung,” he said, turning to Jaebum again, “we want to do shit together without it getting messy in one way or another. I know that’s what you want too.”

   What Jackson said came as a slight surprise, so Jaebum simply nodded. It was nice to know that they were finally on the same page. Jaebum had always wanted that, for the better or worse, but it was never how things went.

   “You have a nice house,” Jaebum said instead, even though he had only seen parts of it. “I never quite understood why you two are still so simple even though you’ve got the money, but maybe that’s just me.”

   “Well, you ought to see Bambam’s house then,” Jackson replied.

   “Something tells me I don’t want to,” Jaebum chuckled. Bambam was obsessed with a luxurious lifestyle. Jaebum would probably look awkward in that house of his.

   Jackson resumed his cooking while Mark helped with what he could. Jaebum watched them in silence from the kitchen table. Jackson was too into the cooking to care about anything, which Mark saw as the perfect opportunity to intervene. It seemed completely natural when they flirted with each other in front of Jaebum, as if he wasn’t even there. Jaebum didn’t mind; for once it was entertaining. And calming, for whatever reason. Mark slapped Jackson’s butt and Jaebum couldn’t help but laugh. He wrapped his arms around Jackson’s torso, and Jaebum couldn’t help but smile. It reminded him of Jinyoung, of course, but he wasn’t actually bitter about it. All he could remember this time was happy memories.

   “Stop being a complete asshole, _Mark,”_ Jackson said in English, kicking at the other while holding a cucumber in his hand. Mark laughed loudly, exclaiming something in Chinese as a response.

   “Did you guys completely forget that I’m here?” Jaebum said amusedly.

   “I didn’t, but Mark obviously did,” Jackson said, giving the other a playful glance. Mark gave in and sat down next to Jaebum instead.

   Jaebum wasn’t sure if he should say it, but he did anyway. “Jinyoung always did the same thing to me when I cooked.”

   They were both obviously surprised at Jaebum first of all initiating a conversation about Jinyoung, and secondly doing it so calmly. He realized it was unusual; he was surprised himself, but it didn’t really mean anything. Jackson said they should go on as normal today. That didn’t mean excluding Jinyoung.

   “He couldn’t cook for shit,” Jaebum continued, and Mark chuckled. “He always made me do it, but then he’d just bother me instead.”

   “Maybe that’s why he and Mark got along so well,” Jackson snorted. “I think they gave each other some pretty annoying tips.”

   Jaebum looked at Mark. “Really?”

   Mark shrugged. “Jinyoung told me how fun it was to make you mad, so I figured I should do the same.”

   Jaebum chuckled. “He never made me _mad_ ,” he said, looking at his hands.

   “Yeah, well, he added that part later,” Mark grinned. “He said something along the lines of ‘he looks so good in an apron, so I couldn’t help myself’-.”

   Mark was interrupted by Jaebum smacking him on the arm. “He told you too much,” he muttered, remembering how Jinyoung always swooned over Jaebum whenever he cooked.

   Jackson was laughing wildly, of course.

   “Also,” Mark continued, “he mentioned that you once were so startled by him slapping your butt that you dropped a tomato, slipped and landed right on it.”

   Jaebum had somehow managed to suppress that memory (probably because it was so embarrassing), but it came back to him like it happened yesterday. He wasn’t sure what was funnier – what Mark just mentioned, or Jackson looking like he was about to pee himself. Either way, Jaebum laughed harder than he had in months.

   “I was fine not remembering that,” Jaebum said after he had calmed down.

   “At least you’re laughing,” Jackson smiled, tickling Jaebum’s chin.

   Jaebum swatted his hand away. Mark rolled his eyes and stood up. “I’ll go clean up the living room,” he said, nudging Jaebum in the shoulder before leaving the two alone.

   Jackson took Mark’s chair and sat down next to Jaebum. “You seem happier today after all,” he admitted, looking at Jaebum curiously.

   “We said no therapy session,” Jaebum reminded him.

   “Right, I know,” Jackson replied, taking Jaebum’s hand in his. “It just makes me happy to see you happy.”

   Things got a bit too serious for Jaebum to handle. He appreciated Jackson’s continuous effort, he really did. It worked too, sometimes. But generally, it was easier to talk whenever Jinyoung wasn’t mentioned. Easier to deal with.

   “I’m trying,” Jaebum admitted, looking at Jackson.

   “But it doesn’t feel like enough,” Jackson added, casually reading his thoughts.

   Jaebum nodded in response.

   “I’ll end this conversation soon enough. I just think we have a good basis for this talk right now,” Jackson explained, deep in thought. “On a scale of one to ten where ten is great, how good do you feel? Generally.”

   Jaebum thought for a short moment. “Probably two.”

   Jackson smiled. “Two means progress. You’ll get there.”

   “But when?”

   “It takes time, hyung,” Jackson said. “We knew him longer, but you knew him better than anyone else had ever known him. It’ll never be fine, not for anyone of us, but eventually you’ll be able to look at things from a more positive perspective and realize that life goes on.”

   Jaebum nodded, but it felt hopeless. He said that too.

   Jackson was quiet for a moment, thinking hard again. He rubbed Jaebum’s hand slightly. “I thought I shouldn’t mention this again, but… We’re still planning, y’know, the score. Your spot is still available.”

   Jaebum looked at him, unsure of what to say. He had thought about it himself, but he didn’t want to be the one to mention it. After all, he still wasn’t sure if he really wanted to join.

   “I’m not a psychologist or anything, but…,” Jackson started, sighing. “Maybe it’ll help you in some way. Make it easier to move on, you know. Going through that event again and realizing by the end of it that ‘hey, I’m fine after all.’ It’s risky business of course, and I understand your reasoning. I just want you to understand how I see it.”

   The front door suddenly opened, and Jaebum could hear Yugyeom laughing wildly before announcing that they had arrived.

   “I told them not to bring alcohol,” Jackson mumbled, studying Jaebum’s face.

   Jaebum snorted. “I figured,” he said, standing up. “And I’ll think about the offer. Who knows, maybe you’re right.”


	10. August 10th, 2015

Jaebum felt increasingly more and more nervous over what he was getting himself into. At the same time, Jinyoung by his side made him feel calmer. It’s just that things in his life were becoming increasingly adventurous. In the end, though, he didn’t complain. It’s what he wanted, after all, but not quite the way he expected it.

   Jinyoung had obviously lied about several things, left out some details here and there and spoke some truths here and there. It seemed foolish to forgive him, but Jaebum wasn’t known for making great decisions.

   The past weeks were spent processing the thought of what had happened, what was happening, what was about to happen. Jaebum didn’t stay chocked for very long, but the whole idea of staying instead of going indicated a few changes in his life as well as their relationship. Jinyoung, on the other hand, was like normal. And perhaps a bit hornier than usual.

_“You know what?” he whispered into Jaebum’s ear as they cuddled up close together in bed._

_“What?” Jaebum sighed absentmindedly, close to falling asleep._

_Jinyoung suddenly licking and biting on his earlobe almost woke him completely. “We’d be like Bonnie and Clyde.”_

_Jaebum snorted, turning to look at Jinyoung. “Romantic.”_

_“Not really, but sexy,” Jinyoung replied, giving him pecks on the lips while looking into his eyes, and Jaebum knew what that look meant._

_“You should calm down a little,” Jaebum grunted, but nevertheless parted his lips to answer the kiss._

_Jinyoung pulled Jaebum over him and wrapped his arms around his torso. “Imagine the things we could do,” he groaned into Jaebum’s mouth._

_Jaebum pulled away from the kiss and looked at his boyfriend endearingly. “You’re sexy when you get all power hungry.”_

_“Well,” Jinyoung smirked as he ran a hand down Jaebum’s stomach, “right now I’m hungrier for something else.”_

_“It’s been five minutes since last time,” Jaebum pointed out._

_“Exactly.”_

   Jaebum definitely didn’t complain, but all the criminal business had just been empty talk so far. Today, however, things were happening. Just like Jinyoung had promised, he’d get to meet the others in the group.

   This meeting was apparently more serious than Jaebum had anticipated, or Jinyoung just showed off his extremely paranoid side (Jaebum expected to see more of that side from now on). He had suggested taking the motorcycle, because “it” was apparently “far” away, but Jinyoung insisted they take the public transport. So there they were, 10 a.m. on a local bus and Jaebum was really just way too tired and nervous to deal with all the people.

   Jinyoung said nothing during the whole trip, not even when they arrived at their stop. He simply dragged Jaebum along with him, held his hand tightly and walked with firm steps as Jaebum trailed after.

   When Jaebum looked around, he realized he had no idea where they were. It seemed to be on the outskirts of Seoul, because he could still see the skyscrapes when he looked behind.

   “Jinyoung,” Jaebum said after a prolonged silence. “Can you slow down just a little?”

   Jinyoung sighed in front of him, but obeyed. “Sorry,” he muttered, looking at Jaebum. “I feel a bit weird about this.”

   “Why?”

   “Well, I’m officially dragging you into, you know,” he said, looking around him, “nasty business.” It sounded more cute and innocent than anything else when he called it “nasty business” but Jaebum decided to say nothing about it.

   “I’m just meeting your people.”

   Jinyoung sighed, so Jaebum let go of his hand and wrapped his arm around Jinyoung’s waist instead. “I know,” Jinyoung said.

   “Shouldn’t you be excited about this or something?”

   “That’s mostly when I’m horny,” Jinyoung mumbled.

   “Right, so pretty much always.”

   Jinyoung rolled his eyes and chose not to answer. “Let’s just go.”

 

After walking for a while, they reached a secluded apartment complex that looked pretty much empty. Jinyoung was back to being quiet; instead he looked around as discretely as possible as to be sure no one saw what they were doing. Jaebum looked around too, but no one was within the vicinity. How a place just outside of the city could be so empty, he had no idea. The apartment complex seemed quite rotten, though. Perhaps that was the explanation.

   Jaebum followed the other to one of the basement doors that looked just as bad as the rest of the building. He watched Jinyoung unlock it with a key.

   “Okay, this is it,” Jinyoung said, looking at Jaebum. “If I were you, I would’ve broken up with me, but alas, here we are,” he mumbled mostly to himself, then opened the door.

   The basement was, of course, pitch black, but Jinyoung easily led him down a hallway without turning the lights on. Jaebum heard him unlock another door, and felt a warm wind against his face as he was pulled inside a lit-up hallway.

   Jinyoung sighed as he closed the door behind them and locked it, then looked at Jaebum once more. He was about to say something, but someone suddenly appeared from the other room. A blonde guy who looked a bit too excited for Jaebum to handle.

   “Woah,” the guy said in amazement, as if Jaebum was some sort of celebrity. “The man of the hour!” he exclaimed, looking at Jinyoung. “What took you so long?”

   Jinyoung shrugged instead of answering verbally.

   They greeted each other formally instead. “Im Jaebum,” Jaebum said after the other one announced himself as Jackson Wang.

   “I know, man, Jinyoung told me all about you,” he answered, motioning to follow Jaebum into the room. Jaebum mostly wanted to go the other way – for so many reasons – but nevertheless went after Jackson.

   He was met by four other people sitting around a table, all looking more or less interested in who “Im Jaebum” was. Jinyoung hadn’t mentioned they knew he was coming today, but he expected it anyway. What he didn’t expect was the attention.

   Jaebum greeted everyone while Jackson squealed behind him. Someone called Mark Tuan kept telling him to shut his mouth, but Jackson obviously wasn’t having it. In the middle of the chaos Jaebum managed to snap up which one of them was Jinyoung’s roommate Youngjae, that Bambam was from Thailand, Yugyeom was the youngest and Mark was a Taiwanese-American who had somehow ended up in a basement outside of Seoul.

   “Jinyoungie,” Jackson said, and Jaebum instantly noticed that his personal nickname wasn’t very personal. Of course it was a blow to the face to meet people Jinyoung hung out with. So far, they had always been alone. “You didn’t say your boyfriend was so good-looking!”

   Jinyoung laughed awkwardly in response. “Jackson’s the leader,” he said to Jaebum. “I know, it’s weird.”

   Jaebum smiled at Jackson, who kept looking at him, and yeah, it was definitely weird.

   “Jinyoung said you were born in January 1994 and that I need to call you hyung, which I don’t really understand because-.”

   “He’s Chinese, by the way. Jackson, you honestly have no manners,” Jinyoung sighed, pulling Jaebum closer as if this was some dangerous, unwanted situation. Jaebum said it was fine, so they sat down together around the table.

   “Alright,” Jackson started, clapping his hands together. “As Jinyoung said, I’m the leader here. I see to it that shit gets done, if you know what I mean, but in the end we’re all just good friends. Before we get to know each other, I need to ask something. Jinyoung said we can trust you. Can we do that?”

   “Yes,” Jaebum replied seriously.

“Whatever is said in here doesn’t leave the room. If you have any questions, you ought to ask them here. Don’t mention anything about this at any other time, unless you're completely sure it's completely safe to do so. It’s basically the elephant in the room you don't talk about.”

   “Right.”

   “We can get into the whole ‘getting to know each other’ bit later. Right now we’re all meeting up to discuss September. Jinyoung mentioned you’re interested, so we’ve waited until now.”

   “Shouldn’t we, you know, get acquainted first?” Bambam interrupted.

   Jackson sighed impatiently. “This is Jinyoung’s boyfriend, not some random hobo we found on the street.”

   “In my defense, that hobo seemed perfectly capable of doing a good job,” Yugyeom said and wow, that sounded like a story Jaebum didn’t want to ask about. Or perhaps he did.

   “Anyway,” Mark said as he returned with a map. Jaebum didn’t even notice him leave. “This is it,” he said, spreading it out over the table. It seemed to be a map of the interior of a building.

   They all looked at it for a bit, so Jaebum tried to fit in by seeming deep in thought.

   “This will be difficult, honestly,” Jinyoung said after a moment of silence. “There are too many entries for the police.”

   “We can work around that, Youngjae’s got the materials,” Jackson said. “And the contacts.”

   “Well, so do the police,” Jinyoung argued.

   “As you know, Jinyoung, they won’t simply storm the place while we’re pointing guns in people’s faces.”

   Jinyoung sighed. “I’m just saying it’s risky. Then again, when is it not?”

   “Stop complaining, you like the adventure,” Jackson replied.

   Jaebum understood these people had known each other for quite some time. He did feel left out, but tried his best to ignore it. Generally, there was a lot to focus on anyway. Jackson kept throwing information at him, and Jinyoung seemed nervous about it. He asked once if Jaebum was okay. It was all very new to him, sure, but Jaebum wasn’t exactly put off by the whole idea of doing this stuff. It felt increasingly more and more natural to sit there and casually discuss a bank robbery. That should scare him, he knew, but it didn’t.

   “This is how it is,” Jackson continued, turning to Jaebum this time. “There’s a reason why we’d prefer an extra person on the team, of course. This bank is one of the biggest ones. There’s gonna be a lot of civilians in there, so we need extra crowd control.”

   “I suppose I’d be a part of said crowd control?” Jaebum finally spoke up.

   “That’s right,” Jackson affirmed. “Along with me and Bambam, but I need to go help the demolition with the money eventually. Yugyeom drives the van, Youngjae stays behind in the van to speak to us through the radio if there are any issues with the material. He’s basically our little gun and dynamite expert.”

   Jaebum looked at Youngjae who did a V sign in response. Definitely didn’t look like your typical gun expert.

   “Mark stays behind too, in the passenger seat. He’s our professional hacker,” Jackson continued. “And Jinyoung,” he said, looking at said person. Jaebum did the same. “Jinyoung blows shit up.”

   Jinyoung rolled his eyes at the dramatic pause. “’Demolition’ sounds nicer. And I usually don’t deal with explosives.”

   “You’re the demolition?” Jaebum asked in disbelief and with one hundred percent worry.

   Jinyoung looked at him. “Well, I mostly deal with thermite. Burns through the security gates. Youngjae hands me the material.”

   Jaebum turned to Youngjae again. “Then why don’t you do that part yourself?”

   “I stay behind to keep track of everything that’s happening. Mark is too busy keeping track of the hacker system, Yugyeom is too busy focusing on getting out of there, slash bailing, depending on the circumstances. Also, I’d rather not go near the stuff during usage.”

   Jaebum raised an eyebrow. “Sorry to say it, but isn’t that a pretty weird mindset in this situation?”

   “It’s okay,” Youngjae said, smiling. He looked like a living sunbeam, it was honestly confusing Jaebum so much. “Bambam is the one you should worry about, though. He loves pointing guns in people’s faces.”

   “Jesus, Youngjae, I’m not that bad,” Bambam complained. “At least I’m not a constant nerve wreck like Yugyeom.”

   “At least I have a driver’s license,” Yugyeom retorted.

   “Obviously,” Jackson said loudly to make everyone keep quiet, ”this group has its flaws. But we survived this far!”

 

The meeting didn’t go on for too long; Jackson wanted to give him time to think about the offer before discussing things further. Jaebum didn’t need to think about joining per se. The details bothered him, though.

   “I suppose you’ve done this many times?” he asked Jinyoung as they walked to the bus station.

   “Only a few times,” Jinyoung replied. “This doesn’t happen often. But I know what I’m doing,” he reassured him, giving Jaebum a pat on the back. “I’m more worried about you.”

   “Crowd control isn’t exactly the same, I would guess,” Jaebum mumbled.

   “Civilians can try all sorts of crazy shit, but that’s not what I’m talking about,” Jinyoung said, stopping Jaebum to look at him. “You have to be ready for this mentally. You need to know what all of this means. I know you’re… not okay. We both know it, but when you go in there you can’t let your demons get in the way.”

   Jaebum shrugged. “Maybe this is a way of taming them.”

   “Well, I’m not a psychologist, but it worked for me,” Jinyoung responded.

   “Then let’s do it,” Jaebum said confidently.

   Jinyoung chuckled. “We’re pretty fucked up, aren’t we?”

   “We are,” Jaebum agreed.

   “But we don’t care either.”

   “No. We don’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit is going down in the next update so stay tuned for that! Also, you can always talk to me about the fic or something else on my tumblr - gippeo.tumblr.com :)


	11. September 14th, 2015: The First Heist

Today was the day.

   During the past month, Jaebum had spent most of his time meeting up with the others in the group – planning, getting to know each other. He felt relieved knowing that they all got along well. Of course there was the worry and nervousness as well, but Jinyoung managed to somewhat convince him that he would be fine.

   Apart from the meetings, Jackson had taught him more about his part in the heist and all the various details he should know. Youngjae had taught him how to use guns and assault rifles, which wasn’t exactly the easiest. After some consultation, Jackson decided not to let him go near the rifles. No one really complained.

   Jinyoung kept reminding him that once they entered the bank, he couldn’t let anything creep into his mind. “Focus on what’s in front of you, not what’s in your head,” he said, so many times that it turned into a mantra.

   It was difficult not to doubt the team, but the closer they got to this day, the clearer it became that these guys were professionals. They weren’t fooling around.

   And it was actually happening.

   “Just shoot close to any civilian who seems suspicious,” Bambam told him one day. The main part was this: Jaebum had no idea where his morals were. Whose side he was on. He knew why he was doing this, but also not. Jinyoung was his main motivation for everything, which totally cast aside the fact that he would soon be pointing a gun in innocent people’s faces. Jaebum simply had no idea if that bothered him or not. This was obviously something deeper, something that had nothing to do with Jinyoung in the end, but he wouldn’t normally agree to this if Jinyoung hadn’t been there.

   Since he was already so deep down the gutter, there was no point in backing out anyway. And Jaebum somehow reached the conclusion that he definitely didn’t want to. He worked out a dilemma in his head: bank robbery, or die without doing anything with his life. This choice gave him excitement. A sense of belonging. That was really all he ever wanted, and all he ever lacked prior to Jinyoung.

   “Jaebum hyung, remember what Jinyoung kept saying?”

   Jaebum, who had been staring at the floor absentmindedly, looked up at Jackson. “Focus on what’s in front of you.”

   “Right,” Jackson said seriously. “Snap out of it, we need you here right now.”

   “Sorry.” Jinyoung gave him a pat on the back.

   Jackson stood up and looked at the board in front of them. They had all slept at the meeting spot the past night. No one had left since 11 a.m. the previous day, except for Yugyeom and Youngjae who had to fix the van and the materials needed. Youngjae even set up his own cooking table to create Jinyoung’s thermite.

   “We’re hitting the bank in approximately an hour. I think it’s time we go through it all one last time,” Jackson continued, looking at everyone. “First of all, make sure your radio is working. We don’t want any technical bullshit once we’re in there. Now, we’re going in well-armed and we’re going in fast. The whole street outside will be full of police pretty soon after we’ve entered. As we’ve discussed, we’re going in through the back door, the one Mark finally managed to find a solution for.”

   “It took a while, but I managed to crack the code,” Mark added.

   “Yugyeom will hide the van once we’ve entered,” Jackson said, pointing at the planning board. “We all understand where it will be, right?”

   Everyone nodded silently but firmly.

   “As soon as we enter, we shoot down the security cameras. Crowd control, we do our job while Jinyoung plants the thermite charges on the first security door. Don’t shoot the civilians, as I’ve pointed out several times already. Just shoot the walls or whatever; that’ll scare them enough.

   “Jinyoung will eventually reach the second security door that is downstairs. Once he’s through this one, Mark has to do his work on the vault door. When you’re done, Mark, you let us know. I’ll leave Jaebum and Bambam to it while I go help Jinyoung with the money.

   “After we’re done, everyone gets out the same way we came in. If we have to split up, that’s okay. Do your best to get to the van. If you somehow can’t get to it on time, you know where the bikes are. At that point, you’re on your own. Lose the cops and get back to this place as soon as possible. Everything good so far?”

   Everyone nodded once more.

   “Jaebum hyung?”

   Jaebum looked up at Jackson again. “Of course,” he answered calmly.

   “Now,” Jackson sighed. “You all know what I’m about to say next. I hate to say it, but we all have to remind ourselves of it. Remember that if you’re caught, you do not rat on the rest of us. We’re all in this together, alright? Secondly,” he said, pausing. “If someone is shot, we do our best to get that person back to the van. However, if chaos ensues, we leave that person behind,” he finished, looking at Mark for a moment.

   Silence, with a mix of sighs.

   “I love you all, so be careful,” Jackson added. “And let’s just hope it doesn’t come to that.”

 

Once they had all changed into the clothes Bambam had collected, they made sure to check their surroundings before getting to the van and driving away. It was eerily silent; everyone was too focused to talk. Jaebum included. He reminded himself to stay concentrated, which had been harder the closer they got to the date. At least Jinyoung holding his hand helped.

   “Here,” Youngjae said suddenly, stretching out his hand to give Jaebum his earpiece. “There’s a button on the side of it; you need to press that when you want to say something. Once you’ve done that, it’s on until you press it again, so you might as well press it once already and keep your hands off. And remember, don’t say any names.”

   Jaebum took the earpiece and put it on. “Thanks.” Youngjae smiled in response.

   “Hyung,” Jinyoung said next to him. Jaebum looked at him, once again surprised by how innocent the other looked. And yet, they were in a van on their way to rob a bank.

   “Yes?”

   “You still don’t regret it?” Jinyoung asked quietly.

   Jaebum shook his head. “I don’t.”

   Jinyoung smiled slightly. “Good. Be careful.”

   “You too.”

   Their lips closed for the last time before the heist. In place of eagerness, there was now carefulness. Jaebum could tell by the way Jinyoung kissed him that he was worried. Probably praying to God that nothing would happen. At the same time, he could feel a hint of excitement through Jinyoung’s discreet lip-biting. It was all Jaebum needed to forget about where they were and where they were going. Jinyoung was there and they felt infinite. The whole moment felt infinite. He wished it was the truth.

   The last bit of confidence Jaebum still lacked was fully regained after Jinyoung broke the kiss. He was prepared for this now. Excited, even. It would be the biggest adrenaline rush of his life and he was more than ready to experience that.

   “Can’t wait until I have to spend several days in the same room as you two,” Bambam said sarcastically.

 

Everything suddenly happened very fast, almost too fast for Jaebum to handle. They reached their stop, Youngjae quickly gave Jinyoung his bag and they left with their masks on and weapons in hand. He could hear someone say “go, go, go” through his earpiece – possibly Youngjae – but he was way too focused on following the others to even hear anything properly.

   They quickly ascended some stairs, Jackson in the lead and Jaebum last. The air felt tense and quiet; all Jaebum could hear was his own rapid breathing and their footsteps. They all knew what was about to go down, and this was the last moment. The calm before the storm.

   Jackson kicked down the door that led to the main ground. They were instantly met by their first guard, who Jackson knocked down so quickly he barely had time to react to their entrance. They pushed on through a corridor filled with various workspaces, not even bothering to be quiet. Whenever Bambam saw a security camera, he shot it before they progressed.

   It felt like no time had passed before they were in the lobby of the bank. Jackson screamed at everyone to get down on the ground as the four of them pointed their weapons in various directions. People were screaming, crying, going wild, but it was all dull in Jaebum’s ears. All he could focus on now was what was in front of him, and right now, what he saw was Jinyoung leave.

   They parted within seconds, and now it was up to Jaebum to rely on hope _. Everything will be fine,_ he told himself. _You can reach him through your earpiece._

   Jaebum kept track of those sitting by the desk as Jackson and Bambam collected the other civilians. They would want everyone at one place before Jackson had to leave. Luckily, the people obeyed easily. Of course some of them had questions, such as “why are you doing this?” but they ignored it. They had agreed on keeping the talking to a minimum.

   Some parts of the heist came scarily natural to him. Jaebum hadn’t even processed the thought that he was currently pointing a loaded pistol towards innocent people, until now. He  knew fully how wrong it was, yet the sense of power overwhelmed him. Took over. He had never been a person in power. He had always been nothing. Even when he did the most for the family, he was still nothing. All he had was a mother who cared more about alcohol than her son, and a father whose face he couldn’t remember even if his life depended on it.

   But now, like this, he was the one above all else. It felt strange, but too good. It calmed him down to see people scared of him, to know that they would do what _he_ wanted, and that he could harm but not be harmed.

   “Sir?” one of them asked reluctantly, so quietly Jaebum almost didn’t hear. He didn’t answer, only looked, as the civilian slowly took his chance to look up at Jaebum.

   “You don’t need to do this,” the civilian tried. “We can talk about this.”

   Jaebum looked at him for a long moment. Talking wasn’t really Jaebum’s way of solving things, and he didn't need any of the boring psychological talk. "Shut up," he hissed in response, and that was enough for the civilian to go back to staring at the ground.

   There was suddenly a small sound coming from his right. “I’m through the first gate,” he heard Jinyoung say through the earpiece.

   Mark replied something, but he couldn’t hear what. There were suddenly loud noises coming from outside. Jaebum looked at Bambam and Jackson at the corner of his eyes. The police had arrived, he understood, and it sounded like a lot of police cars. Just like predicted, of course.

   “This is the police. You are surrounded; calmly drop your weapons and step out of the building,” one of them spoke through a megaphone. Jaebum studied the civilians, who were obviously getting their hopes up. Luckily for them, the intention wasn’t to hurt anyone.

   “You lowlifes should just give up,” one civilian suddenly muttered. She looked at the three of them with utter disgust. “Go out and do something for the world instead of hiding behind masks like _cowards_. You’re just a waste of time and space.”

   Bambam suddenly fired a shot somewhere close to her. Jaebum flinched, for the first time, because his focus was leaving him. He wanted to slip back, but he couldn’t. After blinking once, it was as if time had almost completely stopped. Everyone around him moved slowly and once again, he could barely hear anything. He felt dizzy and disorientated as the scene before him changed into something else.

_“Jaebum-ah!”_

_Jaebum sighed and pretended like he didn’t exist._

_“I know you’re in your room!” he heard his mother scream._

_She wasn’t going to stop bothering him until he left his room and asked what she wanted – Jaebum knew that. He sat still for a moment, waited for her to scream once more, and slowly left his room with heavy steps._

_“What?” he blurted out once he reached the living room, where she was lying on the sofa._

_“You can’t even speak formally to your own mother,” she sighed impatiently. “I wanted to tell you to go down to the basement and fetch some beer, but perhaps you can’t even do that,” she grumbled._

_“Is that all?” Jaebum asked tiredly._

_She looked at him for the first time, eyes filled with disgust. “What happened to you, boy? What am I supposed to do with you?” she asked, mostly to herself. Jaebum never answered whenever she asked._

_“It’s no wonder your father left,” she muttered when Jaebum kept silent._

_“I think he left because you won’t stop drinking,” Jaebum muttered in response._

_She sat up from the sofa and looked at him intently. It was obvious she didn’t really want him to be there. “You’re a waste of time and space, Im Jaebum,” she hissed. “You’ll never amount to anything. Anything. And even when I’m dead, I’ll haunt your dreams, and you’ll end up just like me. Then we’ll see who’s laughing.”_

_Jaebum wanted to reply that he had never laughed about it, that he never wanted things to be like this. That he wanted to be free from whatever hell his life was. But instead, he went to fetch the beer._

Jaebum snapped back once he realized something. He looked around him; everything was still in place. No one had moved and he hadn’t missed much. There was a mark on the wall from where Bambam had aimed, and the civilians were still looking at them with terrified eyes.

   One thing worried him though. Something felt off suddenly. Everything was quiet, way too quiet than it should be, and the air felt tense once again – not in a good way.

   “Don’t shoot.”

   Jaebum’s heart stopped once he heard Jinyoung through the earpiece. It almost suffocated him, the way it felt like his heart was stuck in his throat. When he looked at Jackson, the feeling seemed mutual. The terror Jaebum felt was reflected in Jackson’s eyes.

   There was no need for words as both Jaebum and Jackson dropped what they were doing and left Bambam alone in the lobby. Jaebum could hear someone through the earpiece, but he knew it wasn’t Jinyoung and therefore didn’t listen. All he could concentrate on was getting down the stairs, to Jinyoung, to affirm that everything was fine and everything would always be fine.

   As to compensate for how it had slowed down earlier, time suddenly seemed to speed up. Everything happened fast again; they were down a few stairs, and they saw Jinyoung. One hand was up in the air, other one searching for his pistol and a cop was pointing a gun at him.

   Jaebum had no time to even say anything before Jinyoung was shot before him.

   He heard himself scream, tried to get closer but felt someone stopping him. All he saw through his blurred vision was Jinyoung lying still on the floor, a small circle of blood forming under his body. Jinyoung’s face was turned away from him, and he wanted so desperately to see. To know. Nothing was certain until he could get down there and check for himself.

   He was being pulled further and further away, and he tried with all the strength he had left to resist it. Leaving Jinyoung like that wasn’t an option. _Fuck_ the rules; the only thing that mattered was Park Jinyoung.

   The bullet that flew past his face made him flinch. As soon as he looked, Jackson had already fired back and successfully hit the policeman, who was now lying on the ground not far away from Jinyoung. Jaebum tried to elbow Jackson to make him let go, but Jackson refused. He tried his best to drag Jaebum along with him, despite the desperate squirming.

   Jaebum’s heart broke when he lost vision of Jinyoung. He didn’t care what happened to him; he wanted to stay. He wanted to be with the one he loved, even though Jinyoung might be dead. It wasn’t right.

_None of this was right._

   “Let me go,” Jaebum wept, still trying half-heartedly to break free from Jackson’s grasp, but he was completely drained of energy.

   “I’m not losing you both!” Jackson snapped.

   Jaebum noticed the police were taking this chance to raid the building, but he didn’t care. Jinyoung was left all alone back there; it was inhumane to even consider leaving him to die all by himself, surrounded not by his friends, but by enemies. At least _Jaebum_ should be there. His boyfriend. It was only right to go down together than leave the other in a pool of blood. But Jackson wouldn’t let him decide that for himself, and honestly, fuck that guy. Fuck everyone in the world but Jinyoung.

   Jackson dragged him through some stairs, and suddenly they were back by the car. Jackson basically threw him in, jumped in and then screamed at Yugyeom to go.

   Jaebum sat down at an inner corner of the van, facing the wall instead of the others. He wanted to be as far away from Jackson and the others as possible. He hated all of them, hated himself most of all. All he could do now was sit there, apathic, as the distance increased further and further. Even if he screamed at Yugyeom to stop, he knew Yugyeom wouldn’t listen. Even if he tried to somehow escape the van, he’d be stopped in seconds.

   “What happened?” Bambam asked quietly, as if he didn’t want to add fuel to the fire.

   It was quiet for a moment, then he heard Jackson sigh. “Jinyoung’s dead,” he croaked.

   He could hear Youngjae softly crying, while Bambam and Jackson were mostly quiet. Mark and Yugyeom either didn’t hear the news, or they had other things to concentrate on. More “important” things. Youngjae kept asking questions, Jackson tried his best to answer. Jaebum stopped listening; he couldn’t hear more of it. He didn’t even want to believe Jinyoung was truly dead. Jackson had dragged him away before he could check for himself and honestly, all of this was way too much to take in. To comprehend.

   “Hyung,” Jackson mumbled, trying to inch closer. “I’m sorry.”

   Jaebum consciously chose not to look at him. “Stay away,” he growled. “Don’t come closer to me.”

   “Hyung-,” Youngjae started.

   “Don’t,” Jaebum cautioned, voice breaking. “Jackson, if you come closer, I’ll fucking kill you.”

   “Do you think I’m your enemy?” Jackson asked. He was obviously heartbroken too – they all were, but Jaebum couldn’t deal with that now. He couldn’t even deal with himself.

   “I can’t do this,” Jaebum mumbled, wrapping his arms around his legs. “I can’t.”

   “Let me help,” Jackson said. He stretched out a hand.

   Jaebum didn’t look at it. “It’s not right,” he mumbled, shaking his head. “It’s not right,” he repeated. Jinyoung falling to the ground. The pool of blood under his lifeless body. Cold and left alone. None of it was right.

   “It’s not,” Youngjae agreed, but Jaebum had no idea if he really meant it. “Hyung, let me help you.”

   He didn’t respond. He closed his eyes, hoping that would do some good, but all he could see was Jinyoung, and all he could feel was his stomach turning and his whole body shaking. His heart still beat fast even though it felt like it would never work again, and he felt increasingly more and more ill.

   Of course Youngjae noticed it. He tried coming closer. Jaebum wanted to protest, but he didn’t have the strength to move or speak anymore. When Youngjae asked for permission, he couldn’t do anything but nod slightly.

   Youngjae sat down next to him and pulled him close in a warm embrace. The road they were on was bumpy and uncomfortable, but Youngjae held him tightly and safely. He still didn’t want to be close to any of them, not really, but he also had no energy to say no.

   The rest of the trip to their spot was spent with Yugyeom driving like a maniac to lose any chance for the cops to find them, Bambam and Jackson sitting in silence and staring at nothing in particular in front of them, and Youngjae drying the quiet tears that streamed down Jaebum’s face now and then. Jaebum tried his absolute best to forget what had just happened, but he knew he’d never be able to. All he could do now was tell himself how completely fucking stupid, stupid, stupid he was. Like a new mantra.


	12. February 3rd, 2016

It felt like he was re-living a nightmare, and so far he had just reached the basement door. For the hundredth time, he wondered if this was truly a good idea. Nothing about agreeing to join a bank robbery was normal from the start; returning to where it all began was most definitely worst. Especially after what happened.

   Jaebum looked at the handle in front of him, then at the key in his hands. It used to be Jinyoung’s key, and now it was his. One of those few things Jaebum could keep as a memory. The smell from the duvet had faded a long time ago, the roses he had received still stood by his window. They were dead since months ago, but he still kept them. It was still a much better memory than this stupid key.

   It was a curse to return here – Jaebum felt that to his core. The air felt tense and suffocating and he thought his head might explode. But at the same time, it felt like the only way. He had tried everything to forget and move on. Time wasn’t an option because he was going crazier and crazier by each day. It had felt somewhat better at Jackson and Mark’s house, but the thoughts and feelings were always there. Like he had lost something and replaced it with a dark cloud above his head. No, this was the only option he had left, and he finally felt ready to try it.

   If anything, at least the alcohol in his body dampened the hurt a little bit. Little was better than nothing.

   Jaebum unlocked the door and went inside. He looked down the dark hallway, to where the entrance to their meeting spot was. Perhaps it was the alcohol doing its thing, but it felt as if Jaebum wasn’t alone. As if he was back in 2015, walking down the hallway for the first time along with Jinyoung. But when he stretched out his fingers slightly, he felt nothing but air.

   Everyone else had already arrived. It was quiet when he entered, so they had probably waited for him anxiously. Jaebum undressed, took a big breath and entered the living room.

   “Hey everyone.”

   “You came,” Jackson noted.

   Jaebum nodded slightly. “Barely,” he chuckled awkwardly. “I’ll admit already; I’m not completely stable on my feet.”

   Jackson looked as if he was about to say something, but decided not to. “Welcome back anyway,” he said instead.

   “Thanks,” Jaebum replied dryly, looking around for the first time. The place was still the same, which was most definitely uncomfortable. It reminded him of the long days they spent together back in September.

   “How much did you drink?” Yugyeom asked cautiously.

   Jaebum looked at him. “Not nearly enough, honestly, but I’m fine. Don’t worry about me,” he replied, motioning at Jackson to sit down. “My time to talk.”

   Jackson looked confused, but nevertheless sat down.

   It was probably best to lean against a table if he was going to talk for a while, so he did. He looked at the others before him, who all looked more or less worried. Jaebum sighed once more before he began.

   “It feels weird to be here,” he admitted. “I’m sure you guys feel the same.”

   They all nodded.

   “Uh,” Jaebum started, looking down at his hands. “First of all, I want to apologize again. You all know why. Well, there are many reasons…,” he trailed off.

   “Hyung, you don’t need to- “

   “Youngjae, don’t do that. It’s okay,” Jaebum replied. “This is the last time I’m saying it. I think you all got the idea. Just know that I’m very sorry for my behavior.”

   “It was justified,” Mark said.

   “Sometimes,” Jaebum replied. “Anyway,” he continued, “yes, I did drink prior to this, but don’t think that anything I say tonight is a lie. After all, the alcohol didn’t lead me here. I did myself. I’m going to be completely honest here,” he informed them.

   They were all silent now, so he continued. “I miss him,” Jaebum said. “And I’ve tried everything. I used to drain my sorrows in alcohol but it barely has an effect these days. It doesn’t even taste good anymore. I think it’s just an old habit at this point.

   “Aside from alcohol, I’ve tried talking. You guys know I’m bad at that, but your support always helped – more than you think. Jackson, I hated you for a while after what happened, but you’re a close friend to me and I want you to know that I don’t blame you anymore. I finally understand your view of it.

   “I’m sorry for saying this but…,” he stopped reluctantly. “I’ve wanted to die ever since. It’s pretty obvious, of course, I just never said it. But no matter what, I felt selfish. If I pushed you guys away, I felt selfish. If I tried talking to you about it, I felt selfish. When I tried to seduce that girl at the party, I felt selfish. Thinking about suicide makes me feel selfish. Present tense, because I still think about it,” he mumbled, looking at anything but the guys in front of him.

   “But there’s something… just something that makes me believe I can be okay again. I think it’s thanks to you guys, because you’ve supported me so much even though I couldn’t support you back. It’s more than I could ever ask for in another person. And it’s done something to me. I’m still miserable, I still drink and God knows what else, but perhaps there’s a light at the end of the tunnel after all, ya know? My problem is that I have no understanding of how to get there.

   “As I’ve said, I tried everything already. Everything I can bring myself to do. That list is pretty short, obviously, for various reasons, but I… Now I’m standing here. I’m ready to do it again – as ready as I can be. At this point it’s just desperation. Perhaps this is the answer I seek. It feels like a nightmare; one part of my brain is telling me to get the fuck out of here, but well… Where do I go? What do I do? I have nothing.”

   “What about a psychologist?” Yugyeom suggested.

   “We already discussed that,” Jackson answered.

   “I know, but still…”

   Jaebum shrugged. “Even if I tried to dance around all the details, I just… It’s never been an option. I don’t trust them.”

   “And it’s too risky. Sadly,” Youngjae muttered.

   “I think we all need a psychologist at this point, but how do you tell them you’re mentally damaged because your friend died in a failed heist without getting thrown in jail?” Bambam said.

   Jaebum nodded in agreement. “We basically only have each other at this point. And I know that this is risky – that has been proved already. Maybe I’ll end up losing all of you,” he sighed, dragging a hand through his hair. “But I’m desperate. And I’ll do it.”

   It was silent for a moment. Jaebum looked mostly at Jackson, since he was the leader. Jackson eventually looked back at him. “I wanted to ask if you’re sure,” he said, “but it seems you’ve decided.”

   Jaebum nodded once more. “Yeah.”

   “Jaebum,” Mark suddenly said. “I don’t know how you do it, honestly. If it had been Jackson, I don’t know what I would’ve done.”

   “Perhaps you would’ve ended up like me.”

   Mark scoffed. “You’re stronger than you think. I wish you’d realize that.”

   Jaebum smiled slightly in response. “So when is it?”

   “On the 26th,” Yugyeom said.

   “Alright,” Jaebum finished. He stood up a bit too quickly for his feet and sighed heavily. “Plenty of time to sober up.”


	13. September 21st, 2015

Time stood at 1.30 a.m. and Jaebum couldn’t sleep. He hadn’t been able to sleep properly for a week now, actually.

   _A week_.

   That was all he could think about right now. It had been a week – the slowest week in his whole life. He had no idea what to do when they ran out of alcohol. Alcohol didn’t even help, really. Absolutely nothing helped. And that, if anything, was a scary feeling to be left alone with.

   Just like usual, Jaebum left his bed and went into the living room. It was pitch black, so he stumbled around the find the light. After that, he went to fetch the bottle of whiskey he had hidden under a cabinet. The others had tried to take it away from him, so he needed to have a plan about it.

   Luckily the bottle was still there, so he took it and sat down on one of the sofas. After lighting a cigarette, he sat there completely still and apathetic, looking at a fixed spot in front of him. It was the only thing he could do every night. The others probably had trouble sleeping as well, but they didn’t bother him as he sat there. It was a good thing, since all he wanted was to be alone.

   He tried hard not to blame himself, but it was pretty much impossible. As he sat there, smoking his cigarette absentmindedly and taking a sip of the whiskey now and then, he solely thought through what had happened. He tried desperately to remember the image of Jinyoung’s body on the floor, tried to remember any sort of evidence that Jinyoung wasn’t actually dead. He knew it was hopeless though. Eventually he’d just make things up in his own head. Go completely crazy. Perhaps he already had.

   Just like the previous nights, he sat there for thirty minutes until the clock on the sofa table turned 2 a.m. On cue, Jaebum turned on the TV on low volume and checked the news. He waited in anticipation, but it was the same stuff as it had been all day. Murders, rapists, something in America, whatever. If Jinyoung’s body had been found, they should’ve identified him by now. Jaebum wasn’t sure how it worked, but he wanted some kind of answer on Jinyoung’s current state. If they released Jinyoung’s identity to the press, he should’ve heard it already, but all he had heard about the heist was that they were still looking, a policeman was hurt, et cetera.

   It was definitely fishy.

   Jaebum sighed and turned off the TV. Perhaps he was simply being ridiculous. Overlooking things. He knew he had a tendency to do that, and it wasn’t always for the best. Rarely, actually.

   “Jaebum hyung.”

   Jaebum was startled, to say the least. He sighed heavily and sank back down into his seat. He knew whose voice that was, and he wasn’t interested in answering. Jaebum still hated them all – mostly Jackson – and refused to talk to any of them. It was simply tiring to even be there, in the same space, constantly. They tried talking to him for two days, but after that they gave up. Jaebum’s only response was to turn away, look away or simply leave the room.

   So, Jaebum got up to leave, but Jackson blocked his path.

   “Can we please talk?” Jackson pleaded.

   It bothered him that Jackson knew he was up, waited for a chance to try and talk, and now he was blocking Jaebum’s way. It bothered him that this was all according to Jackson’s plan. And it bothered him that he didn’t even bother trying to escape this time.

   “I get that you’re mad,” Jackson tried. “You’ve punished me for a week now, after all, but I wish you’d listen to my reasoning. Perhaps… it’ll make you feel better.”

   Jaebum looked at him in a mix of disbelief and anger. “You…,” he started, then cleared his throat. He hadn’t exactly said much in the past week. “You think it’ll make me feel _better_?”

   “Bad choice of words, I guess,” Jackson muttered.

   “Get out of my way.”

   “No.”

   “I’ll hit you, seriously. I’ll do it,” Jaebum warned.

   “You didn’t do it last time, so why would you do it now?” Jackson taunted.

   “Fuck you!” Jaebum sneered.

   “Stop blaming me for Jinyoung’s death!” Jackson shouted.

   Jaebum got real close, until their noses were mere inches apart. “I blame myself, you asshole,” he hissed, looking down at Jackson.

   “And me,” Jackson retorted. “And hey, I can take that, but you’re going too far. We’re sad too, but we try our best to help you. So stop pushing us away.”

   Jaebum was silent for a moment, then sighed heavily. He backed away and sat down again. Jackson took it as an invitation for a talk, so he sat down next to him.

   “It’s been a week,” Jaebum said.

   Jackson nodded. “A slow week.”

   Jaebum didn’t answer. He took another gulp of the whiskey. “Why did you stop me?”

   “I already told you,” Jackson replied. “I didn’t want to lose you both. You’re more than a colleague to me, I hope you know that. I want to be a good friend to you, especially right now.”

   Jaebum quickly dried the tears forming in his eyes, hoping Jackson wouldn’t notice. “We talked about it beforehand. Jinyoung and I. We agreed that if anything happened, we’d stay with each other. And I hate myself for not doing that.”

   “I’m sorry, man…”

   “Perhaps he’s dead, but… It was a promise we made,” Jaebum sighed.

   “’Perhaps’?” Jackson asked, looking at him.

   Jaebum couldn’t help his anger building up again. “What do you even mean by that?” he protested, looking at Jackson fully. “Why are you _so_ keen on just deciding that Jinyoung’s dead? How could we have _any_ idea?”

   “Dude, you saw him yourself-.”

   “So?”

   “Look,” Jackson started, sounding slightly annoyed himself. “It’s just easier for me like this, _okay_? I’m not like you! How am I supposed to move on if I constantly walk around thinking I should’ve checked, I should’ve let you go, I should’ve done this and that. I’m supposed to be holding this damn team up. And I just…,” he trailed off, staring at nothing in particular in front of him.

   Maybe Jackson would think he was stupid, but he had to share his thoughts. “I just think it’s weird. It’s like there’s no proof that he’s dead. I mean, maybe I’m searching blindly... I just expected something to pop up on the news.”

   “Hyung…”

   “Don’t think of me as stupid, please,” Jaebum interrupted him.

   “With all due respect, it just… It seemed pretty bad. Perhaps it’d be better for you if you could realize for sure that he is gone.”

   Jaebum looked at Jackson. “I don’t want to be sure.”

   “Right,” Jackson said, sighing. “Well, I can’t answer your question. But I can’t look for an answer either.”

   “It irks me,” Jaebum muttered. “It irks me that on top of it all, we’re stuck here.”

   Jackson nodded in agreement. “If anything, it’ll be easier and better for everyone involved if you started communicating with us again.”

   “Well, I guess I have no choice but to try after all,” Jaebum admitted. He received a smile from Jackson, half-apologetic and half-content. He smiled back even though it felt mostly fake, but quickly lost it when Jackson intertwined his hand with Jaebum’s.

   Jackson looked at him, uncertain of how to react. “Is this okay?” he asked reluctantly.

   After looking between Jackson and their hands for a moment, Jaebum nodded and tightened his grip. “Thank you.”

   “Anytime, hyung, anytime.”

   It was silent again. They sat there together, hands still intertwined, looking in front of them as if assessing the mess they had made. Jackson gripped his hand tighter, and Jaebum knew what he was thinking about. He was thinking about exactly the same thing.

   Jackson inhaled and Jaebum knew he was about to say something. “Don’t,” Jaebum interrupted him, before he could even utter anything. “I don’t want to cry,” he explained.

   “God damn it,” Jackson groaned. “Give me that,” he said quickly, grabbing the bottle Jaebum was holding and taking a big sip.

   Jaebum couldn’t help but look at him in confusion. Jackson wasn’t exactly the type to drink when he had issues.

   “Jinyoung held this group together,” Jackson started, and Jaebum couldn’t hold it in after hearing Jackson’s broken voice. “He took care of everyone. Made sure everyone was okay. And he never asked for anything in return.”

   Crying was exactly what Jaebum had wanted to avoid the whole week, but there he was. Crying. Just like that. Trying to build a wall against his emotions didn’t help whatsoever.

   “I don’t know what to do without him, honestly,” Jackson continued while trying his best to keep his composure. “I’m trying my best to keep my head high, but it’s hard.”

   He knew Jackson was a softie on the inside. Jackson was that kind of person who needed comfort all the time, and constant knowledge that he was good enough. Jaebum was too busy grieving and hating everyone to realize that he should be supportive himself. He thanked God that Jackson had Mark; Jaebum wasn’t sure how Jackson would survive any of this otherwise.

   “I keep thinking you would’ve been a better leader,” Jackson said to him. “You probably never realized that yourself, but I noticed during our meetings. You have so many leadership qualities.”

   “Stop,” Jaebum cried softly, wiping his cheeks with his sleeve.

   “Seriously…,” Jackson cried. “I’m sorry your life has been absolute shit.”

   Jaebum pulled Jackson close and held him tightly in his arms. “It’s not all about me.”

   Jackson nuzzled close and wiped his tears on Jaebum’s shirt.

   “Jackson, to be honest…,” Jaebum started. He dried his tears one last time. “If I go back to wallowing in my self-pity, don’t be surprised. And if I turn away from you guys and refuse to discuss my feelings, don’t be surprised. It’s what I do.”

   Jackson sighed. “I wish that wasn’t the case, but alright,” he said. “Do you think you’ll be okay eventually?”

   “Honestly,” Jaebum sighed. He combed his fingers through Jackson’s hair absentmindedly. It felt impossible. He wanted to say yes, but he knew at the same time that it would be a complete lie. Perhaps it was too soon to say, but he knew somehow in his heart that the rest of his life would be different. How to deal with that, he had no idea, but he needed to at least be truthful. “Honestly,” he repeated, looking at the bottle of whiskey now standing on the sofa table. “I don’t think so.”


	14. February 26th, 2016: The Second Heist

“Are you ready?”

   “No.”

   Youngjae sighed. “Yeah, me neither.”

   Jaebum looked at him as they sat opposite each other in the van. The morning was spent with all of them being more emotional than usual, but somehow they managed to prepare for the day anyway. Jackson hadn’t been easy to talk to; he was too quiet and deep in thought to respond with anything longer than three words. Bambam and Yugyeom were awfully quiet, Mark didn’t show much difference other than looking a bit tired and sad. Youngjae, apparently, felt ill.

   “Maybe drinking something would help,” Jaebum suggested.

   “I don’t know man, I think I’m just gonna sit it through. At least I’ll be in the van.”

   They had talked mostly about Jinyoung since September, Jaebum realized, and today was the least favorable moment for that topic. When he thought about it, he became aware of the fact that he probably didn’t know Youngjae too well. Any of them, really. Their whole friendship was based on exactly what they were doing right now. A pretty sad thought in and of itself.

   “Do you like music?” Jaebum asked suddenly. Youngjae looked at him in surprise.

   “What?”

   “You know… Listening to music, creating music, whatever,” Jaebum elaborated.

   “Yeah, uh,” Youngjae hesitated, “I enjoy both.”

   “Oh,” Jaebum replied. “Me too. Or, I used to.”

   Youngjae looked at Jackson, who was still deep in thought, and Bambam, who was now following the conversation interestedly. “What sort of music?” he asked Jaebum.

   Even though he didn’t really need to, Jaebum thought about it for a moment. “RnB mostly.”

   It showed that Youngjae was becoming increasingly interested in the conversation, and Jaebum liked it too. They had something in common other than Jinyoung’s death. That was a nice thing to know. “I’m a big fan of ballads,” he replied.

   Jaebum smiled. “You seem like a ballad type of guy.”

   “What does that mean?” Youngjae chuckled.

   “I don’t know,” Jaebum shrugged. “You’re a bit of a softie, so stereotypically I’d imagine you sitting at home and listening to ballads all day. But it’s cute.”

   Youngjae scoffed. “Are you hitting on me or what?”

   Jaebum rolled his eyes. “No thank you.”

   “Hey! I think a lot of gay guys would be into this,” Youngjae said, patting his butt. A good time to look away, Jaebum decided.

   “I can be your gay lover,” Bambam chimed in, raising his hand as if he was volunteering.

   “You’re not interested _in general_ ,” Jaebum pointed out.

   “I know,” Bambam said, sighing. “I just wanted to feel inclusive!”

   The three of them chuckled, but decided the conversation was over. For the remaining trip, they sat there quietly, each one of them thinking about what was to happen – for the first time since September. Jaebum would be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous. It was definitely on Youngjae’s level, luckily without the stomach ache.

   Of course he hoped to God nothing would happen, but _if_ something did happen, he had no idea how he would deal with it. None of them seemed to have an idea. Then there were the hallucinations of course. He hadn’t forgotten about those – far from it. The only thing Jaebum had done to prepare himself was practice on exactly what Jinyoung had said: “Focus on what’s in front of you.” It had helped last time; hopefully it’d work this time too.

   Yugyeom announced through the earpiece that they were close now. All four of them sighed heavily. This was it. The second time they were doing this, and hopefully the last time for at least Jaebum.

   “Hyung,” Youngjae said suddenly.

   Jaebum looked at him questioningly.

   “Whatever happens, be careful. You always say that you don’t want to lose us, but you’re very important to each and every one of us too. Basically,” he sighed, “don’t do anything stupid.”

   “I didn’t save you just so you could throw yourself into a pit of fire anyway,” Jackson added, which was the first thing he had said during the whole trip.

   Jaebum looked at them all, then nodded. “I’ll be careful.”

   Jackson quickly reminded everyone of the rules again, through the earpiece. They were the same as last time. Jaebum wasn’t going to follow the rule about not trying to save each other, but he didn’t say anything. He just hoped that if it came to that, no one would be around to drag him away. He knew he needed to pay back for the way he had treated them the past few months. If given the chance, he would do exactly that.

   Youngjae made sure everyone was good. He handed Jackson a bag similar to Jinyoung’s. This time, Jackson would have to be the demolition. Perhaps that was why he was so quiet. It had never been his job before, so that was another added factor to their general nervousness. The other roles were the same; Bambam and Jaebum would be on crowd control together. It worked with just the two of them since this bank was much smaller.

   This time, they’d come up at the front of the building. The bank was outside of Seoul, and therefore it mattered less where they began the heist. Afterwards, Yugyeom would hide the van as usual and Mark would do his thing from the passenger seat, which included somehow taking over the security cameras. Jaebum wasn’t sure how he did that, of course, but they had agreed that they wanted full surveillance this time on what was happening. Just in case. Youngjae was at the back of the van, controlling everything and pretty much taking Jackson’s leader role momentarily.

   “Bambam, stay close to me,” Jaebum said. “We don’t lose each other, okay?”

   “Right,” Bambam replied, smiling slightly. Jaebum had become some sort of big brother to him – to all the younger ones. He had no idea how or when it had happened in the middle of his self-comfort, but he felt a strong need to be protective of them all.

   Next thing they knew, Yugyeom had pulled up by the bank. Youngjae once more exclaimed “go, go, go,” equal to the last time. The three of them sprinted out with their weapons, armor and masks on and into the bank. Jaebum, once again with his pistol, and Bambam, once again with his assault rifle, quickly gathered everyone as Jackson ran to the one security door they had to get through.

   “I’m already on it,” Jaebum heard Mark say as he, along with Bambam, tried to create order among the scared civilians. It reminded Jaebum of how he felt last time – something he had completely forgotten because of what happened soon after. He remembered feeling powerful and good about himself. Confident, since he, for once, was the one in charge. All the nervousness had dropped as soon as he stood there with his weapon aimed at the people, keeping them in control. It was nothing like that this time; he felt increasingly more and more nervous the longer Jackson took and he didn’t even want to look at the civilians in front of him. It felt awkward. Unnatural. Unfair.

   Jaebum thought about what he would actually get out of this. So far everything was blank in his head. It was weird; they had spent a lot of time preparing themselves mentally for this, and now that he was here, it felt simply… silent. He expected at least a quiet anxiety attack of some sort, or lack of concentration, but there was nothing of the sort.

   He hated that he could never figure himself out.

   But perhaps this reaction was a good thing. Perhaps he should be happy about it. An anxiety attack was, of course, the last thing he wanted. Being like this wasn’t a state he wanted to be in either, but maybe it meant he could hope that he was at least sort of starting to move on. Not that he expected to, but he at least hoped. The more he thought about it, the past weeks had been less and less bad. Still shit, but less so.

   Somehow, Jackson was still struggling with the door. The thermite was the only sound he could hear in his mind. Perhaps the whole bank was actually quiet, but he couldn’t tell.

   His hearing seemed to be doing that thing again.

   The buzz increased more and more in his ears. He swore quietly to himself and tried to concentrate on something that could bring him back. Sadly, there wasn’t much that could help him snap back. Bambam’s shoes against the floor, someone smacking their lips, another one sighing. Every sound bothered him.

_Focus on what’s in front of you._

_Focus on what’s in front of you._

_Focus on what’s in front of you._

   Jaebum suddenly heard the increasing sound of police cars, and soon they pulled up outside of the building. He looked at Bambam, who looked back at him for a split second and then went back to surveilling the hostages. Jaebum still didn’t want to look at them, so he checked Jackson’s status.

   “Unless you guys aren’t aware, the cops are outside now,” Yugyeom said.

   Jaebum tuned in. “Still working on the door.”

   “Alright,” was all Yugyeom said. Jaebum then left the earpiece on, just like Youngjae kept instructing him to do.

   The buzzing in his ears increased, even after Jackson successfully got through the gate. He sweated too, possibly because of the warm clothing and nervousness, but the feeling was all too familiar. It reminded him of the woman at the club. Or, just the moment.

   Perhaps things weren’t going so well after all.

   When Jaebum looked at Bambam again, it seemed that time almost stood still again. Bambam was moving slowly – barely, actually, and everything was close to complete silent. He couldn’t hear Jackson moving around anymore and he couldn’t hear the sirens outside.

   Something was definitely about to happen.

   As if on cue, he heard an uncomfortably familiar voice. “Is it you?” was all he heard, but he couldn’t believe it. He needed to snap back to reality, because time was essential here and there was no opportunity for mental health issues.

   Jaebum blinked hard, hoping that would solve it. It didn’t, of course. In fact, it made matters worse in the worst way possible. When he turned his head, he saw Jinyoung in front of him now, slowly standing up from the mass of people and inching closer. His hands were in the air as to signalize he meant no harm.

   “Is it really you?”

   Jaebum shook his head in panic. It wasn’t real. It was never real and would never be real. He cursed himself for having such a weak mind. It could happen some other time, but not now. Not when he was doing his best to move on. Not when he actually had some hope.

   He could finally hear something else. The police. They shouted something he couldn’t interpret, but at least he heard a voice that wasn’t the one inside his head. That was something. Something good.

   “Snap out of it.”

   Jinyoung in front of him mouthed the words, but he heard Bambam’s voice. Nevertheless, he tried his absolute best, blinking hard once again and then, slowly opening his eyes.

   Jinyoung was still there.

   Jaebum’s heart was beating fast now, he realized, and he needed to do _something_. “You’re not real,” he panted, backing away slightly.

   “I am, please believe me,” Jinyoung pleaded. It sounded so real he wanted to believe it – that’s all he ever really wanted. But Jaebum had tried now. Tried so hard for so many months. He didn’t want to lose to his own mind this easily.

   When Jinyoung tried inching closer again, he held up his gun and aimed it at the hallucination in front of him.

   “Jaebummie-.”

   “N-No,” Jaebum stammered, shaking his head. “I’m trying so hard not to. You’re not here. You, are, not, here.”

   Jaebum could still hear the police talking in the background. It stressed him out so much he didn’t know what to do. He had no control of the situation and the police might as well raid the place any second.

   Looking around, he realized suddenly that everything was back to normal. Bambam was looking at him, then at the person in front of him, and Jaebum could hear Mark scream something in his ear. He still couldn’t tell what it was.

   When Jaebum looked back at the person in front of him, he still saw Jinyoung.

   He had no idea what to believe at this point.

   “It makes no sense,” Jaebum breathed, staring at Jinyoung in disbelief and tightening the grip of his gun. “You can’t be real. I saw it myself. You’re _dead_.”

   Someone, possibly Jackson, sighed in his ear. “Jaebum hyung, please.”

   “Calm down,” Jinyoung said, and he looked downright afraid. “Let me touch you, okay? Can I come closer?”

   Jaebum didn’t know what to do, so he just stared. The tears were welling up again, but he couldn’t think about it now. All he could think about was Jinyoung’s fingers stretching out towards his cheek, slowly and trembling slightly as Jaebum lowered his gun. Every part of Jinyoung was just like he remembered it, except his hair. It was longer now. And he looked tired, but hopeful.

   The tears couldn’t be stopped when Jinyoung touched his cheek, even if the mask was inbetween. He could feel it. He could feel the fingertips brushing gently against his face. Everything was still confusing, but he dared to hope that perhaps, just perhaps, this was actually real.

   “I’m not somebody else,” Jinyoung reassured him, as if he could read Jaebum’s thoughts. “You know me. You’ve felt this touch before. It’s exactly like you remember it, isn’t it?” he asked, voice shaky just like Jaebum’s own.

   “It can’t be true,” Jaebum sobbed. “It can’t be,” he repeated, taking Jinyoung’s hand in his. He looked at it thoroughly, then at Jinyoung’s face again.

   It couldn’t be realer than this.

   Suddenly, everything happened fast, as if time once again sped up to compensate. Like a tragically perfect mimic of their last heist. He heard Bambam scream suddenly, and then he heard a gunshot from the same direction. When he looked, he saw one hostage with a gunshot in his leg and a gun next to him. He barely had time to notice Bambam’s horrified expression before he heard the police outside.

   Youngjae was shouting at them to get out immediately. Mark was shouting at Jackson, who was nowhere to be seen. When Jaebum looked at Jinyoung, he fully realized what was going on here.

   If Jinyoung was still alive, it also meant he could still die.

   “Jinyoung, we need to-,” Jaebum started. He didn’t get to finish the sentence before he heard a second gunshot.

   Jinyoung looked at him with wild eyes. He was shaking, panting. Life was being sucked out of him, slowly but surely.

   “Jinyoung?” Jaebum croaked, holding him in his arms. That’s when he saw the blood oozing out of Jinyoung’s shoulder.

   “No, no, no,” he repeated, trying his best to drag Jinyoung with him. “This can’t be happening…”

   He heard Jinyoung groan in his arms, clinging to Jaebum for his life as they tried to get out of the building. Bambam nor Jackson were nowhere to be seen, the police entered the building and Youngjae kept shouting in his ear.

   A third gunshot.

   It missed Jaebum by a hair.

   “Jaebum hyung, please,” Jinyoung whispered, panting hard. “Save yourself.”

   “No, you asshole,” Jaebum grunted. “I’m not fucking leaving you again.”

   He heard more gunshots, and when he looked around he saw Bambam and Jackson hiding behind pillars. Jackson motioned at him to go. If there had been time, he would’ve thanked them, but all he could think about right now was getting Jinyoung to safety.

   “There’s too much blood,” Jinyoung sighed. He was heavier to support now, and Jaebum noticed he sounded tired.

   Jaebum pushed on, because he didn’t want to give up. He was done with that. It was his one chance to do everything right, to save the person he cared for the most, and therefore save his own. He thought about all their happy memories as he dragged Jinyoung to the backdoor. Their first meeting. Their first date. When they slept together for the first time. Those flowers Jaebum gave him. All the deep talks they had together. That was the life he wanted. The only thing he desired. No matter what happened, he would get Jinyoung to safety.

   After successfully reaching the backdoor and getting to a hallway, he sighed in somewhat relief. The danger wasn’t over yet, but they were at least not within shooting range.

   “Jinyoungie, stay strong, okay? We’re almost there.”

   “I’m so sorry,” Jinyoung whimpered.

   “Don’t say nonsense,” Jaebum protested. He couldn’t help but tear up again, but it was still not the right time for getting emotional.

   “It hurts so fucking bad,” Jinyoung hissed.

   “Are you okay?” he heard Mark say. “Where are you guys?”

   “Going through the hallway now,” Jaebum reported. “Jinyoung’s with me.”

   Mark sighed. Jaebum couldn’t tell if it was of relief or of worry. “The police are focused on Bambam and Jackson right now, but hurry up, okay?”

   “Who are you talking to?” Jinyoung asked.

   “Mark,” Jaebum told him.

   Jinyoung managed to snort. “Tell him I said hi.”

   “You can do that yourself once we get to the van.”

   “No,” Jinyoung replied, shaking his head. “Hyung, I don’t think I’ll make it.”

   “ _Stop_ ,” Jaebum protested. He stopped and looked Jinyoung deep in the eyes. “You’ll make it. I’ll see to it that you can stay alive. Because I want you to, okay?”

   “Jaebum- “

   “Shut up!” Jaebum replied frantically. He quickly ripped up Jinyoung’s shirt – which was already half drenched in blood – and held it tightly over Jinyoung’s wound. Jinyoung winced, but Jaebum didn’t have time to say sorry. He kept his hand steadily over Jinyoung’s wound as they progressed to the exit of the building.

   Youngjae was there to help them. He carefully put an arm around Jinyoung’s waist and together they managed to carry him to the van. Once they were inside, Yugyeom quickly drove off.

   “What about Bambam and Jackson?”

   “They’re on the bikes,” Youngjae explained shortly. He sat Jinyoung up straight and opened his first aid kit. Jaebum tried to help, but Youngjae simply told him not to butt in.

   “Jaebummie,” Jinyoung winced, stretching out a hand. Jaebum quickly took it and sat down next to him, stroking his cheek worriedly.

   “I’m here, Jinyoung.”

   “Stay by me,” he panted.

   Jaebum took his hand, held it tightly and kissed Jinyoung on the cheek. “Always.”


	15. July 6th, 2015

After looking at the recipe for the fifth time, Jaebum sighed heavily. He had been working on the damn stew for the past hour, and it still tasted nothing like a “dreamy summer vegetable stew.” It just tasted like shit. And Jaebum was supposed to be the cook in this household.

   He grabbed the tomato on the cupboard and looked at the recipe one more time, even though it didn’t really help him. Perhaps he should just stop following it and do his own thing. Add a bit more of everything. That usually worked whenever he tried to do something.

   As he was deep in thought, staring between the tomato in his hand and at the boiling pot, someone suddenly crept up on him and slapped his ass. Jaebum shrieked, jumped and somehow managed to slip.

   He landed on his stomach, and the tomato was completely smashed under him.

   Jinyoung laughed – or roared, pretty much – harder than he ever had before. Somewhere inbetween Jaebum managed to make out “you look stupid,” “I’m so sorry” and “I totally got you!”

   This was what he had to live with.

   Jinyoung pulled him up, and of course succeeded in laughing even more when he saw the remains of the tomato smeared across Jaebum’s T-shirt and apron, as well as on the floor. “I think I’m gonna pee myself,” was all he could wheeze as he succumbed to the floor and held his stomach.

   Jaebum was about to say something, but then he heard a hissing noise behind him. He turned around and sighed heavily. On top of it all, the stew had boiled over.

   “You fucking dick,” he said flatly.

   “Oh my god,” Jinyoung panted. “The look on your face!”

   Jaebum pushed him away. “I swear to God, Park Jinyoung, I’ll fucking kill you.”

   Jinyoung laughed again. “I’m sorry. Seriously,” he said as apologetically as he could manage. “Hug?”

   “No!” Jaebum spat, going back to the stew. “You ruined it.”

   “It’s not ruined,” Jinyoung assured him, closing his arms around Jaebum’s waist. “I can help.”

   “You’ve done enough helping, thank you very much.”

   “Then,” Jinyoung started, and Jaebum didn’t like the sound of his voice, “I can make you feel better in other ways,” he murmured as his hand disappeared behind the apron and down Jaebum’s pants.

   Jaebum swore silently to himself. “Do you want dinner or not?” he asked sourly.

   Naturally, Jinyoung ignored his question. “Jaebummie,” he sighed close to Jaebum’s ear, “what do you think about me topping next time?”

   Jaebum swallowed and choked on his own saliva. He started coughing, the stew boiled over again, and all Jinyoung did was push him up against a wall.

   “The stew,” Jaebum croaked, still coughing. Jinyoung impatiently moved it to another plate. “Why are you never calm when you should be?”

   “Because it turns me on when you cook,” Jinyoung smirked. He took the apron off and tossed it to the side, where the rest of the tomato was. “So?” he pushed, running his hands slowly up and down Jaebum’s chest.

   “God damnit,” Jaebum sighed, trying half-heartedly to push Jinyoung away. “No. Let me go back to cooking.”

   “But- “

   “We can discuss dicks and asses after I’ve finished this _fucking_ stew!” Jaebum said sternly, using a special tone of his that indicated the conversation was over. Jinyoung luckily obeyed.

 

Both of them sat down at the dining table simultaneously. Jinyoung looked at him, but Jaebum decided to ignore it. This was going to be a nice dinner together, they were going to enjoy it, and Jaebum would not do anything to encourage Jinyoung even further.

   “Thank you for the meal,” Jinyoung said in an exaggeratedly nice tone. Jaebum knew what he was going for, but decided to wholeheartedly ignore that too.

   “You’re welcome.”

   They ate in silence. Jinyoung solely complimented him for the food, but it didn’t seem completely convincing. Perhaps because it tasted nothing like actual food. Jaebum wasn’t mad, of course, and neither was Jinyoung, but he really didn’t want this to turn into an even bigger mess.

   When he looked up slightly, he noticed Jinyoung was looking at him intently. That couldn’t be a good thing.

   “Hyung.”

   “Hmm?”

   “You got something, uh,” Jinyoung said, stretching out a hand to wipe something off Jaebum’s lip, “there.”

   Jaebum wanted to give him a look that said “stop,” but Jinyoung knew what worked on him. Sadly, this was one of those tricks. He sighed instead and let go of his spoon. “Alright, you got me. What do you want?” he asked impatiently.

   “I’m just being nice,” Jinyoung said innocently. Jaebum gave him a look, but Jinyoung just shrugged as if he had no idea what Jaebum was referring to. “Do you want dessert?” he asked instead.

   “Why?” Jaebum asked suspiciously.

   “No offense hyung, but you’re asking me a lot of stupid questions,” Jinyoung answered, then went to take out a box from the refrigerator. “Why can’t you just relax?”

   “I’m relaxed,” Jaebum argued. “It just feels like you’ve got something up your sleeve.”

   Jinyoung put down a cake in front of him. “Yeah. I baked a cake.”

   Jaebum looked at it with a mix of surprise and guilt. “Oh.”

   “What did you expect?” Jinyoung asked as he sat down next to Jaebum.

   “Well, uh,” Jaebum thought for a moment, looking at Jinyoung who had raised an eyebrow in expectance. “I don’t know. Another prank, maybe?”

   Jinyoung rolled his eyes. “I just wanted to be romantic and bake a cake,” he muttered. “You always go on about being romantic,” he continued. He scooped up some whipped cream with his finger. Jaebum was about to protest, but suddenly the finger was in front of his mouth and Jaebum was practically forced to lick it off.

   The gaze pretty much said it all, if the whole whipped cream thing wasn’t enough. For some reason Jinyoung just kept trailing off into this direction. Perhaps Jaebum shouldn’t complain, and in the end he wasn’t anyway. He was just confused.

   “Well, the cake looks nice,” Jaebum mumbled.

   “Yeah?” Jinyoung whispered in that sensual voice of his. Jaebum wanted to answer again, but Jinyoung was once again quicker with the whipped cream. He pretty much _smeared_ it over Jaebum’s upper lip and all of this was definitely doing something to Jaebum’s lower stomach.

   “Aren’t we supposed to eat it?” Jaebum asked playfully.

   “That’s what I’m doing,” Jinyoung replied, before leaning in to lick the cream off Jaebum’s lip. Jaebum took the chance for a kiss – Jinyoung eagerly responded. It was immediately clear how desperate Jinyoung was; not so much because of what was happening in his nether regions, but because of how he kissed like there was no tomorrow. There wasn’t even any build up, just a wet mess from the start. There was no time to object before Jinyoung had somehow moved over to his lap, cake completely forgotten as Jinyoung experimentally grinded against him.

   Jaebum groaned in between breaths and responded by spanking Jinyoung hard. He flinched in Jaebum’s lap, but nevertheless ordered Jaebum to do it again. He did, as hard as he could, and swore he could’ve been done for right there and then because of Jinyoung’s loud moan.

   Some things would never change, that was for sure.

   Of course Jinyoung just had to kill the mood. “So,” he started, sounding suddenly unsure. “You know what I mentioned earlier…”

   Jaebum looked up at him, panting harshly. “Seriously?”

   “It would be hot,” Jinyoung tried. “Spice things up, you know,” he mumbled as he stroked Jaebum’s neck.

   “Yeah, because my ass would be on fire afterwards,” Jaebum joked, but it was really more of a protest.

   “My dick isn’t that massive,” Jinyoung said playfully.

   “Why do I feel like you’re mimicking something I said?”

   “Because I am.”

   Jaebum sighed in defeat. “I’ll think about it. But not tonight. Tonight I’m doing you,” he mumbled, slowly lifting Jinyoung’s shirt up and kissing the skin.

   “At least I can convince you to have sex with me,” Jinyoung said, sighing.

   “I don’t need much convincing if I want it myself,” Jaebum replied, kissing further and further up. Jinyoung kept quiet, finally, which allowed Jaebum to do what he wanted. He reached a nipple and nibbled hard enough for Jinyoung to elicit a surprised moan. It was the easiest way of turning him on; Jinyoung was such a big fan of what Jaebum was doing that it was insane. He had realized it during their second time together, and since then Jaebum couldn’t keep himself from doing anything, simply anything with Jinyoung’s nipples because the sounds that came from his mouth each time were, to say the least, breathtaking.

   Just like Jaebum knew his tricks in bed, Jinyoung knew his. “Jaebummie,” he moaned, knowing exactly what it did to him when he was called “Jaebummie” in bed. And as per usual, it worked. In response, he groaned against Jinyoung’s torso. When he looked up, he saw Jinyoung looking at him in expectation. It basically meant Jaebum had to take the lead now, which was something he’d gladly do.

   “Bed?”

   “Sofa is closer,” Jinyoung answered impatiently. He pulled Jaebum up by grabbing his shirt and led him into the living room. When he crashed down on the sofa, he dragged Jaebum with him and had the audacity to whine when Jaebum basically fell over his body.

   “Suit yourself, asshole,” Jaebum muttered in response.

   “Wait,” Jinyoung said before grabbing a remote and turning on the radio. “I wan’t some music for this.”

   “Romantic,” Jaebum said sarcastically, even though he secretly liked the idea.

   Jinyoung’s only response was to roll his eyes and greedily take off Jaebum’s shirt, toss it to the side and undo his belt. The good thing about Jinyoung was that he wasn’t very submissive, but also he was. He wanted to be dominated but at the same time wanted some control, and there was nothing sexier than that in Jaebum’s eyes. The way their tongues battled for dominance was a clear example of this; Jinyoung always wanted to win, but he never did. If he was losing, he tried to cheat by doing something that would divert Jaebum’s attention. In return, Jaebum simply had to pin down Jinyoung’s hands and he had won anyway.

   Which is exactly what happened this time too.

   “Jaebummie,” Jinyoung moaned again, probably just to tease him. Sadly, it worked just as always, but at least Jaebum was still in control. He sighed in frustration over the fact that Jinyoung still had his pants on. He undid the button swiftly with one hand and did his best to pull them down to Jinyoung’s calves. It didn’t go so well, so he let go of Jinyoung’s wrists to pull them down all the way.

   As he did so, he heard the radio start playing “Same Ol’ Mistakes” by Rihanna. Not romantic at all, and the look they shared told him Jinyoung felt the same. There was a pause in their actions as everything appeared to change. All Jaebum could see was his lover in front of him, and all he could hear were the lyrics blasting from the radio.

   _I can just hear them now,_

_“How could you let us down?”_

_But they don’t know what I found_

_Or see it from this way around_

This was not the time to be thinking bad thoughts.

   Jinyoung took his chance. He quickly sat up, pulled Jaebum’s face close and bit harshly on his bottom lip. Jaebum winced, but didn’t have time to do more than that before Jinyoung had turned them around so that he was on top. Jaebum wanted to say something, and Jinyoung seemed to notice since he suddenly went for Jaebum’s dick and started pumping slowly as some cheap distraction. He didn’t mind, of course, but when Jaebum looked at the man above him, he noticed something different. Perhaps Jinyoung was just really into it, but he looked frustrated. And it made Jaebum frustrated too. Most of all he wanted to turn the damn radio off.

   When Jinyoung let go, Jaebum tried to say something but to no avail. Jinyoung kept him down, grinded against his dick as Jaebum tried to regain control. It didn’t feel completely good, but right now he preferred it that way. Right now, he didn’t want it to feel perfect. But things were also starting to spiral out of control.

   “Jinyoung, seriously-.”

   He didn’t earn a response, which frustrated him further. If they were going to play like this, then _fine._ Jaebum had had enough.

   _Two sides of me can’t agree_

_When I breathe in too deep_

_Going with what I always longed for_

   The stupid lies, the stupid alcohol, his stupid mother, his stupid own self and this stupid relationship built on love and obsession and weird needs and the person in front of him he didn’t deserve. All the things he didn’t deserve. Everything he had left behind to be here and everything he would give up just to desperately live something called a “life.” It was _too much_.

   He turned them around, quickly and roughly got rid of Jinyoung’s boxers and the look, the _look_ on Jinyoung’s face told him everything about what was happening. What they were about to do. And how. How risky it was. Either damaging or healing. But they both needed it. They both wanted it.

   _Feel like a brand new person_

_(But you make the same old mistakes)_

_Well, I don’t care I’m in love_

Some minutes later, Jaebum finally sank into Jinyoung. Neither of them had time for enough adjustment. They didn’t even have time to talk as Jaebum immediately started moving, slightly too rough for comfort. The only sound that could be heard was the radio and Jinyoung’s mix of moans and winces.. It hurt slightly, Jaebum knew, but he also knew Jinyoung would tell him to stop if that was what he wanted. And anything Jinyoung asked, Jaebum would obey. Instantly.

   Jaebum lowered himself, steadied himself on his elbows as he kept his gaze steady. Jinyoung looked back at him, barely even blinking and his eyebrows were furrowed as sweat ran down his forehead. It was hot, to say the least, and the sound of skin smacking together only made matters worse. Or better.

   “Harder,” Jinyoung said sternly. It was the first thing he said since this weird, psychological game had begun. But Jaebum did as he was told; he smacked his hips forward as hard as he could. Jinyoung hissed, grabbed onto his back and desperately tried to hold on. Jaebum barely noticed the pain from the scratch marks he received.

   _I know that you think it’s fake_

_Maybe fake’s what I like_

_Point is I have the right_

_Not thinking in black and white_

   He hated this. Sadly, he also loved it. That was the really fucked up part.

   Jinyoung got him to stop without saying a word, then swiftly turned them around to be on top. Jaebum wanted to kiss him, but he was stopped by being pushed back into the cushion. Only a moment later, Jinyoung was riding him like there was no tomorrow. Jaebum let him do his thing, because he did it well. Slapped him a little, harder and harder until he managed to receive another moan. It felt electrifying and he wanted to continue, but in return he received another chokehold.

   He thought he might just give up and pass out. Jinyoung was pushing him down into the cushion as hard as he could, his grip tighter than ever as he continued riding Jaebum’s dick as fast as he could manage in such a position. Jaebum instinctively grabbed the other’s arms, tried to get him to back off even though he ultimately trusted Jinyoung. This wasn’t an abusive situation. It was rough sex, with silent but clear consent and all the possibilities in the world to end it whenever. But Jaebum didn’t want it to end. He just wanted to feel.

   _And I know that it’s hard to digest_

_A realization is as good as it gets_

Jaebum couldn’t help it when he glanced at the cigarette marks on Jinyoung’s arms. He shouldn’t have, not that they were a secret, but because he knew now was not the moment. For either of them. Because Jinyoung saw, knew what he was thinking, felt the frustration as some sort of telepathy, sighed slightly (it felt loud in Jaebum’s ears) and let go of his throat. Jaebum coughed, did whatever he could to regain oxygen in the middle of it all. It was too much to handle.

   When he managed to steer his mind into the right direction, he came hard inside of Jinyoung, only thinking about the good things over and over. Jinyoung’s ass, Jinyoung’s face, Jinyoung’s sounds. Yeah. _Good things._

   Soon after, Jinyoung reached his climax too, and slowly rode it down until they were both a sweaty, tired mess. He pulled Jaebum out of himself, laid down in the small space between Jaebum and the backrest of the sofa and sighed heavily.

   _I finally know what it’s like._

   “Sorry,” Jaebum blurted out. Someone needed to say something.

   Jinyoung gave him a kiss on the neck. “For?”

   Jaebum didn’t really know what for, so he stayed quiet. Shrugged slightly.

   “Let’s just… I don’t know,” Jinyoung sighed again. “I love you, okay? Don’t take any of this the wrong way. We’re both frustrated.”

   “Yeah,” Jaebum replied, turning around to face Jinyoung. “I love you too,” he replied, and with Jinyoung’s smile, everything seemed to be back to normal.

   “I do want more of that cake...”

   Jaebum rolled his eyes. “Just… let’s not ever mention that tomato incident again. Okay?”

   He didn’t quite enjoy the grin on his lover’s face. “Alright, it’s whatever. But it was pretty funny.”

   “ _Right_ ,” Jaebum replied, a smile playing on his lips. Whatever just happened, it happened. Maybe they should’ve at least talked about it some more, but that wasn’t going to happen. It was in the past now, like another uncomfortable, subconscious ghost in their thoughts.

   Perhaps it was all okay, perhaps it wasn’t. Jaebum wouldn’t be able to find an answer even if he tried, and honestly, _whatever._


	16. February 26th, 2016

“Jaebum hyung, check if it’s clear.”

   “It is, I already checked.”

   “Jinyoung, are you still with us?”

   “Mmm.”

   “He needs to rest,” Jaebum said. “I’ll take the left side, you take the right one.”

   “Okay,” Youngjae replied and did as commanded. Jinyoung groaned slightly as they hauled him up and out of the van. Mark and Yugyeom were right behind them, checking the area and unlocking the doors for them. Bambam and Jackson were still nowhere within the vicinity, and their bikes weren’t visible either. They were all worried, Mark mostly, but the main focus right now was making sure Jinyoung would be okay.

   As they finally reached the living room in the abandoned apartment complex, they carefully put him down on one of the sofas. He let out a sigh, possibly of content, but was a bit too weak to say anything verbally. They didn’t want him to anyway; Jinyoung needed all the rest he could get right now. Youngjae had done a good job on the wound, but he would need to watch over it.

   Jaebum quickly went to fetch his pillow and fluffed it up before putting it down behind Jinyoung’s head. Jinyoung muttered something that sounded like a “thanks,” with a small but broken smile, before he closed his eyes. Luckily the wound had stopped bleeding, so right now he just needed to be as still as possible.

   “Don’t bother him too much now, hyung,” Youngjae warned him. “I know you’re frantic about this.”

   “Aren’t you?”

   “I am trying to stay calm, but God knows I’m panicking on the inside,” Youngjae answered.

   Jaebum nodded in response. He hadn’t had time to think about what just happened, until now. Things weren’t completely calm yet, but calm enough to reflect on everything. The fact that Jinyoung was alive before him was still too much of a chock. It had happened so slowly, then so fast, but the others could see him and everything around him seemed normal.

   The big question was just _how_.

   It was hard for Jaebum not to hate himself right now. It wasn’t the right time – far from it – but he had pretty much given up on trying. On believing. And Jinyoung was somewhere out there – alive – all along. He felt a messy mix of shame, guilt, self-hatred and sadness, but also happiness. What mattered most right now was that Jinyoung was there, back in the sofa, and so far he hadn’t died. It was hard to leave Youngjae to it, but he forced himself to. They couldn’t risk anything.

   And then there was Jackson and Bambam. They still hadn’t heard anything from the two, hadn’t even seen them after they escaped. Mark mentioned seeing them run somewhere on a security camera, but after that he lost contact. And just like Jaebum had been last time, Mark was of course panicking. He tried not to show it, but it was obvious. Youngjae kept trying to contact them through the earpiece, but with no luck.

   If the price of getting Jinyoung back was losing two friends, Jaebum would definitely go crazy.

 

Nightfall came. Jinyoung was sleeping soundly on the sofa. Jaebum stayed close since Jinyoung refused to follow Youngjae’s order about everyone keeping their distance. Both of them sat there, watching him closely and making sure everything was alright. Yugyeom and Mark were pacing the room, evidently stressed and tired. They had, of course, greeted Jinyoung as well, but mostly left him to rest.

   “They might be hiding somewhere else,” Youngjae suggested.

   “But they should’ve at least managed to contact us,” Mark insisted. They had already had this conversation twice. Not that Jaebum was counting or anything.

   “Actually,” Jinyoung said suddenly. None of them had noticed him waking up. “Those earpieces suck,” he finished, coughing slightly. Jaebum quickly offered him some water.

   “What do you mean?” Yugyeom asked.

   “They’re low-priced,” he started, interrupted himself with a sigh, “which should be enough explanation.”

   They all looked at Youngjae, who shrugged. “Might be something technical.”

   Mark sighed heavily. “Fuck this,” he muttered, then went to his bedroom and shut the door.

   It was silent for a long while, save Jinyoung’s breathing. Yugyeom eventually turned on the TV and nervously switched to the news. They mentioned the attempted robbery, but nothing about detaining any suspects. It still didn’t calm anyone down, because how could they be? Jinyoung was a perfect example of what could happen. Perhaps they hadn’t gotten caught, but they might also not return.

   There was a sudden noise outside, making Jaebum quickly snap back. The others heard it too; there were no windows, of course, so they all ended up staring at the front door in a mix of anticipation and worry. It could be anyone. It could be the police, for all they knew. But it could also be Bambam and Jackosn.

   He could hear engines, some small incoherent sound and then hurried footsteps. They all looked at each other for a split second, then back at the door. Whoever was there had a key, which must mean-

   Jackson entered, and Bambam was right behind him after closing the front door. Both looked disheveled, dirty and so, so tired. Bambam also had a cloth wrapped around his arm. Mark came back, sighed in relief and quickly hugged and kissed his boyfriend while Bambam gave Yugyeom, Youngjae and Jaebum a hug.

   “So sorry for worrying you all,” Jackson said, “we had to find a new escape, and then we were chased for so long, and we managed to eventually shake them off and then we found a hiding place but Bambam was hurt- “

   “I can’t believe it,” Bambam said, staring at Jinyoung.

   Jackson only noticed Jinyoung just now. Jaebum backed away to give them some space as Jackson came closer, staring at Jinyoung as if he had seen a ghost.

   “It can’t be.”

   Jinyoung squeezed his hand, then Bambam’s. “It’s me.”

   Youngjae also momentarily left them some space as Jackson knelt down, crying and holding Jinyoung’s hand. Bambam was tearing up too, but tried his best not to act like it. Now that everyone could relax, Mark and Yugyeom were joining the party, crying and laughing together.

   As he watched, it became clear that they all were all so very close; much closer than with Jaebum, save Jinyoung. He wasn’t sad about it, though. He understood, finally, that Jinyoung wasn’t his personal belonging. There were people who cared about him just as much as Jaebum did, and the least thing he wanted was to be in the way of that. He just wished he had realized it sooner.

   Jinyoung hushed Jackson as well as he could manage and patted him on the head. “I’ve missed you so much,” Jackson whispered, giving Jinyoung a kiss on the hand. The rest of them decided to follow his actions, and soon Jinyoung was bombarded with more kisses than he should have to handle right now. Youngjae sighed impatiently, much like a school nurse. The indication that they should back away was clear, so they did (Jackson reluctantly so), much to Jaebum’s appreciation.

   Jackson turned to Jaebum instead, looking worried. “How are you feeling?”

   “I don’t know,” Jaebum answered awkwardly. “It’s hard to say.”

   Jackson nodded understandably. “We’re here if you want to talk,” he replied, patting Jaebum on the shoulder. His mouth felt dry, so Jaebum only mouthed a thanks.

 

A few nights passed and Jinyoung got increasingly better, all thanks to Youngjae’s skills. Jaebum wanted to thank him verbally, buy him something or whatever, but Youngjae got the idea even if Jaebum couldn’t quite express it.

   Jinyoung was still quite weak of course, but less tired and able to hold a conversation. Jaebum spent whatever opportunity they had catching up, telling him about what he had done (or rather, hadn’t done) since the incident and how hard it had been. Jinyoung listened intently, held his hand tightly and kept telling him that everything would be okay now. Of course, Jaebum had to ask about what happened to Jinyoung. In fact, they all asked, but Jinyoung’s simple response was that he’d tell them all in due time.

   Today was, apparently, that day.

   It was around 5 p.m. and Jaebum was preparing dinner for them all (which consisted solely of heating up pre-made dishes). That was the only thing they lived on; Jackson had fixed the food supplies and he was somehow still not much of a money spender. But as long as there were chicken options, Jaebum was okay.

   “Hyung,” he heard Yugyeom say behind him suddenly.

   “What?”

   “Come to the living room, we’re having a meeting.”

   Jaebum looked at him. “Well, what about dinner?”

   “Dinner can wait,” Yugyeom replied. “Come.”

   They were all seated already when Jaebum entered. He took an empty seat next to Mark and looked at them all. “What is this about?”

   “Jinyoung,” Jackson answered. Jaebum looked at said person, who gave him a small apologetic smile. Why, he had no idea.

   Jinyoung sighed heavily as they all looked at him expectantly. “I’ve wanted to avoid this subject for some time, but you all deserve an explanation.” Jackson butted in and asked if it was bad. Yugyeom hushed him.

   “I’ll tell you what happened at the bank and why I’ve been gone for so long. And why you found me, of course. We’ll get to that. Anyway,” he started, takig a deep breath before he began. “So. During the heist, I was working on the second gate and everything was going splendid until I heard a voice behind me. When I turned around, I saw a cop. No idea where he came from, but he must’ve been hiding. He was pointing a gun at me, telling me to drop my weapon and stick my hands in the air. I couldn’t do anything but obey. He seemed nervous too; I’m pretty sure he was inexperienced. I think that’s also why it ended with me being shot.

   “He kept babbling to me nervously. Kept telling me to stay like that while he contacted the police, but he didn’t do anything. He just stood there, shaking, pointing the gun at me as if his brain had malfunctioned. And his finger was dangerously close to the trigger, which is where you heard me say “don’t shoot.” After I said this, he was distracted by something. I think it was you guys – Jaebum hyung already told me he and Jackson came to my aid and saw it all. And I guess you already know the rest. As he was distracted, I took my chance to reach for my pistol. He noticed and shot me, right here,” Jinyoung said and pointed at the side of his stomach. “It was pure luck for him. Had it been a few centimeters up, it would’ve hit my vest.”

   Jaebum never thought about that. It annoyed and saddened him even further to be aware of that fact.

   “I tripped backwards, fell on my stomach and I couldn’t do anything but lie there for a while. It hurt so much. My ears were ringing from the gunshot, but I still heard you scream, Jaebum hyung. I just couldn’t do anything. I felt completely apathetic and lifeless and… chocked,” he explained, looking at Jaebum with sad eyes. “I wanted to call after you guys and let you know I was still alive, but I just couldn’t get it out of me.

   “After a minute or so, I managed to come to my senses. The ringing was gone and I was still somehow alive, which I hadn’t quite realized until then. As I slowly got up, I tried to contact you guys through the earpiece. That’s when I noticed I had landed on that side of my face, because it was completely broken. I still heard the policemen but managed to get out the same way the cop from earlier had entered.” Jinyoung paused now, looking very uncertain. Bambam egged him on, and he made a face as if to say sorry in advance. “Well… who shot him?”

   “Me,” Jackson said, uncertain himself. “In the leg.”

   “You didn’t hit the leg,” Jinyoung explained. “He… he died.”

   They all looked at Jackson now, who looked at Jinyoung in horror. All the color on his face had been completely drained. “Wait, I… killed him?”

   Jinyoung nodded silently. No one knew what to say as Jackson only stared at the floor in front of him, then at Mark.

   “I noticed he was lying on the ground after you shot him,” Jaebum mumbled, “but I never reflected on that.”

   “Jackson hyung,” Bambam sighed, “for what it’s worth, there was no time for you to aim or anything. You both had to get out of there.”

   “It just… doesn’t feel right,” Jackson replied bitterly. “Robbing is one thing, murder is another.”

   It was silent for a moment, but Bambam motioned at Jinyoung to continue, so he did. “As I said, I managed to get out and leave the building. At this point I had done what I could to prevent the bleeding – the few things Youngjae taught us. After some hiding and sneaking I successfully reached the bikes we had hidden, and quickly escaped. It wasn’t easy to drive it with a big, bloody wound and general dizziness, but I managed by taking things slow. The cops seemed to be after you guys, since the only witness to me being there was dead.

   “After some time, I reached Jaebum’s apartment and, with time, patched myself up. It hurt like a bitch, let me tell you, but let’s not get into details.”

   “Hold on. You went to my _apartment_?” Jaebum asked in disbelief.

   Jinyoung looked at him with big eyes, then on the floor. “Yes.”

   Bambam looked between the two of them. “What am I missing?”

   “There was no trace of you once I got back there,” Jaebum said, standing up. And when Jinyoung didn’t answer, he understood. “You… you made yourself disappear,” he mumbled, mostly to himself.

   “Hyung, sit down,” Jinyoung said desperately, even though he stood up himself. “I’ll explain. Please.”

   Jaebum looked at him again, not sure of what to say.

   “Jaebum, sit down,” Mark commanded him, and pretty much dragged him down back into his seat. Jinyoung sat down too. “Explain first,” he said to Jinyoung, but Jaebum heard he sounded annoyed too.

   “I rested, pretty much passed out from exhaustion. When I woke up, I checked the news,” Jinyoung continued. “You probably saw it. News about the robbery, but nothing about me. Nothing about you guys either. So I knew you guys were fine, and I knew you were here. I had to hide too, of course, so I stayed in Jaebum hyung’s apartment for a while but none of my stuff was there. All I had was what was left in his fridge and his closet.

   “I know what you’ll say. If I was there, I could’ve contacted you somehow. Or come over here once I felt it was clear. I could’ve done a lot of things,” Jinyoung admitted, looking anywhere but at them. “But I thought about that dead cop. I thought about my wound. I thought about what I had gotten Jaebum hyung into.” He took a pause and sighed heavily. “I think the dead cop was the tilting point for me,” he said. Jaebum noticed he was tired now, but all he wanted was for Jinyoung to continue. He needed the truth.

   “I decided to remove every trail of me in your apartment,” he confessed, looking straight into Jaebum’s eyes. “I got rid of all the blood, washed the clothes I had used as well as my own. Dumped the vest I had worn. At this point, I took the chance to go out and buy groceries. I filled up your fridge with some of the stuff that had been there. I suppose you didn’t notice a difference.

   “After that, I disappeared. I took some food with me and went outside of Seoul, close to where the bank you guys tried to rob. I found an abandoned place and settled down, even though it was cold, dark and empty. It was just temporal, after all. I still needed to think through everything – if I was doing the right thing, if I was being selfish…”

   “You were,” Mark said.

   Jinyoung nodded in agreement. “I know,” he whispered. He stayed silent for a moment, wiping his eyes before he continued. “I withdrew some money now and then from the bank, when I felt that it was safe. I didn’t withdraw much, because I was afraid it would seem suspicious. A month passed by, two months passed by. Evenually I got scared of coming back. I thought I had betrayed you guys, most importantly Jaebum hyung. It just felt… too late. So I stayed, unsure of what to do, and then you guys showed up when I was there, withdrawing more money to stay alive.

   “I didn’t realize at first. I was scared and panicking because I was reliving all of it, only this time I was one of the victims. I knew what it was like. The terror. The feeling of being so overpowered, guns in my face, no one in sight who could help.

   “When Jaebum hyung looked at Bambam, I decided to have a look. I wanted to see the person’s face, but I knew immediately. I knew it was you,” Jinyoung sniffled, looking at Jaebum fully now.

   “Jinyoungie- “

   “I missed you _so much_. I couldn’t believe you were in front of me, I couldn’t believe it,” he quavered. Jaebum quickly got up from his seat again. “Jaebum, please,” he pleaded, mimicking Jaebum’s actions again.

   “I already told you how much I suffered,” Jaebum retorted. “You just disappeared from my life. From our lives!”

   “Well, I’m back,” he shrugged, then crossed his arms. “Hyung!”

   Jaebum paced across the room for a moment. He ran a hand through his hair in frustration, staring at the ground, thinking of how to deal with all of this. It was too much. He didn’t want to end up _angry_ at Jinyoung for finally returning, yet there he was. Furious. Once again trying not to cry but failing. All of it was such a joke; all of those sleepless nights, empty bottles, feelings of guilt and whatnot. And yet he somehow had the capability of _understanding_ Jinyoung.

   He punched a wall as hard as he could in frustration.

   “Calm down,” Jinyoung ordered him.

   “Calm down? I think I’ll need a few years to fucking calm down,” he hissed. Jinyoung slowly moved closer. “Don’t do that,” Jaebum warned, holding up a finger. “ _Don’t,_ ” he repeated, but it was weak. He hated that. How Jinyoung always managed to control his feelings.

   “You get to be angry at me,” Jinyoung said calmly, and he knew the effect of his actions. The way he talked. “You get to be angry, but I’m here now. I know I let you down in so many ways, but I didn’t know what to do with myself.”

   Too tired emotionally to respond, Jaebum just stood there. Motionless. He felt that all he needed, all he wanted was a good night’s sleep. Possibly ten years long, or whatever was the equivalent to being able to deal with two failed robberies, a heartache and a lying boyfriend.

   And his own feelings.

 

_“Jinyoung- “_

_“I really… I think I just need someone to protect me,” Jinyoung finished, drying his tears hastily._

_“I want to protect you,” Jaebum replied honestly._

_Jinyoung moved closer again, stretching out a hand. “Jaebum hyung, take my hand. I’m not trying to create a pact or… whatever. I just want you to trust me.”_

   Jaebum looked at Jinyoung’s hand in front of him. His brain tried to refuse, but his heart had already made up its mind. Shaking his hand only meant he accepted everything Jinyoung had done. Everything would be fine and they would stay together. Whatever happened, they would stay together.

   He sighed in defeat. No matter what, Jinyoung always won over him.

   Jaebum loosely took his hand while awkwardly avoiding his gaze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shit is going down now, slash turning into ultra depressive mode. i hope the plot twist wasn't too weird or whatever?? hope everyone's satisfied with how this is turning out (don't hate me pls) hehe. thanks for the support and nice comments - i really appreciate those!!


	17. September 3rd, 2015

“Mark, where are you guys?”

   “Jackson decided to take ages getting dressed, but we’re on our way.”

   “Tell him to stop being a slow ass.”

   “Oh believe me, I’ve tried.”

   Jaebum sighed and hung up. Jinyoung looked at him questioningly, so he explained the situation. It was Jackson’s idea from the start to have a double date; he suggested it last week and Jinyoung was prone to the idea immediately. Mark and Jaebum needed a little more convincing, so Jinyoung suggested a restaurant & bar. Since drinking was Jaebum’s thing, he didn’t say no. The whole idea of a double date wasn’t bad, anyway. It was sort of cute, but right now he would’ve rather stayed at home instead of waiting under a roof while the rain was pouring down in front of them.

   “Jackson’s probably very excited.”

   Jinyoung nodded. “He’s that kind of person. It’s more cute than annoying in my opinion.”

   “Cute, huh?” Jaebum asked, raising an eyebrow. Jinyoung only rolled his eyes in response, so Jaebum pulled him close. “Did you bring an umbrella?”

   “Nope,” Jinyoung answered. “Didn’t I tell you to?”

   “I knew you would forget, so I got it,” Jaebum said triumphantly, showing it to the other.

   “It’s almost as if you expect something back.”

   “We’ll see where the night leads us.”

   Jinyoung only scoffed in response.

   Minutes later, Jackson and Mark finally appeared, hurrying through the rain to stand under the roof with them. Jackson did his signature squeal. In this situation, it probably meant “hi.”

   They hugged each other in greeting and then started moving. One thing Jaebum had noticed pretty early was that in a relationship, he and Mark were pretty similar. They were both more introverted, silently caring while the other two led them on. He always appreciated Mark’s company even though he didn’t say much; they got along well silently and always had each other to rely on. Jinyoung and Jackson were similar because they always got excited around each other. Jinyoung wasn’t extroverted like Jackson, but he knew how to have fun and show it. Jackson always spread lots of energy, which turned Jinyoung into a party person.

   As a perfect example of Mark’s similarity to him, he had also brought an umbrella. Jackson was too busy thinking about everything else. Sometimes Jaebum wondered if he was five years old, but that was okay. He loved Jackson endearingly either way.

   It still baffled him from time to time how Jackson and Mark had become a couple. Sometimes they seemed to be complete opposites of one another, but perhaps that was exactly why. Some weird kind of chemistry, much like a scale that needed to be balanced. Jackson kept Mark going and Mark slowed Jackson down. Since Jackson had taken on a leader role, he needed someone like that by his side. One of many reasons why Jaebum was so thankful for Mark’s presence.

   “Hyung, could you hold the umbrella a bit straighter? You’re making me wet,” Jinyoung complained.

   Jaebum looked at Mark, whose only response was to look back at him sympathetically. He probably had to deal with the same stuff when it came to Jackson. “Yes, princess,” Jaebum replied sarcastically. “Whatever is your command.”

   Before Jinyoung could reply equally snarkily, Jackson butted in. “At least you’re keeping him in place.”

   “Someone needs to,” Jinyoung replied.

   “I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean,” Jaebum said, looking at Mark for an answer.

   “I don’t know either,” Mark admitted.

   They soon reached the place Jinyoung had suggested. It was a bit cramped, which Jaebum most disliked, but he was trying not to get caught up in annoying details. Easier said than done, since overthinking everything was one of his worst traits.

   Another thing that annoyed him, even though he tried to ignore it, was that he had never been here before. He had no idea what kind of people visited this place, what they had to offer, if the menu was good and God knows what else. These were just things he needed to _know_. It might seem silly to someone else, which is why he generally kept quiet about it, but to him they were just typical everyday thoughts.

   After choosing a more secluded place to sit, the two couples sat down opposite each other. The place was pretty much half-filled with a bit of a weird mix of people. Some seemed to be having mostly a good time together with friends, just as they were; drinking, eating, keeping things civil. Others, however, seemed to be drinking their lives away at the bar. Most of them were middle-aged men. Jaebum wanted to judge them, but he knew he couldn’t.

   They ordered their food and beers, except for Jackson who was apparently more of a wine guy. Beer wasn’t much better in Jaebum’s opinion, but this wasn’t really a place for some good wine. Plus, Mark had suggested a beer chug war, and Jaebum was always down for that.

   “So,” Jaebum started after some silence at the table, “how did you two meet? I think I’m the only one who doesn’t know.”

   “We’ve known each other since we were kids, actually,” Jackson said. “I went up to Mark one day in kindergarten and said something like ‘let’s be friends.’ He just ignored me and left, as expected of him.” Mark nudged him with his elbow. “So I kept pestering him until he gave in. Good choice, of course, since it led to us making out at a party in high school.”

   “Just like that?”

   Jackson shrugged. “Yeah. He had been hinting for weeks so I just went for it.”

   “I didn’t exactly leave _hints_ …”

   “No, you were just very obvious.”

   Jinyoung snorted. “At least it’s better than meeting at a liquor store.”

   “Well, I’ll admit it wasn’t romantic, but it was still a nice moment,” Jaebum said in defense. Jinyoung smiled at him and intertwined their hands in response.

   “Speaking of nice moments, you promised to give me all the juicy details,” Jackson said, wiggling his eyebrows at Jinyoung.

   Jaebum looked at Jinyoung, then at Jackson, then at Mark. “What is this about?” he asked.

   “I honestly don’t know,” Mark replied and honestly, when _did_ he know?

   “Give it up, I’m not giving you any details,” Jinyoung sighed, slightly amused. “Focus on your own love life instead!”

   “What love life?” Jackson said and was almost pushed off the sofa thanks to Mark. “Ow!”

   “Talk shit, get hit,” Mark retorted.

   Jaebum wrapped an arm around Jinyoung’s shoulders and pulled him close. “What have you been saying, hm?”

   “Nothing! Jackson keeps asking for spicy information but I swear, my lips are sealed,” Jinyoung replied innocently.

   “He did mention your abs,” Jackson admitted.

   “You’re all a bunch of sex freaks,” Jaebum sighed.

   The food arrived, so they all ate in silence for a moment. Jaebum successfully won the beer chug challenge, of course, although Mark was a tough competitor. Not enough to challenge Jaebum, though. This was like his special talent.

   “I don’t understand you, Jinyoung. I would definitely kill Brad Pitt. He’s so overhyped,” Jackson argued as they were eating. A heated debate had been created between him and Jinyoung as they discussed who out of Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio and Jake Gyllenhaal they would fuck, marry and kill. Jaebum and Mark were mostly just listening and laughing.

   “I don’t know, man. At least he’s hot.”

   “Are you saying the other two aren’t?” Jackson asked in disbelief.

   “That is _exactly_ what I’m saying.”

   “Brad Pitt is wrinkly and old, though.”

   “Well, older men are sexy, Jackson. It’s sexy,” Jinyoung argued back and well, Jaebum had no idea he was into _that_.

   “Can someone back me up here?” Jackson asked desperately. Jaebum was about to answer, but they were all interrupted by someone standing by their table.

   “Hi,” the man said, mostly looking at Jinyoung. Jinyoung seemed to have no idea who he was, because he looked just as confused as they did.

   “Hi there,” Jinyoung replied politely. The air suddenly felt awkward and tense, but the guy in front of them didn’t seem to feel that way at all. He was smiling confidently, looking only at Jinyoung now, and that _definitely_ irked Jaebum.

   “I was just looking at you guys from a distance,” he said, still only looking at Jinyoung. “You seem to be having a fun time.”

   “Well yeah, we are,” Jinyoung replied awkwardly. Jaebum could see Jackson looking at him from the corner of his eye, but he ignored that for now.

   “You just really caught my eye,” the man said to Jinyoung, and yeah, now things were definitely obvious. And even more annoying. “You’re cute. So I gathered up the courage to, you know, walk over here and ask if you maybe wanted to grab a cup of coffee sometime?”

   Jaebum had no idea why he was dreading Jinyoung’s answer. Well, he was, but at the same time not. Of course the answer would be obvious: “No thanks, I’m already taken,” but some part of him was convinced that Jinyoung would just get up at that instant and leave Jaebum forever without as much as a word or look. And he hated that. Always being unsure of everything.

   The guy was annoying the hell out of him. He had every right to ask, but why did he have to ask Jinyoung specifically? It was as if some higher power wanted Jaebum to be a possessive, annoying and controlling bitch. Besides, if he had been watching them for some time, he should’ve noticed the two of them were pretty close.

   Jinyoung blinked a few times in surprise. “Thank you for the compliment, but sorry. I’m not really interested.”

   The guy didn’t seem to lose confidence from that. His smile was lighter than the sun. “That’s okay. Maybe you’ll change your mind,” he said, winking once before leaving. Jaebum wanted to punch him in the face.

   For some reason, he was annoyed at Jinyoung too.

   The others went back to talking as if nothing had happened, while Jaebum sat sourly in a corner with his arms crossed, zoning out completely. It might seem immature, but he didn’t care. Jinyoung seemed to pay him no mind as he spoke to Jackson and Mark about _whatever_. Jaebum watched him freely without gaining so much as a look. It annoyed him even further. And when he looked towards the bar, the guy was still standing there, glancing their way from time to time. Just like Jinyoung, he seemed to pay no mind to Jaebum. Either he was dense, or Jaebum was just invisible. To him it was obvious that they were on a date. Well, emphasis on _was_. Right now they weren’t even close to each other.

   Why didn’t Jinyoung just mention that he already had a boyfriend?

   Jaebum decided to shake it off for now. If the guy kept his distance, Jaebum should just let it pass and move on.

   As they sat there for a while, they talked mostly about Jackson and Mark’s childhood memories. Naturally, they had a lot of those to share. Mark could sometimes seem like he was fed up with Jackson, but that wasn’t at all the case in reality. It was interesting – in Jaebum’s eyes – how the two of them had managed to stay together for so long. He wanted to ask what made them choose _this_ path in life, but it wasn’t something to be mentioned openly at a restaurant. Also, it was nice to – for once – talk about something else.

   Jinyoung remained slightly idle; he was now leaning against Jaebum, playing with the fly on his leather jacket while listening half-heartedly to the conversation. “What are you thinking about?” Jaebum asked quietly as Mark and Jackson were once again busy “arguing.” He tried to ignore the fact that he was asking because of the guy earlier.

   He received a look as if he was stupid for asking. “Nothing special, of course,” Jinyoung said with a reassuring smile. Jaebum received a quick kiss on the mouth, so he decided just to go with it. Jinyoung was a pretty serious person sometimes, so it wasn’t too unnatural for him to fall into these idle moments. Just like Jaebum, he had a habit of overthinking.

   “Jaebum, round two? I can take you on,” Mark teased, and well, Jaebum couldn’t exactly say no.

   “I’ll go order for you,” Jinyoung replied as he straightened up. “I need to stretch my legs anyway.” After patting Jaebum on the thigh once, he left them to go over to the bar.

   That wasn’t exactly what Jaebum had hoped, but perhaps it was better continue ignoring it for now. Only problem was, Jaebum wasn’t good at ignoring things.

   While Jackson went off about something, Jaebum half listened, half concentrated on Jinyoung by the bar. He was facing them with his back, so he couldn’t catch Jaebum staring. The guy was nowhere to be seen, so hopefully he had left already. _Good_ , Jaebum thought. _Jinyoung obviously isn’t interested._

   “Are you listening?”

   Jaebum looked at Jackson, still pretty out of it. “What?”

   “I was talking about next weekend. Maybe we could find some time to invite the others to play some billiards- “

   Normally Jaebum would continue listening, but not this time. Something felt off and he could see what it was at the side of his eye. Jackson was still talking, but all he could concentrate was on the same guy who had sneaked up next to Jinyoung.

   He probably looked like a goldfish right now, and it was presumably the reason why he couldn’t hear Jackson talking anymore. All he could do was stare as the two stood by the bar, talking, the guy putting a hand on Jinyoung’s waist and Jaebum was _infuriated_. He had to clench a fist under the table, and that didn’t really do much. Jinyoung removed the hand, but still continued talking to him.

   Jaebum couldn’t quite handle everything right now. The anxiety, the sadness, the anger, the confusion. His own mind. He might just be making things up. Seeing things or creating problems out of nothing. Jinyoung didn’t exactly seem like the cheating type.

   Then again, he did lie once. And perhaps that was the issue.

   If that wasn’t enough, he saw clearly that the guy handed Jinyoung a note. Presumably his phone number. Jinyoung put it in his pocket.

   “Jaebum, calm down,” Mark said. Jaebum’s only response was to clench his jaw.

   Jinyoung got back, handed them the beer and sat down. “So what did I miss?”

   “Well,” Jackson said, suddenly sounding uncertain, “I was suggesting billiards next weekend.”

   “Oh, that sounds like fun,” Jinyoung said with a smile. “You’re good at billiards,” he added, facing Jaebum now.

   Jaebum didn’t want to be meek, but firstly this was not the place for arguing, and secondly, Jinyoung’s gaze made him weak. It only infuriated him further right now.

   “I try,” Jaebum replied flatly. Jinyoung looked at him in confusion, but decided not to say anything.

   Mark cleared his throat to shift the attention. “Jaebum, let’s do this.”

   Jaebum was far from in the mood for competing right now, but he still won. Easily, this time. Mark was only halfway, because Jaebum chugged the beer so angrily that he almost choked. But whatever. Hopefully it would kick in faster.

   “Are you okay?” Jinyoung asked him confusedly.

   After putting down the glass a bit too harshly on the table, he looked at Jinyoung calmly. “I’ve never felt better.”

   “Am I supposed to believe that?”

   Jaebum shrugged. “Believe what you want. That’s what I’m doing,” he snapped.

   Jinyoung looked at Jackson and Mark for assistance. “And what is _that_ supposed to mean?”

   When neither of them answered, Jinyoung turned on his chair to face Jaebum again. “Did you drink too much or what?”

   “This has nothing to do with me drinking,” Jaebum retorted.

   Jinyoung sighed heavily. “If you want to do this, fine,” he said quietly, but sternly. “A lot has to do with you drinking, in case you weren’t aware.”

   “Oh yeah?” Jaebum said. He took the note out of Jinyoung’s pocket and showed it to him. “This too?”

   “I was going to throw that away,” Jinyoung snarled.

   “Let me help you with that,” Jaebum replied, then threw it away in some direction.

   Jinyoung closed his eyes and sighed heavily, then looked at Mark and Jackson who were sitting there awkwardly. “Sorry for this. We’ll be in touch,” he said, rising from his seat and dragging Jaebum with him.

   “It’s okay,” Jackson replied. Mark only sighed.

   Jaebum tried to protest when Jinyoung grabbed his arm and pretty much dragged him out of there, but he knew he had already caused a big enough scene and therefore stayed mostly quiet. It was still pouring down inside, much against their favor. Jaebum wasn’t very keen on sharing an umbrella, but there they were, walking close together even though all they wanted right now was distance.

   Since Jinyoung didn’t say anything, Jaebum didn’t either. Luckily his apartment was close, and to his surprise Jinyoung seemed to be following him there. He had at least expected Jinyoung to sourly leave him without a word and go to the flat he shared with Youngjae.

   They reached his apartment shortly after. Jaebum tiredly dropped the umbrella to the floor, took off his shoes and jacket and began walking towards the bedroom, letting Jinyoung lock the door.

   “Where are you going?” Jinyoung asked, and he sounded just as tired as Jaebum felt.

   “To bed,” Jaebum replied shortly. “I’m tired.”

   “Oh, because of the alcohol perhaps?” Jaebum hated how bitchy he sounded.

   He stopped in his motions and sighed. “Why do you suddenly care about me drinking?”

   “I’ve always cared.”

   “Well, you haven’t mentioned it,” Jaebum said, walking closer. “In fact, why do you suggest a bar if you care so much about my alcohol issues?”

   “Because I thought it would make you feel at ease. But hey, it clearly didn’t!”

   “It did until you got all flirty with that guy.”

   “Are you blind? I turned him down!” Jinyoung exclaimed.

   “That’s not how I saw it.”

   Jinyoung chuckled, as if this was somehow funny to him. “Really?” he asked bitterly, looking at Jaebum intently. “Are you sure you’re not just seeing things?”

   “Fuck off,” Jaebum muttered. “If arguing about my issues is all you were planning on doing, why didn’t you just go to Youngjae?”

   “Oh, you want me to leave you?” Jinyoung said cockily, because he knew what the answer was. “If I left you now, what would you do?”

   Jaebum didn’t answer.

   “I’m trying to help you, for God’s sake. I know I’m the first one in your life to do that.”

   “You’re not off on a great start, let me tell you,” Jaebum snarled. “And why don’t we go back to tonight’s original problem? You and that guy.”

   Jinyoung sighed and walked to the kitchen, so Jaebum followed. “Now you’re not saying anything.”

   After pouring himself a glass of water, Jinyoung turned to look at him. “What about me and him? Shoot. I’m all ears.”

   The cocky tone was really provoking him, but Jaebum did his best to stay at least reasonably calm. He took a deep breath and looked Jinyoung deep in the eyes. “I don’t trust that you would’ve thrown the note away.”

   “Why not?” Jinyoung said nonchalantly.

   “If you want me to talk, I’ll do it, but I swear if you don’t drop that tone…”

   “What?”

   Jaebum sighed heavily. “As you said yourself, you’re the first one who wants to help me. So _listen to me_. I’m serious about this and you know it!”

   “Okay,” Jinyoung said seriously after taking a sip of the water and putting the glass down. “You think I’d cheat on you.”

   “I don’t know,” Jaebum said, shrugging. “All I know is that you lied once. That means you might as well lie again,” he muttered.

   “I understand your reasoning,” Jinyoung admitted. “But you were jealous. You didn’t need to be, but you were. So now you’re taking it out on me, because you’re panicking.”

   “Am I not allowed to?”

   “I never said that.”

   This conversation was just making him impatient and honestly, angrier. However that ws possible. “You could’ve just told him you already had a boyfriend and that would be that. You could’ve even introduced me, but instead you let him keep his hopes up and you even went to the bar, talked to him and I don’t even know what you said, but hey, perhaps that’s a good thing.”

   Jinyoung studied him for a while. “Let me say it like this: You won’t believe me because you can’t get past your barrier of self-doubt, hatred and general worry that you’ll be abandoned again, just like when your parents decided not to care about you. _That_ is the same barrier you keep feeding with your alcoholism.”

   Jaebum looked back at him and crossed his arms. He wasn’t quite sure what to say about that. He knew he was an alcoholic, knew he had his issues, but for some reason he never thought of it like that.

   “You don’t think I understand?” Jinyoung continued, much calmer now. “Of course I understand. I know you’re fucked up because so am I. Only fucked up people become robbers,” he muttered. “And if you need to know,” he added, looking at Jaebum again, “that guy was just boring, ugly and annoying. You’re all I care about.”

   Not sure of what to do with himself, Jaebum decided to simply look at the floor in shame. “I still think I have some right to be mad,” he mumbled.

   “I know it’s hard to trust me. But cheating on you? After revealing so much and supporting you constantly? That would be the epiphany of stupid.”

   Jaebum sighed impatiently. “I try, okay?”

   “Right,” Jinyoung said, nodding. “I’m sorry. I didn’t handle the situation as well as I should have.”

   “Me neither,” Jaebum sighed. “There’s a lot of things I don’t handle well.”

   “Look, about the alcohol…”

   “Don’t,” Jaebum interrupted him.

   “I just want you to have some kind of control.”

   “I know, I do too, but I just… I can’t deal with that now. After September 14th, okay?”

   Jinyoung nodded again. “Promise?”

   “Yeah. Promise.”


	18. March 7th, 2016

“Do you still drink?”

   They were sitting on Jaebum’s bed together, in a small room he shared with Yugyeom and Youngjae. The only light in the room came from an oil lamp placed on Jaebum’s nightstand. The lightbulb of the ceiling lamp had exploded when Yugyeom tried to turn the light on, and they had no spares left.

   The others had been prohibited by Jinyoung to enter the room; he said he wanted to be alone with Jaebum for a while. They had spent a few moments alone together, since it was simply necessary, but this time it felt different. There was a slight tension in the air and way too silent, because neither of them had said anything for the past five minutes. They just sat there holding hands, until Jinyoung suddenly asked him if he still drank.

   “Yes,” Jaebum admitted, though Jinyoung probably expected it.

   He felt his hand being squeezed slightly. “I can’t really blame you,” Jinyoung said quietly. The sadness in his voice worried Jaebum.

   “It’s almost been a year since we met,” Jinyoung continued absentmindedly, but he sounded happy for a second. Or perhaps bittersweet. “How do you feel?”

   Jaebum didn’t know what else to do but chuckle, now that he thought of it. Now that they were sitting here together. “It’s been a wild ride, honestly.”

   “Yeah, things definitely didn’t turn out as expected.”

   “That never happens anyway.”

   Jinyoung smiled slightly when Jaebum looked at him. “You know what would be great right now?”

   “What?”

   “That wine you recommended me.”

   “You liked it that much, huh?”

   “I don’t know,” Jinyoung replied as he cozied up against Jaebum. “I think I’m more interested in the memories the taste of it would bring.”

   “What memories would that be?”

   “Probably, like… When I first noticed your gaze. The way you looked at me. You were quite obvious, you know.”

   Jaebum snorted. “I wasn’t.”

   “You _were_ ,” Jinyoung teased. “And when we went to the park, you were pretty much glowing when you smiled. And you blushed so hard it was insane.”

   Sadly, that was true.

   “And your stupid leather jacket,” he grinned at Jaebum.

   “You seem to remember a lot of things. All I remember is your ass,” Jaebum retorted.

   “Yes, I did notice you staring once.”

   “What?” Jaebum asked, suddenly embarrassed as if that mattered at this point.

   “When we exited the liquor store and I got on my bike. As I said, you were obvious.”

   “In my defense, it was difficult to ignore.”

   Jinyoung chuckled, but then it was quiet again and the tension was back. The worst part was that Jaebum knew what to expect. He had expected this moment since Jinyoung told them his story two weeks ago. Honestly, he was surprised two weeks had successfully passed. Perhaps he ought to be happy, but the past days had been more depressing than usual and if his assumptions were correct, there wasn’t much to be happy about.

   “This relationship hasn’t always been on top, I think we can both agree on that,” Jaebum said. He wanted to share his side of the coin before Jinyoung said whatever he wanted to say.

   After taking a big breath, Jinyoung simply nodded.

   “We haven’t always been fair to each other,” Jaebum continued quietly. “But we’ve loved each other, and with that we’ve always overcome the difficulties.”

   “It was never easy, but we made it work,” Jinyoung agreed. “I wanted to help you but I pulled you even deeper into the gutter. For that, I’m sorry.”

   “You keep apologizing about it.”

   “Because you deserve an apology.”

   Jaebum had been thinking about this one thing a lot. He had worded it several times, specifically to Jinyoung, but he hadn’t quite realized the extent of the problem until now. Since he had his assumptions about what Jinyoung was about to say, he felt a need to confess it right now. Just so that Jinyoung knew. Just so it was out there.

   “I think it has more to do with me than you, but I…,” Jaebum began, sighing deeply. “I feel like I’ve always been your… _bitch_.”

   Jinyoung pulled away slightly, but not of coldness. Just interest. He looked deeply into Jaebum’s eyes, searching. Jaebum did the same to him.

   “Remember that time in the park? We looked at each other for so long before you gave me your phone number on a little note.”

   He received a nod.

   “Even then, at that moment when we barely knew each other, I felt that I could follow you anywhere. And I said it to you when you told me you were a criminal. I’ve always felt that way.”

   Jinyoung continued looking at him, waiting for him to go on.

   This was what was so hard for Jaebum to say, to even realize himself. But this felt like his only chance, and he could finally be straight with not just himself, but also his boyfriend. “Jinyoung,” he said, searching for the right words. “I’m _addicted_ to you,” he said quietly, almost in disbelief even though he knew it was true. “More than I am to alcohol or anything else in the world. I love you, but I don’t love you in a healthy way. What I need… and what I think you need, is a better way to deal with the past. A functional way that doesn’t involve co-depending on each other’s fucked up parts. It’s taken me a while to realize that,” he said quietly, looking at their hands that were still intertwined. “The weirdest thing is that… even now, I’d do whatever you wanted. I’d still follow you anywhere.”

   He received a bitter smile, almost as if Jinyoung felt sorry for him. “You know what I want to say, don’t you?”

   Jaebum closed his eyes for a moment. Saying it out loud meant it was true, and he didn’t want it to be true. But still, he understood. “You’re going to turn yourself in.”

   Jinyoung let go of his hand and stroked his cheek. “Yeah,” he whispered sadly. “I am.”

   “And… how many years do you think?”

   “I don’t know,” Jinyoung sighed. “As many as I deserve. These past few months I really reflected on myself. On all the things I’ve done. And the list is long,” he said. “You understand what I’m trying to say.”

   Jaebum leaned his head against the wall and tried his best not to cry.

   “Hyung, I came to depend on you too. You’re exactly the person I’ve always needed in my life. Whenever I needed support, you were there. And you taught me a lot,” he mumbled, looking at Jaebum. “Will you still be there when I get out?” he asked.

   “Of course,” Jaebum mumbled, pulling Jinyoung close again. “I’ll wait for you.”

   “When I get out, I want us to start over. I want this to work. Just a normal life together.”

   Jaebum couldn’t help but smile at the thought of them as a typical family with a beautiful house, stability in their lives and cats running around. “Me too,” he agreed, “but what about the rest of the group?”

   “I won’t mention any names. The rest of the job is up to them,” Jinyoung replied. “Either way, I think this is the end of… all of this.”

   For some reason, Jaebum had calmed down now. He felt good about this, because it indicated a better future. Jinyoung could stay hopeful, and so could he. Something good would, in the end, come out of this. He knew that for sure.

   “When will you leave?” Jaebum asked.

   “Soon,” Jinyoung said. “Within the week, I think. I just need to prepare myself some. Mentally.”

   It was silent for another moment before Jinyoung turned to face him fully. “Hyung,” he said determinedly as he cupped Jaebum’s cheek. “Be strong, okay? You’ve got it in you, even if I’m not there. You survived for 22 years after all.”

   “Yeah,” Jaebum said, taking Jinyoung’s hand in his and squeezing it. “You too, okay?”

   Jinyoung nodded. “And what will you do?”

   “We’ll see, Jinyoungie. We’ll see.”

   They shared a short but passionate kiss before Jinyoung decided it was time for coffee.

   Jaebum examined his figure as he left the room. Thought about the past year for a moment. It had been the most fulfilling, most confusing and most adventurous year of his life so far. And he was glad to finally understand what was ahead of him. Bad things, for sure, but bad things would lead to good things. He was ready to finally, fully try.

   But before that, he needed to spend his last days with Jinyoung to the fullest.


	19. September 13th, 2015

Tomorrow was the day. It was almost impossible to believe it. The past months had passed by so quickly that Jaebum almost hadn’t noticed them. And so many things had happened. Well, he still had his standard nine-to-five job at the supermarket, still did nothing too out of the ordinary and still drank way too much alcohol. But Jinyoung was in the picture too now, and that had definitely led to a strange (but also good) series of events. Not just generally typical relationship things that were actually far from typical in Jaebum’s case, but also this whole thing about the robbery tomorrow. That was definitely one of the major factors.

   And so many things had changed. Generally, he tried to not think about that, but tomorrow being the day of the robbery, he couldn’t help but be sentimental. He tried his best not to show it since he didn’t want Jinyoung to think he was having second thoughts, but the sentimentality was there. It was definitely there. But either way, this was the life he had chosen, and the life he preferred. And even if he wanted to go back, it was way too late at this point.

   Jinyoung was in the shower, so Jaebum lazily got out of bed to go and make coffee. It was a sunny day outside, way too bright for him to handle as it shone through the kitchen window. Jinyoung always pulled up the blinds in the morning to “welcome the day.” Another change in his life, Jaebum noted.

   After brewing coffee, he stood by the counter and looked outside the window while taking small sips from his mug. The sunlight hit his face and he appreciated that it made him feel calm. As if there were no worries about tomorrow. At that moment it felt like everything would be completely fine. Forever. Those spare moments were something Jaebum had learned to appreciate a long time ago.

   At the same time, something was bothering him and he knew what it was. For once it didn’t have anything to do with Jinyoung, but rather to do with himself. He hadn’t even shared a conscious thought on these things, and he _really_ didn’t want to, but this day brought out all the hidden memories he normally worked hard to keep hidden.

   The sunlight eventually left his face as he stood there, emptying his cup while staring at a fixated spot in front of him. In slight, sudden annoyance he put the cup in the sink and sighed heavily. Appreciating those moments of tranquility was definitely necessary, because they were over in an instant.

   Even though he didn’t really want to, he found himself walking to the closet in the bedroom. Jinyoung was still in the shower, he heard, which was a good thing. He didn’t want Jinyoung to find him staring into the closet as if he had finally completely lost it.

   It still stood there, furthest inside and slightly hidden behind a pile of shirts. His guitar, and a pile of music notes next to it on the floor. It was utterly depressing to look at. It was like looking at the physical remains of a part of himself that he had just completely thrown away forever. Still, he picked up the guitar, examined it, tried a few strings. It sounded alright, even though it had been a while. And as he read the music notes, it all came back instantly. As if he had written the song just yesterday.

   As Jaebum looked at the pile, he noticed something at the bottom. It was a diploma from school, which he had completely forgotten about. It had faded a bit – after all it was many years ago – but it was still readable.

   _“To Im Jaebum, for your passion in music as well as your beautiful talent.”_

He had received it when he was ten years old. Twelve years later and it was still his biggest achievement in life.

   Jaebum put it down and left the closet. He looked at the book on his nightstand, which he hadn’t read from in the past five months. But when looking at it, he realized something else. Inside the nightstand was a box, and inside that box he kept – amongst other things – a photo. He took it out and looked at it for a long moment. It was from when he and Youngjae were fifteen years old and had just finished school for the year. They looked happy. Jaebum looked happy.

   He sighed heavily. It felt like a lifetime ago, and he still felt guilty about treating Youngjae the way he did. Their friendship had lasted since they were young, and Jaebum had completely ignored that when he ditched Youngjae like it was nothing. And by looking at the photo, he was also reminded of who he was back then. Damaged, but at least innocent. Not completely happy, but happy to be with Youngjae. They had fun. Enjoyed each other’s company. No tangles and no drama.

   But tomorrow they would be entering a bank, armed and masked while pointing guns in people’s faces, screaming at them. Then they would leave with a bunch of money that did not belong to them, and they would – hopefully – get away with it.

   Jaebum needed a moment to assess that fact, because he hadn’t really done it until now. It was real. It was happening. Together with his boyfriend and five other people, he would rob a bank tomorrow.

   There was definitely a major difference between him and the fifteen-year-old Im Jaebum on the photo in his hand.

   “What are you doing?” he heard Jinyoung ask behind him.

   It was hard to explain exactly what he was doing, because he barely knew the answer to that himself. But now that Jinyoung was here, he felt compelled to discuss something that was gnawing at him. “What we’re doing, or what we’re about to do… You’ll agree that it’s morally wrong, right?”

   “Well, yeah,” Jinyoung said, sitting down on the bedside next to Jaebum. “I guess it is. It’s not really right.”

   “Then why?” Jaebum prodded.

   “I...,” Jinyoung hesitated, shrugging slightly. “I like to look at it as… taking back what was wrongfully taken from us,” he said, slightly too nonchalantly for Jaebum’s taste.

   “Money?”

   “No. Just _something_ from society. Both of us lost something big. I’m sure you feel the same.”

   “Do all members in our group have a tragic past then?”

   “No, some of them are just doing it for the hell of it. But that’s their story, not mine. Or yours.”

   “But you realize that it’s morally wrong,” Jaebum repeated.

   “Yes,” Jinyoung replied. “I realize it. I just don’t care.”

   Jaebum looked at the photo he was still holding in his hand. Life wasn’t all better back then. It was bad too. And he would trade anything to have Jinyoung by his side right now. This – right now – and every other experience and change since March 16th was worth it in the end. Screw the morals, because Jinyoung was right.

   “You’re not having second thoughts, are you?” Jinyoung asked worriedly after Jaebum had been quiet for a while.

   “No, no,” Jaebum insisted. “I’m not,” he added, looking at Jinyoung with a smile. “I was just thinking about it for a moment.”

   He put the photo back down in the box, and hid the box inside the nightstand. Then, he once again forgot all about it.


	20. March 16th, 2016

He gasped for breath as he shot up from his bed. Looking around him, he realized he was still in the bedroom he shared with Yugyeom and Youngjae. Both of them were in their respective beds, snoring loudly.

   Jaebum dried away the sweat on his forehead with his arm as he regained his breath. The bed was soaked, he noticed, and he felt warm but at the same time cold. When he looked at the clock on his phone, it showed 6.35 A.M. He sighed deeply in frustration.

   In his dream, he was sent back to the moment where he met Jinyoung. It was nice at first; reliving all the beautiful moments not through conversation, but through feelings as if he was actually there. Everything seemed ridiculously real; every detail Jaebum could remember and even things he thought he had forgotten. But before the scene could finish, he was sent to the next one, and the next one, and the next one. It kept going on until finally, Jinyoung and the policeman were in front of him. Jinyoung was shot, and right after that, Jaebum was sent to the next scene. It was the second robbery, only this time he shot the civilian instead of Bambam. When he realized Jinyoung was there, all he received was a horrified look. No weird spacing out, no “it’s me, Jinyoung.” Just a look that said _Jaebum_ was the enemy.

   Jaebum tried to reach out, tried to do something, but it was pointless. Everything became distorted and suddenly, he was standing in front of his mother.

   _“It’s no wonder your father left.”_

_“I think he left because you won’t stop drinking,” Jaebum muttered in response._

_She sat up from the sofa and looked at him intently. It was obvious she didn’t really want him to be there. “You’re a waste of time and space, Im Jaebum,” she hissed. “You’ll never amount to anything. Anything. And even when I’m dead, I’ll haunt your dreams, and you’ll end up just like me. Then we’ll see who’s laughing.”_

Without any other response, as if on cue, he shot her right in the head with the gun he had in his hand. Not moving a muscle in his face. That’s when he woke up.

   This was the first time he had even had a bad dream since Jinyoung’s return. Either he was still shaken from the nightmare, or something was off and he could once again sense it. No matter what, it wasn’t good.

   The other two were still sleeping, so he carefully sneaked over to the bathroom adjacent to their room. He used the sink to wash off most of the sweat, changed into clean clothes and put on some deodorant, all in a bit of a haste. In realization that his heart was beating hard in his chest again, that he was back to sweating slightly and that he was acting stressed, Jaebum stopped in his motions and thought about it for a moment.

   It was March 16th today.

   Jaebum leaned against the sink and looked at himself in the mirror. He knew himself, at least somewhat, and he knew what he would’ve done if he was Jinyoung. And Jinyoung would’ve done the same thing as him.

   There was probably no point in stressing. In fact, it would be better to stay locked up in the bathroom, refusing to come out and face reality. He knew what the reality outside of this room would be, and it would be like a big slap to the face. Even though he had tried to mentally prepare himself for it. He even said he understood completely. It was true, of course, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t tough.

   The point was, Jaebum was tired. Jinyoung was back, but that didn’t mean they could be happy again. And there were some things he would regret forever, some things he would never be able to re-do, and some wounds that would never heal. It had been six months since September, and the same questions still flowed through his mind.

   Whether or not he should have run to Jinyoung.

   Whether or not he should have tried to convince them not to go through with it.

   Whether or not he should have ever given Jinyoung his attention.

   Jinyoung had chosen his path. He might’ve already set it in motion, there was no way of knowing other than stepping out of the bathroom to check. Jaebum said he understood, and it was true. So why didn’t he do that same thing himself?

   He splashed some water in his face and took a deep breath. After looking at himself one long, last time, then stepped outside of the bathroom.

   He spotted Jackson sitting in the living room by himself, looking even worse than Jaebum felt. It was to be expected; Jackson hadn’t really been his usual, talkative self lately and well, being in his position, that was definitely fair. He was, after all, the only one in the group who could be branded as a murderer.

   “He’s gone, isn’t he?” Jaebum said quietly, mostly to himself as he stared at the sofa where Jinyoung usually slept. Even his linens were gone. Not knowing how to react, all Jaebum could do was stand there apathetically, eyes fixated on the empty spot before him.

   They both knew the answer was obvious, so Jackson didn’t answer. He just sniffled slightly. Jaebum sat down on said sofa and put a hand on the empty spot next to him. He wanted to tell Jackson to come sit next to him, but somehow the words were stuck in his throat.

   “I think he left last night,” Jackson explained suddenly, looking at some spot in front of him. “Guess he didn’t want to cause a scene.”

   “I had a feeling.”

   “Of course you did,” Jackson replied with a small smile. It looked more sad than anything else. “You two seemed almost telepathic at times.”

   Even if they did, Jaebum wasn’t sure it felt like a good thing at this point. “What will you do now?” he asked Jackson instead.

   “I don’t know. This group will dissipate. It already has. And a guy like me shouldn’t be on the loose.”

   There was no point in trying to comfort him, Jaebum knew. It was true, after all. It was true for all seven of them.

   “What about you?” Jackson asked, looking at him for the first time since Jaebum had entered the room.

   He thought for a moment, even though he didn’t really need to. “I think I decided the moment Jinyoung told me about his plans.”

   Jackson nodded slowly. “I think you’re making the right decision,” he mumbled.

   “In one way I am, in one way I’m not. It’s driving me crazy. I have finally realized that I should learn to go my own way, yet here I am. Following Jinyoung blindly once more.”

   “At least you’re doing it for a good reason this time.”

   “It’s like I can never win.”

   Jackson smiled again, bigger than before. “I think you win once you go through with this.”

   Sighing, Jaebum stood up. Jackson followed. “Today is our anniversary. We met exactly a year ago,” Jaebum muttered. “That’s why he chose today.”

   “He always knew how to be sentimental.”

   Jaebum couldn’t help but chuckle, because it was true. Sad, but true. “Right,” he said, then walked to the hallway. Jackson went after him and watched him put his shoes and jacket on. It was quiet for a moment as they looked at each other. There were a million of things Jaebum wanted to say, but he couldn’t word any of it. The words were stuck in his throat again. He was just never really good at discussing feelings.

   “I have something for you,” Jackson said, pulling up a letter from his jeans pocket and giving it to Jaebum. “It’s addressed to you, so I didn’t read it.”

   Jaebum opened the letter, which he expected to be long. There were only two sentences scribbled down.

   _“Happy 1 st anniversary. I’m sorry it had to come to this.”_

“He knew how to sentimental, you’re right about that,” Jaebum said. “Take it. I won’t exactly be able to keep it.”

   “Me neither,” Jackson replied.

   “What do you mean?”

   Jackson looked at the floor, arms crossed. “Look,” he began, “I’ll be out later than the two of you, but once I’m out… I hope we can still keep in contact.” He looked up at Jaebum again. “You’ve been a good friend.”

   “Jackson…”

   “Look, man, I don’t want to cry so can we just get this over with?” Jackson replied hurriedly.

   Jaebum gave him a tight hug in response. He realized it must’ve been the first time he initiated it, and Jackson seemed happy about that since he didn’t want to let go. A part of Jaebum didn’t want that, either. Jackson had been one of his greatest friends in life, sometimes understanding him better than Youngjae ever did. A guy like Jackson was hard not to like. Jaebum would always be grateful they had met. Grateful for all of them.

   They eventually let go and looked at each other for a moment, smiling. “I’ll miss you,” Jaebum said affectionately.

   “What about the others?” Jackson asked.

   “Take care of them after I leave. Until you decide to leave too. Especially Youngjae; he will be heartbroken and I want him to understand.”

   Jackson nodded. “I’ll do that.”

   Jaebum smiled again as to say thanks. “See you in a few years.”

   “Yeah,” Jackson sighed. “See you.”

   The warmth from the sun outside hit his face like a brick wall. Breathing fresh air was almost too good to be true, and he had to take a moment to appreciate it before moving on. There were no visible clouds in the sky and some trees had already bloomed fully.

   It was weird, Jaebum realized. He had spent so much time inside it felt like jail. Now that he was finally outside, it was only for the unavoidable fact that he was going to jail. Actual jail. But that was okay in the end, because for this small moment he allowed himself to truly feel free. Free to breathe, free to live and free from all of his addictions.


	21. Epilogue

“Do you regret it?”

   Jinyoung looked at the interrogator in front of him and sighed heavily, possibly for the third time. He knew he had brought this upon himself, but the questions were tedious and the answers were obvious, to him at least. Still, these interviews would come to be the least of his problems, so he decided to play nice and willing.

   “Yes.”

   “Why?”

   “Because it brought harm to people around me. My friends, that policeman- “

   “And Im Jaebum?”

   Jinyoung tiredly looked the interrogator in the eyes. “We’re going there already?”

   The interrogator shrugged. “Seems to be a pretty vital point in this whole…,” he shrugged slightly, “scheme.”

   Jinyoung shifted position in his chair, growing increasingly more and more impatient. “What about him?”

   “Well,” the interrogator started, “you loved him, I assume.” It was a statement rather than a question.

   “Yes.”

   “You never thought about using him, so to speak, for your personal gain?”

   “What personal gain would that be?”

   “For the team. Royalties. A better life for yourself.”

   Jinyoung looked away. “I never used him.”

   “Not even in the beginning?” the interrogator prodded.

   “I said no.”

   The interrogator sighed in frustration (Jinyoung couldn’t really figure out why, since he told the truth) and stood there for a moment, probably thinking about how to go about this. Jinyoung acted patient, even though he was far from it. His wrists hurt; they were marked red from the handcuffs, and most of all he already regretted doing this. All he wanted right now was to be with Jaebum, but that was the only thing he wouldn’t be able to have for God knows how many years.

   “So why did you do it?” the interrogator asked.

   Jinyoung sighed once more. “You know, you should try it yourself,” he sniggered. “It’s pretty fun. Until everything goes to hell, that is,” he said, then stopped to think for a moment. “I guess that’s why. It was fun. Got a kick out of it.”

   “I think you’re lying.”

   After looking at the man in front of him, Jinyoung looked down at the table separating them. “Well,” he began, shrugging his shoulders, “I think I deserved to take back. Have a little fun while doing it.”

   “And then Im Jaebum came along, but that didn’t stop you from living a criminal life.”

   “Guess not.”

   “But you didn’t use him?”

   “How many times do I have to repeat myself?” Jinyoung seethed. “Are you stupid or what is the deal here?”

   The interrogator only sighed. “Now let’s just calm down a little-.”

   “You really suck at your job,” Jinyoung muttered as he stood up. “You keep asking the same fucking question as if you expect to understand who I am, how I feel, what happened, what was between me and Jaebum. Stop asking me stupid questions and just say whatever you want to say!”

   “Guards.”

   “Jesus Christ,” Jinyoung sighed as the guards grabbed him and put the handcuffs back on. He struggled and writhed to get out of their grasp, mostly because he wasn’t done here, but they were already dragging him out of there.

   “I know what you’re doing,” Jinyoung said to the interrogator, trying his best to keep eye contact. “You’re trying to tear us apart, you asshole! Good luck with that, just know that it won’t work.”

   The interrogator looked him dead in the eyes. “You brought that upon yourself. Welcome to jail, Park Jinyoung.”

   Jinyoung wanted to reply, tell him he was wrong, hit him, run out of there and find Jaebum. But before he could even say anything, he was dragged out of there and thrown back into his lonely, rotten cell. He crept up to a dark corner, sat there with his arms around his knees and looked at the bars, then the toilet, then his bed. Sighed. The only good thing he had was a small, barred window. When he looked out, he could see a small cloud and a clear blue sky. Could even feel the faint smell of grass.

   However long this would take, Jinyoung thought, there was an end to it. To the bad things. However long this would take, he would get out and he would be happy, with Jaebum by his side again. Although small, there was still light at the end of the tunnel. And when Jinyoung closed his eyes, he could see Jaebum standing there, waiting for him, smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To everyone who read this fanfic and appreciated it, leaving comments and kudos and whatnot - THANK YOU! I'm happy with how it turned out and happy I could share it and feel your appreciation. It's been a wild ride (especially for Jaebum, the poor dude) but I hope you're all satisfied with the outcome! I'll probably return at some point with something new. The only thing that remains to be seen is when ;) 


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